Sassy

jerry harrenstein

On a hot,
hazy,
crazy 
late 
afternoon 
in 
July
a woman suddenly
appeared before me,
quite unexpectedly.
She stood in front of me,
right at our Sun's light
and this created a halo
around her,
thus giving me,
quite the fright.


For a split second though
I thought she was an Angel,
an Angel sent here to take 
me away,
but,
today,
no such luck,
since she was only a mortal
blocking our Sun's rays.

She began to speak
and her words rained
down on me
with a degree
of authority.
Words,
words
that she stammered 
and struggled with
to get out from under
her twisted tongue.
Words,
words that passed over
her aged pursed lips,
only to ask me 
if she
could sit down next to me.

I had no idea
as to what
I should say,
except for
yes,
yes,
please,
do sit down next to me.
Had I known that 
the woman I said, "please,
do sit down next to me" too,
had a heart
blacker 
than 
the 
blackest,
blackest,
night,
I would never
have extended
my hand
in friendship.

I had never experienced 
love coming from  
a woman's heart,
but a heart filled with hatred 
was to be my experience
with the woman whom 
now sat next to me.
The woman whom would give to me
my first taste of love.
The woman whom would give me
heartbreak,
heartache,
sorrow
and pain,
pain that would course its
way through every vein. 
All that,
yes,
all that would come gradually
to me
from the woman whom now
edged closer to me.
Her name was Sassy
and yes,
she was by definition,
somewhat classy.

Sassy could be a prize
visualized 
in any man's eye
and that's why I 
was surprised,
surprised that she had come
here to be 
with me
on that hot,
hazy,
crazy
late 
afternoon
in
July.

The time we spent together
that fateful day was short
and her mind-numbing words
were few. 
She revealed little about herself,
so I was left to conjecture.
The mystery that was Sassy
grew exponentially in my mind,
while I tried to figure out
what her angle 
was,
being not the Angel
I thought she was.

Sassy had not appeared to me
to be a Vamp,
nor a Tramp
out on the prowl.
That,
I sensed somehow,
but what I failed to sense
was the cold
hard fact
that Sassy would become
a living Hell,
my Hell,
my nightmare from Hell.

Sassy did not have to raise a brow,
or bat a lash,
nor pull a Rabbit
out of a Hat
to keep my attention.
Sassy beguiled me
with her uncompromised beauty,
her carefully parsed words,
her unusual gestures
and that's probably
why I had not seen
what was in store for me. 

Most gesturing is done with
a person's hands,
or subtle movements coming 
from their eyes
and face,
but Sassy's gestures were not
common place.
She gestured with her legs 
and feet,
which I found to be unusual
to say the least.
Her legs
and feet
mirrored 
the arms
and fingers
of a tree,
a tree
caught up in a
sudden wind,
which in the end
brought to my face,
a sheepish grin.

I caught myself
gazing into her eyes
and I began to wonder
if Sassy had a heart,
a loving heart,
a heart that given time
could become mine.
She had to have a heart I thought,
for a woman being that pretty
and smart,
she just had to have a heart.

I knew she had feelings,
feelings like I had
because I saw a tear 
slowly forming deep 
within her eye.
A tear,
a tear I would discover
she used to hide behind
whenever she told a lie.
I realized not that 
someone could live a lie
and believe it to be
the truth.

While we talked,
Sassy told me that she
came from a land 
that was on the opposite
side of prejudice
and being credulous,
I accepted that,
even though I knew not 
what she meant,
for my mind was close
to being spent.

Sassy went on to say that
there was no love in her life,
no man in her life,
nary a thrill had come her way
in many,
many,
many
a day.

Once again,
I knew not what to say
to her,
but I had no one to love that day,
so I asked her if she would accept
the love that laid in my heart,
because it would be better than
any pill she might want to take.

While extending my offer,
I wondered what she would do 
with my love.
Would she take it 
and run with it?
Would she hold it close to her side,
the side near her heart,
or would she give it
back to me 
at the sight
of Mr. Right?
Would she refuse my love
and give her love to someone
less worthy, 
just to spite me?

I had no idea what to think,
but when she leaned over
and said yes with her kiss,
she left a tear to fall
on my cheek
in her hasty retreat.
I was momentarily caught up
in a state of bliss
and failed to recognized 
what was to become of this.

