Wish

jerry harrenstein

I have spent most of my 
life wishing,
wishing for this
and wishing for that.
Wishing for someone
and wishing for no one.
Wishing the loneliness 
of being alone would end.
What I wish for the most
though, 
is the love of a 
good-hearted woman,
just a good-hearted woman.

I have been with a few women,
but in the end they ran
because they did not want
to carry the burden that
is my name.

When I was child,
I wished I had been born
into a family of wealth 
and fame,
but no such luck for me came,
only this horrible,
horrible name.

I tried to build a legacy
around my name,
but all I got was grief
and pain,
wherever,
whenever
I spoke my name.

Being shunned by everyone 
was certainly no fun,
but I had nowhere to run,
nowhere could I hide
with a name like mine.

Lately,
the years seem to pass by
faster than the days 
and nights combined.
With that in mind,
I find myself sitting alone 
in the afternoon's Sun, 
wishing that someone would
come along.
That's when I made the decision 
to buy a gun 
and call it a day,
but Jane came my way
to take the pain of another
lonely day away.

Whether Jane's appearance 
before me was an intervention 
from The Divine,
or a wish of mine 
come true, 
I simply do not know.
All I know,
is that she came in the 
nick of time
to be mine.

Frankly,
I do not remember wishing
for a spiritual combination
of Jerry 
and Jane,
even though our initials JJ 
spell out Jerry
and Jane.

Regrettably,
Jane is no longer with me
because someone
told her my name
and though our time together
was built on wishes,
even dreams,
she seemed happy not
knowing my name.
I just wish she would have
given me a chance to explain
my lie.
The lie that is my name.

What I wish for today
and what I wish for tonight
is for Jane to be here telling 
me that everything will be alright.
That she did not mean to run 
away with another man
the other night.

Unfortunately,
she is not here
and I sit alone now
waiting for the Grey.

My nights are like my days now,
one spilling over into the next.
I still say wish I might
wish I may
wish she was here with me
on this night.

I think about the day
we first met,
I asked Jane for a moment
and she gave me two.
That's when I recalled 
wishing God would send me
a woman to love
and he sent me Jane,
an Angel from above.

My first move with Jane
was to drop a tear in the Ocean
and wish that the day I found it
would be the day I stopped loving her.

My wishes were many while with Jane
and they were never one in the same.
Like the time I wished I was a tear
born in her eye,
lived down her cheek, 
then died on her lips.

Forgive me while I wipe the tears
from my eyes.
Oh why do I lie?
Why, why, why, 
I so wanted to be the Apple
of her eye.
Oh God,
do not let me out cry the tears
that my heart cries.
I never thought
we would ever part, 
knowing the love we
had for one another
in our hearts.

Yes,
many a wish did I make,
like the time I wished
I was the treasure at the 
end of the rainbow Jane went
to seek,
for there she would find my
heart to keep.
Also,
I wished I could see through 
Jane's eyes,
so I could see 
what she sees.
Then, 
I wished I knew what 
her wishes were,
so I could make them
come true for her.
I wished I was permanently 
cast in her heart
and that would be just the start.
I wished I had the same dreams
she dreamt
and together we would
make them come true.
I wished I was a cell 
in her blood,
so I would be sure to
be near her heart.

Most of all,
I wished to know what
made Jane happy,
so I could make her 
the happiest
woman
in
the
world.

I remember wishing
that when Jane felt lonely,
all she had to do was
look at the spaces between
her fingers 
and know that my fingers 
fit them perfectly.
 

Some of the wishes I made
came from heartache
and many due to my
love for Jane.
Jane left me with an emptiness
deep within me.
I ache for the love
she gave me,
the taste of her lips
whenever she blew me a kiss,
the words from her mind
that put a spark in mine,
and the depth of her heart
as it consumed mine.

All of this is gone,
gone because of a name,
my name.
My cursed,
cursed name.
My life will never again
be the same.
All that remains now
are the memories of the
wishes I made 
while loving Jane.

I wish that the time she 
spent with me would have
made her believe in me,
find credibility in me,
at least long enough for
her to decide if she wanted
to spend the rest of her 
life with me.
I should have wished 
that she marry me,
but I knew that could
never be.
Well, 
that wish never came from me
as you can plainly see. 

We did have a talk, 
not a wish, 
but a talk.
A talk about the love 
we had for each other.
I wish she would have 
remembered it.
It was never the embrace,
or the kisses deep,
nor the laughter,
or the tears of joy
that brought out
the love we had 
for each other.
They were only a reminder
of the wishes
and dreams we had for
one another
and they were a testament 
of the love we had for
each other.

Knowing this does not
ease my pain.
Reminiscing does not rid 
me of the loneliness I
carry in my heart.
I can only wish,
even hope,
that my life
does not end,
or depend on
a wish.

The night is with me
again as I sit here
waiting for the Grey.
Some nights,
I match the stars 
with our names,
or the many reasons 
I love Jane, 
but on this night
I ran out of stars,
so I turned to my tears,
for they would never run out.

Another day is tomorrow.
A tomorrow filled with my sorrow,
yet I will wait once again
for the Grey to come.
When the Grey does come,
the rains come.
I never turn away from a
sky of Grey because that
is when I wish Jane 
would wish I would come 
to her whenever the sky 
turned Grey.

When the Grey comes
I run out 
and kiss the rain
for Jane
and though she may be
thousands of miles away,
I always wish that when
she sees a storm on the
horizon 
she does not turn away,
for it is Heaven's way 
of taking my kisses to her.
Go out 
and kiss the rain 
Jane
whenever you think of me.

Where do I go from here?
I do not know,
but I am past my prime
whatever name be mine.
I guess I will have to 
accept my fate.
Love for me 
is too late!




             Written by jerry harrenstein in memory of Jane Appiah