is this depression?

Kathja Andersen

My mom says "just be happy! i had it worse than you"
My sister says "you don't have depression! stop lying!"
My niece says "i've never seen you cry, how can you have depression if you don't cry all the time?!"
My response is always "I don't know!" or "That's not how depression works!"

People tell me "You're gaining weight... "
People tell me "You're stupid"
People tell me "Wow your life is easy!"

I tell myself "I DON'T HAVE DEPRESSION!"
I tell myself "I'M FINE! STOP LYING TO YOURSELF!"
I tell myself "EVERYONE HATES YOU! YOU'RE THE REASON DAD LEFT!"
I tell myself "YOU HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS! NO ONE KNOWS YOU!"

No i don't tell myself, i shout to the darkness
The darkness that i consider depression
The depression people say is just sadness
Crying myself to sleep, questioning everything
Questioning if i should have jumped, jumped off that bridge
Wishing i had never survived my own birth
Wishing i would have just starved to death as a baby

Hoping i'll get a sign, anything to prove i'm worht this oxydent
Hoping someone will help or say something else than "it's not real"
Hoping my mom will see, see i need help not just talks about happyness
Hoping my boyfriend will break up with me so he can find someone better
Hoping i can stay at home for eternity

My boyfriend, so loyal yet he dosen't know how i feel
My mom, so helpfull yet she hasn't helped me yet
My sister, so misunderstood yet she can't see that she dosen't understand anything
My niece, so innocent yet she hurt me more than my mother or sister
My father, so mean yet i used to consider him my father
My bullies, so ignorant yet they can't seem to ignore me
My friends, so sweet yet they don't listen when i tell them

When i tell them, everyone just closes their ears
They shut me out, they leave me, they abandon me
I don't talk about it anymore and now it only comes at night and hurts me
Makes me scared to sleep and be alone

Is this depression? are they right that this is just a phase?
Am i lying to myself? Am i alone forever ? Do they hate me?
Questions so many questions, i can't answer a single one of them