Sassy went on to say
that the pain she had now
came from her past.
That the men she loved
gave her this pain,
pain that had come from heartbreak,
only to be followed by heartache.
Her eyes began to cry
as she went on telling me 
more of her lies.

In between her torrent of tears,
Sassy said that she longed 
for the day when true love 
would finally come her way.
I had no clue as to what I
should be saying,
or doing, because love had 
never come my way,
until that day.
I knew nothing about heartache,
or of a broken heart filled 
with pain,
no love had ever come to my heart.
I only knew pain
by its name,
but I knew I wanted to help her
just the same.
I wanted to help her gain
freedom,
freedom from the sadness that
now laid deep in her heart.

I offered Sassy my hand
and said that my love was hers
to keep.
A love that was honest
and pure.
A  love that she would be
able to cherish
and keep.
A love that would not 
cause her to weep.

I sat there in bewilderment
for a moment
knowing that what I had just said
might be too much for her to accept
all at once,
but deep within my heart
I knew I had to pounce
on that chance for
romance.
I had no fiancé,
no wife,
no sex life,
no children to bare my name,
no riches,
or fame,
with only myself to blame.
I wanted her love
and I wanted to give her my love,
so I left nothing to chance,
I laid my card's out on the table
hoping for romance.

Without any warning, 
or sign,
she stood up
and said she would
be mine, 
only let's give it a
little time.
Speaking of time,
she said it was time for 
her to go.
Then,
with an unusual calm,
Sassy said she would love
to have a taste of my love.
Shaking uncontrollably,
I stood up
and put my sweating arms
around her waist,
gently,
gentlemanly 
and passionately
I kissed her aged parched 
lips,
lips parched from the days
heat.
For me,
that moment was ever,
ever, 
so sweet.

Without ceremony,
or acrimony,
Sassy said good-bye,
yes, 
good-bye with a wave
of her foot
and a smile that nearly
knocked the socks off of
my feet.  

As she walked away, 
I yelled, "Thanks for
making my day"
and "Let's not make this
the end of our day."
" My love to you Sassy,
walk with my love next
to your side,
hold onto it with pride
knowing that my love
for you will never fall by
the way-side," I shouted. 

With the blink of my eye
the light of day,
quickly went away.
Darkness had come my way
and so had the men wearing 
White and Grey.
I ignored them
and  went on my way.


On  my walk home,
I only had thoughts
about my new found love,
my lover soon to be,
my Sassy.
My desire to be with Sassy
turned into anxiety.  
My mind headed straight to my heart
like an arrow shot out into the dark,
confusing me.
My lack of common sense
made it impossible for me
to see that nightmare ahead of me.
Had I known that was to be,
I would never have chased that flame,
that flame,
that flame 
I named Sassy.

I was smitten,
that I knew,
smitten like a child 
with a new kitten,
but my mind
would not listen.
I was blinded, 
blinded by that lie,
that lie saying she wanted 
to be mine.

When I arrived at my flat
and opened the door,
a tear had fallen from my eye
onto the floor.
I had never cried before,
so I dismissed it as a drop
of sweat
and walked over it
on my way through the door.

Once inside my flat,
I sat,
I sat waiting,
waiting for time to pass,
hoping,
praying
I would soon hear from my Sass.

The phone rang at last
and with immeasurable zeal
I ran to answer it,
knocking a lampshade over
as I made my way
through the dark,
the dark that would soon
become my light.
The dark,
where every night would 
become my day light. 
Day light wrapped 
in White.

On the other end
of the line
was my Sassy.
She spoke with me through
her wireless.
Apologizing for calling
so late in the night,
she asked me if was alright 
for her to come over around mid-night.
Holding back my adrenalin rush,
I made no fuss.
I calmly said, "That would be fine"
and before I could hang up,
Sassy shouted, "I love you"
and "Tonight I will show you
how I want you to give your love
to me."
With her every word,
I bit down on my lip,
closed my eyes
and wished she would materialize.

Only a little time had passed
before her knock came to my door.
It was almost like she had 
been waiting on the other side
for quite some time.

I calmly opened the door
and Sassy began to cry.
I asked her why
and she said, " I'm crying 
because I am so happy to 
finally be here."

