TouDay(Today)

Kabao Lee

I went through so much with guys (9 guys)and so much pain but i never loved anyone this much. All those guys never really loved me, cared for me, understand me, or any other things. I dated so many guys because i was too nice to turn them down and end up caring for them more then they did for me. Also i figured that most of them dated me for my looks/body. It just funny how guys go for girls with a nice body. Well, anyways i stop searching and stop being nice.
And then this guy came along... His name is Tou Vang, pronounce as the number 2, and he was new to the school. Honestly when i first met him i thought he was ugly lol but he's a really funny guy. My close friends (Was my close friends) liked him or thought he was really cute and few of my other friends did too. They always talk about him how funny he is and everything and how he really gets you. I never had time to spend with him because we had different lunch. By the way he's 2 years older than me. Also he became my older sister close guy friend. They did almost everything together in high school. So i never really get to know him in person, i only knew him through my friends and my sister.
I guess as my friends & sister hung out with him i did a little here and there too. Then we started to joke around.. it was funny i thought his friend was cute.. and that's how we started talking more.. Then when his senior ball came, he couldn't find a date and he already started having a little crush on me. He told me that first time he met me i was very cute and pretty and as we spent more time together he started liking me. To tell you guys the truth i was having a crush on someone else( my ex lol) but it didn't work out.. Any ways back to senior ball.. i was his date to senior ball.. we dance all night.. Surprising he wasn't like other guys that would bring a date but still dance with other girls.. He actually stick with me the whole night.. We actually hard a few nice moments and that night was the night where i saw his cute side.. haha.. We did connect and after that night we started talking :) <3 hehe He was really cute and sweet.. like you know you can tell the difference from a guy that is a jerk and trying to be sweet to get girls.. but his sweet was true ^.^
Then we started dating.. actually we started doing couple things before being official together.. He was too lame to ask me out lol.. And what's cute is that when we were still talking he on his birthday all he wanted was someone special to watch a the meteor shower with him and that special someone was me <3 lol *forward faster* I'm not going to lie i did move on fast with him but it's because i feel so comfortable around him.. As our relationship starting to develop our love grew stronger. We became each other "you mean so much to me". Actually he means my everything but he's those type of guys who doesn't like saying always and forever.. or think of marriage or talk about it.. he was a really direct guy.. like i ask him why doesn't he say those things.. and his reason is reasonable.. lol.. his reason was " do you want me to lie like how every other guy who says that to girls all the time.." So every time i talk about the future he doesn't talk about it..
We did so much together that my family approves him :) they like him so much.. Sadly his parents didn't like my family background :( but we both learn not to let that effect us but it did effect us a little. Also it hurted me so much when i found out that his mom approves his brother girlfriend but not me. She gets to go to their house and cook for them, i would love to do that <3 & still do. I saw my whole future with him.. Because us together we make TouDay <3
Also he wasn't just a boyfriend. He was also my best friend & like my family when my family isn't there. You guys know when there's a guy that walked in your life and he just totally brighten your world.. Yes he really did made my life better. My family is totally messed up.. Lazy, annoying, put outsiders before family, & love money more than the family.. And every time my family have an argument or they start an argument he's there to help me and rescue me. He Brought me clothes and feed me everyday with food & his love.. He gave me everything that all those other guys didn't.. he gave me everything i can ask for..
Sadly the way he treats me.. It changed me. It made me into someone I'm not. It made me bossy.. it made me want him all the time.. it made me a jealous person.. A anger problem person.. A spoil brat.. He really gave me everything & it's both of our fault for my changing.. And how i changed affected our relationship... Obviously he deal with me for months.. and was very nice kind heart and still just let everything go because he loves me.. WE broke up a few times because of how i am.. But he truly loves me and came back every time.. But the sad thing is he thought of breaking up with me near Valentine day.. But he realize it would be too hard for me to deal with while still in school and facing valentine alone.. it's not that he stop loving me..
