Doubts

Krystal

I couldn’t escape

Running around in circles

I could hear them

Everything they were saying to me

Mocking, laughing, taunting

“You’re not good enough”

“Look at you compared to everyone else”

“Why do you bother?”

The brick wall before me crumbling slowly

Stray tears falling from my eyes

I couldn’t show it the pain I was feeling

The disgust, the hatred

I had hidden it for so long

I can’t give up now

I am strong right?

“Please. You? Strong? Don’t make me laugh your weak”

My head hangs in Disgust

They are right

They are all right

Why bother?

Why try?

It’s useless

I’m useless

How can I live with this?

Well you can’t run from your own thoughts

Your own head

They follow you and haunt you

Filling your mind with fake hatred

And you believe it

Because you can’t find an argument against it

It’s not like you can get rid of your mind

But how do you rid of the thoughts?

Take them away and pretend they aren’t there?

So you can laugh like you mean it

Have a real smile spread across your face

Have real contentment

But they’ll come back

And they’ll rip away your happiness

Dangle it front of you

Make you beg for it back before they throw it away

Make you search for hours to find it

“Give up; you’re never going to find it.”

You nod knowing there right

Again

The things you wanted to be

Your dreams

“Please. As if”

“You’ll never make it. Look at you!”

You can’t hid the fact that maybe it’s right

Your reflection in the mirror

Mocking you

The people that surround you

Back stabbing and laughing at you

But what can you do?

Put on a mask every day?

It gets tiring

The fake smiles whither

The fake laughs fall

And there are times when your disguise crumbles

Or it slips off without you noticing

And you’re trapped in a maze of anxiety

Then what?

You’re left with the sadness

The…dare I say it…doubts

Even when you’re alone

It’s there

“You think just because you’re alone, I’m going to go away?”

Put in headphones

Turn up the music

“Nope still here”

Even as the bass rings in your ears

“Still here”

Try and block it out

“I am not everything you say I am”

“You sure?”

And that’s when you give up

There’s no need for an argument

It’ll win

It always does

The mind is a horrible place to be

Especially if that person is me.