That would turn out to be
another one of Sassy's lies,
with more of the same
to come 
after she came.
I was so lame
because I had not
recognized
her game.
I was so lame,
so lame,
that in the end
I would blame
myself for feeling ashamed,
when in actuality
Sassy
was the blame
for my shame.

I had no measurement to
go by.
There was no one with whom
I could compare.
No love had ever come my way
until that day.
Sassy was my only,
my one 
and only
lover.

Once inside,
Sassy's tears were no more
and I knew,
I knew I was about to score.
My imagination ran amuck,
imagining this 
and that
even before we had time to
exchange glances.

I was ready
and so was Sassy.
I playfully grabbed her hair
and dragged her up the stairs.
Then, 
with gentility,
I laid her down on my bed.
Sassy looked up at me
and said, "Take me,
take me to a place where
I have never been."
A tear had fallen from my eye
because I had no idea where 
to begin.
I just stood there,
sporting a mile-wide grin.

That drop of sweat that had
fallen earlier from my eye,
well,
that turned out to be a tear,
one of many tears,
which would be shed that night.
That was the night Sassy fled
from my bed.
That would be a night filled 
with her tears 
and mine.
A night of lies 
and deceit,
glossed over 
by her
sexual prowess.
So powerful was she,
that tears of joy,
passion
and ecstasy would
flow uncontrollably 
from me.

Sassy took hold of me
and gave to me my    
long awaited fantasy.
When our moment together
ended,
I was still shaking
and so was Sassy,
then she rolled over
with out a word being 
said.
I was spent
and full of shame.

I thought I was the one to blame
for the way she felt.
Where had I gone wrong?
I gave her all of the love
that was in my heart.
I loved her the only way I
knew how.
My kisses were hard,
full of fire
and long.
My hands were 
masterful
and strong,
so where had I gone wrong?
There was even a moment
when I thought my heart
was about to break out in song.
There was no song 
in Sassy's heart.
Her heart was silent
and that's when I should have
realized something was amiss.

I was not the blame for my shame.
Sassy was to blame,
it was  Sassy that wronged me.
There was never any love
in her heart for me,
only lust
and a magical touch
had she
for me.
Sassy knew this
and that was the reason 
why she laid there in silence.

Sassy said on the phone
that she would show me how to love,
but in our moment of heat,
her heart barely beat.
I gave all of my loving heart
to her when our bodies touched.
I had never loved someone so much
as I loved my Sassy.
Even her lips grew listless
after each one of my kisses.
Listless,
lifeless
and cold
were her kisses.
I knew she was old,
but not that old.
Her kisses were barely palatable
when I tried to bring a smile to them.
They had no more life in them 
then she had.
Yet,
I still hungered for more.
I wanted more of her magical touch,
so I leaned over to nibble on her ear,
but the glare coming from her stare
made it perfectly clear,
she wanted no more.
Her love for me was over,
she made that plain when 
she rolled over.

I felt my heart sink
as the blood from my heart
coursed its way back to my brain
from whence it came.
I would never feel the same.
I would never love again.

What was the matter with 
my thinking.
It's not as if I had 
been drinking.
I wanted to scream out her name
before casting away my shame.
Sassy was the one to blame.
Why had that happened to me?
Shaking with trepidation,
I asked Sassy to look at me,
to tell me that her love for me
was not a lie.
"Don't let me sit here and cry,"
said I.
"Don't let me sit here 
and cry," I cried out.
"Don't stop loving me now,
now that I have had a taste 
of love," I said.
"Cant you see what that 
will do to me,
don't just lay there,
talk to me, 
please, 
please,
talk, 
talk to me," 
were my words to her.
After all I said,
she just laid there
as if she were dead.
I was going out of my head.
Then,
with little effort on her part, 
she rolled over
and with no less than a bat
of her eye
she said,
"Yes, 
yes,
yes,
it was all a lie."
Tears burst from her eyes then,
while she told me
why she didn't love me.
"I never loved you, 
I only wanted you
to be my boy toy."
Was this her jurisprudence 
regarding love?
My God,
woman,
from the start,
from the very start,
I thought we had an alliance,
an alliance of hearts,
but to hear you tell it,
I was only a pawn
in your Queen Dom,
when all I wanted to do 
was love you,
give to you your freedom.
With her eyes about to sleep,
she told me that she was sorry,
sorry for what she had done.
Those were her last words to me
that night. 
She was safe in her sleep now
and I was left to wonder if her truth
was not another lie.

