If you only...

Jade Kaiser

Grief of A High School Student for the Unspoken Words to Her Crush

Why it does still bothers me?
Where in fact it didn’t even bothers you...
Ever since.
It’s almost 4 years,
since I had this feeling for you.   
I didn’t even know what I’ve saw in you;
That makes me get into you. 
You were so arrogant and full of yourself.

But NOT…
On the day I first saw you,
With your smile so captivating,
That makes me fluttered,
and my heart was shaken.
And on that day,
I whispered to myself…

This will be the guy that I will like.
The guy that will make me think of him;
in the night before I sleep.
The guy whom I will wrote quotes and poems for,
The guy whom will bother my head every now and then.
The guy whom will make me conscious;
and makes me flutter every time,
We will see each other in the corridor of our school;
and inside the classroom…
The guy who will be my everything.   

Even though there was NEVER AN US.
Never thought you’ll be the guy;
who will make me cried too much.
It sounds so funny that I was so into you.
And I feel that you never care for me...
Even for just a sec;
Cause you were too busy being cold and;
arrogant towards me.  

But NOT until,
the last day at school,
My friends told me everything;
The reason that you’re being mean to me,
You’re really a dumb guy!
Didn’t even know how to show your true feelings. 

I can’t believe it…
not until,
Our paths crossed for the last time…
You smiled at me, 
Asked me if it will be my last day at school,
Really dumb!!!
Acting like you care for me.
You are really dumb!!!
Cause that was the day I was trying to forget...
my feelings for you;
But for the last time,
you keep bothering me.
You’re really a rude guy!!!
Keeping me thinks that there will be a chance for us…   

Knowing the truth that,
You also like me...
was way more painful than..
You!
Being cold and arrogant to me.   

After I left the town,
I was still thinking of you…
And I still cared for you.
Without noticing the years that passed by;
and it was almost four years…
That I’d still cared for you;
without seeing your face anymore.

Until I realized,
It was nonsense anymore to think of you.
Because you were with another girl already;
  
And another two years had passed.   
That I thought I don't care about you anymore,
and that I already move on;
For the feelings I had for you for almost 4 years… 

Without you knowing about what I’ve been through,
But it was all lies,
and empty denials… 
I still cared for you.
I still have feelings for you. 
I still get hurt seeing you with that girl. 
With the smile you have on your face
In every picture that you have together...   

Wondering if you still remember me,
Do you still care?
Like the last time we saw each other
That care,
that you’d make me feel…
The reason I can’t still forget you...
was because of that.   

Little hope you’d shown to me.
If you only didn’t showed it.
If you only didn’t make me feel cared by you.
If you only didn’t do it.
It was easier for me to forget you.
If you’d only stay being cold to me;
Until my last day in town…..  

I will never have to feel this way.
You put me into lots of doubts and confusion.
All throughout these years,
I put myself into so much distraction,
Just to forget you.

I doubt myself,
I confused myself,
And you’re one of the reasons;
But I can say that you were not the only reason.
But one of the reason,
I make myself believe to the things that I am not. 
And I should not be.   

You gave me too much heart ache and pain; 
Even though there was NEVER AN US.

If you only didn’t make me feel cared by you;
I will never have to feel this way…