My Curse and Blessing

chris

It's a curse and a blessing 
My mind which keeps addressing
The flaws I see within myself 
I ponder them, I study them
Crucially I examine
And a fix is still not revealed.
Do I subject myself to interrogation 
By some apathetic, crocodile tears performing person?
Do I then gratefully accept the rainbow hues of my medication?
That may mayhap change me for the better 
But which will change the person standing, staring in the mirror.
Should I instead risk the chance of slicing and dicing 
Just to feel alive?

Death is not what I wish but how can I love life
If I never know the struggle to survive,
Risk the chance that I could be discovered and sentenced 
To a sterile prison where my sanity may be revived
I think not, for either choice isn't really an option
I want to stay me, without attracting more pity
And imprisonment or a new personality adoption 
Is still not a fix.

I need a receipt like those you get on Christmas or your birthday
Just in case the clothes don't fit,
I need it bad I need it now
So I can return and get the me that that will be me
But me as I am or was without these flaws;
It's a curse and a blessing to know they're there 
At least I'm aware and trying to repair
Because so many just surrender, and dwell
Sinking deeper into the cracks
Where happiness and enjoyment of pleasures are repelled,
I'm trying to be fixed but the worry that plagues me
Is that I might become Theseus's ship.
Is there a way to rid these flaws from my person
Before they cause the mechanics of who I am to worsen
Or shall I be forever hoping they do not hamper things
For they are not the kind you would be searching for in diamonds 
To set within a golden ring.