I cried the rest of that night
while she slept in front of me.
Sleep finally took hold of me
and that's when Sassy fled
from my bed.
She fled
just before early morning's light.
I rose from up from that night,
only to sit.
While I sat,
I sketched her face
over
and 
over
in 
my
mind.

I thought of her flesh
and the warmth that had come
from her breath
when our lips first met.
She took hold of my mind.
She fled with what was left
of my heart.
She left me to drown in her lies
and in the tears that I cried.
Sassy was not the Angel 
I first thought she was,
but her angle,
that,
I finally knew.

That morning,
I asked God to rescue me,
to rescue me from my fears
and not to let me drown in my own tears.
To give me strength,
strength that I would need
when I set off on my quest, 
my quest to find my Sassy
and bring her love back home
with me,
bring the love that once
was my heart home.

I had to have her back. 
I had to fill up the hole 
where my heart once laid.
I was once told
that love need not hurt,
that love could even mend
a broken heart.
I had to find out,
so out I went to find her,
hoping that she would apply
her love 
and heal my wound.

I looked day 
and night hoping to catch a
glimpse of her.
I even looked for shadows of her
when our Moon's light
lit up the night. 
I sat day after day
at the place where we first met.
I waited for her to walk out
into our Sun's light,
so I could catch her in my sights.
I sat there in the heat,
the heat that had always come
late every hazy,
crazy 
afternoon 
in 
July.

I was not alone in my wait,
the men in White 
and 
Grey
were nearby.
I paid them no mind 
because the day was only
so long
and I knew that the dark of night
would soon come along,
then I would be gone.
Sassy had not come to be with me,
only her lies had come.
Her lies haunted me,
taunted me,
her lies gave love a bad name.
Desperation was closing in on me.
I began to feel pain.
At first,  
I thought it was indigestion,
or a bad case of heartburn,
but the pain in question
centered around 
where once my heart was bound.
Was my newfound pain heartache
stemming from heartbreak.
It must have been.

My pain slowly generated from
deep within,
in the hole where once my
heart had been.
I had a heart that now was a hole.
A black hole,
consuming me,
tearing me apart
as it pushed its way out
from where my heart once was.

I guess it began the day Sassy left,
but at that time 
I was bent on finding her,
so I paid it no mind
and I had not known pain 
at that time.
My pain did not break from time.
It had no frame of time.
It came 
and went as it pleased.
Never to give me a break
was my newfound heartache.
It came during the night,
even in day's light.
It walked with me 
during the day
and throughout the night.
It even joined me in my bed,
making me weep,
making it hard for me to sleep.

My pain seemed to mimic
ordinary pain,
that was my thought,
because I had never felt pain
until the moment it came.
It even brought to me more
shame,
it drained me as it moved
through my veins.
Outwardly it was demonstrable, 
but inwardly,
my pain had turned into a monster,
a monster that was slowly consuming me.
A monster that would soon take from me
my sanity.

Black was my pain,
like black thorns
pushing through my chest,
tearing,
tearing through my flesh.
I had to put an end to it.
I had to stop the bleeding.
I had to find my Sassy
I just had too.
I had to lay my misery before her.
I wanted my heart back.
I wanted to feel again.
I wanted love once more.
Oh God,
when will it all end!

My search began 
once again.
Day 
and 
night
I called out her name.
I even watched to see
if she
walked out from under the
cover of our cities lights,
or cast a shadow under our Moon's light.
She was nowhere near. 
The bench where we once sat
was deathly cold,
cold like her waning touch.
I had grown weak
and needed sleep.
In my desperation,
in my consternation,
a light shined down on me.
I remembered the call she 
once made to me.

I quickly made my way
back home,
hoping,
praying 
her number was still there.
Once home,
I tore through every number
on my phone.
It was there
and for a brief moment
went my despair.

With renewed hope,
her number I dialed
and for an instant
a smile crossed my lips
with each number I dialed.
Please,
be there my child,
please,
please, 
be there.
I noticed my heart was not beating,
beating against my chest
as it had done several times before,
then I remembered
my heart was no more.
Sassy had my heart.

I went on praying,
praying she would be there.
Somehow,
no tear had fallen,
only a drop of my sweat
from my brow
took a bow.

With every ring of her phone,
I remembered everything.
The moment we first met,
her parsed words,
the whimsy of her gestures,
her kiss when she said yes,
the tear she left behind,
the tear that covered up
her first lie,
the night I cried
and the shame that had
come my way,
her thrusts 
in her moment of lust,
the night,
the night
and day
I first felt pain
when I thought my life
would never be the same,
the terror I felt knowing
I would never love again,
the black that was her heart,
the lies she said were truths,
Yes,
all this came back to me
as I stood there waiting,
waiting for her voice.

What would come from this?
What would be the outcome?
What would become
of her?
What would become
of me?
Of us?
Will she love me?
Will I forgive her lies 
and help her to live with truth?
None of that could ever be.
I could not live knowing my
life was a lie.
That was simply not me,
still,
I wanted love,
Sassy's love, as black a thought
as that might be.
I wanted the love she took from me
when she ran away with my heart.
I believed the love in my heart
would still be there.
I needed to know though
and I would not know
until Sassy returned my heart.
Sassy would always be the woman
whose love I wanted
and 
needed.
There was no other,
there had never been another
and sadly,
there would never be another.
That,
that I would learn sooner
than later.

Sassy's phone chimed no more,
her voice traversed the line
with a roar.
Even before I could speak,
her words of hate filled my ear
and then there was my tear.
She told me love from her
could never be
and for me to let her be.
I screamed out over her screams,"I only
called you to see if you were ready
to bring your love on home to me,
bring the love that was my heart
back to me," those were my words,
the words that I shouted.
"Your my scourge,
 leave me be," 
those were her final words to me.
I pleaded with her,
I tried to cajole her,
but it was all for naught.
All was lost.
Silence was now mine
because Sassy had hung up
her line.

I felt totally alone,
empty inside,
even thoughts of suicide ran rampant
through my mind.
Sleep overcame me just in time,
because I thought I was about
to lose my mind.

Morning came 
and I felt the same,
but that was about to change.
Sassy's love for me would never be.
That,
I finally realized.
I had to make a new start,
even without my heart.

I weighed the pros
and 
cons
that 
I 
now 
donned,
I knew now where I had gone wrong.
I went back to a place
I was familiar with.
A place where the
late afternoon day in July
was hot, 
hazy,
and
crazy.
That's were it all began.
Who knows,
maybe Sassy will appear once more.

Sassy did not come,
they had come,
they being the men wearing
White
and 
Grey.
They had come for me.
I thought they had come 
to take away my pain,
the pain that was once my heart,
but,
no,
they said they were here 
to take me away.
I asked them if I could stay,
I begged them to let me stay,
I had to stay,
I had to stay 
and wait for my Sassy.
I pleaded with them,
but in their eyes I could see
her hatred for me.
They carried in their eyes
her lies.
There was nothing I could do,
or say.
I knew not how to lie,
the way my Sassy had.
I could not run and hide
behind
God's skirts 
as she had,
thinking He would forgive her
for the lies she told.
Jesus had his Judas
and now Sassy was mine.
She brought them to me,
she knew where they could find me.
After all was said and done
no mercy from them had come,
they showed no mercy as the dragged me away.

Away,
away to a place where every night was day,
where the windows 
and walls were White,
the stars there were even White
when I wanted it to be night.
Even the lies there were White,
my cloths were White
and I was chained to them in White.
I was chocking,
choking,
choking, 
from all the White.
There was never to be for me
night.
My tears were even White.
The place where Sassy's picture 
once hung was White.
I even saw what I thought was my life
coming to an end whenever I stood 
and looked where a mirror once hung.
I felt that with every tear I shed
I was one step closer to being dead.
Once I had features that were bold,
my heart was 24 carat gold,
but now I just felt old
and a dreadful cold where
my heart once was.
What I would have given to feel
the flutter of Sassy's heart
once more,
to inhale her sweet smell,
to breath the very air 
she breathed.
That, I would never have.
The only thing that lay 
ahead of me was a Sea of White.
I think I will go now.
Go out and wait for my Sassy to return,
return with her love for me.
The men in 
White
and
Grey
joined me,
they kept repeating my name
and saying "What a shame,
what a real shame."


 written with love by jerry harrenstein