Its that i made him more sad than happy.. And it hurts to know that.. I remember he told me i made his life better, i was his happiness.. Also He's not close to his family.. he's closer to my family than his.. After through so much he couldn't deal with me any more.. and he left.. and it was just recently.. we dated for one year, 3 months and a half exact. from 043010 to 081511. I know i changed to a worse personalities... but i do not wish to be like this.. i just felt soo right.. He treated me like i was a princes.. It became some thing natural.. and when i realize it, i was already a monster and couldn't change back.. It's really hard to change back.. And i really want too.. Anything for him to come back..
Even though we broke up.. we still talked.. we took it as it was a break.. but when i couldn't change myself.. he still sees that in me.. and he decided not to come back anymore.. Even now he tells me i still mean a lot to him.. but i just need to grow up and stop depending on him.. but its the fact that he babied me.. and he always helping and supporting me.. And now without him around of course it's gunna be hard on me.. but he would lend a hand.. :( Also i gave him everything or i was willing to do anything for him.. and the fact that he always gave me all his time.. it was hard not to see him without a day.. and it just hurt without seeing him.. i miss him a lots.. and what hurts is that i love him so much.. soo much.. and he calls me obsess.. is it wrong to love someone this much? and after giving him these stress.. he wanna be happy with someone else. He say i;m not his last because he still young and still have a long way in life..
he's a very open minded person.. yeahh he doesn't see me as his last.. but the sad thing is i saw my future with him,... i was ready to spend my whole life with him.. but he never one time thought of it.. or mention to me about it.. He say he loves me.. And all i need to do is stop being obsess, grow up, and stop seeing him as my everything.. Then one day in the future after life is more stable we can try again.. he say that he never wanna lose me.. even if we don't work out as boyfriend and girlfriend.. he wish for us to still be friends and hangout like always.. By his harsh and not harsh words it kills me both way..
It going to be a really long time to be able to have more TouDay.. If there's no more touday how is there a tomorrow? *sighs*
After all this the thing that really kills me is that he see me obsess more than loving him.. *cries* and now he wont come back no more.. He told me to take this break up like every other break up i had.. but i told him those break ups means that they didn't want me.. and if i take it as every other break up does it means that he didn't want me too? But he said no.. it's been almost 2 months and i still cant get over it.. I still cry over it.. still ask him back.. Still waiting for him.. Still trying to improve myself.. Still trying to prove to him that i love him not obsess over him.. still trying to be independent.. and no matter how hard i try. he wont come back...
All i can do is succeed in life to show him that I'll do fine without him.. But it's so hard to continue my life without someone that means soo much too you.. it's like an outsider became a part of you.. then suddenly they're not.. Com' on he supported me more than my family.. he was there for me more than my friend and friends.. && he was the only that care for me.. uhhh i really don't know how to explain this.. words can not really express directly how you feel.. it kills you 100000 more.. *sighs* now he wont talk to me.. until i can control myself... Starting touday i wont call him.. contact him.. it's just so hard.. someone that was your daily thing is now not.. someone that is soo important to you and noww there not..
i really miss those words " i love and miss you Bly Day Lee!!" Last night i dreamed of me and him having our good times.. and i felt soo real and i didn't want to wake up from that dream.. && everywhere i am.. there's a memory... We been together wherever.. there's not one place i can go that would not have a memory of him.. Also it's so hard to succeed in life.. What i want to do for living is for him.. I want to major in culinary management after high school and go to the art of institutes.. he brought me to my future.. He's my motivation because he's picky in food and i always love to cook food for him.. && now without him i feel like life will change..
I wont lie.. i will wait secretly for me and him to try in the future.. he means too much to let go.. Also without him i don't have the courage to do any special events.. I'm not looking forward to it.. Halloween, Christmas and every other events was all ruined by him.. All the special events was ruined because we always end up arguing and him breaking my heart.. also every month anniversary was all bad.. although he did got me flowers every month but still ruined.. he doesn't know how to be romantic..
I feel like he needs me more than i need him.. i at least still have some of my family members.. but he has none because he doesn't open up or talk to them at all.. he lost in touch with all his friends.. and i still keep in touch with my friends.. he really just have me... and i wonder how he's doing.. All i know is that I'm going crazy for this.. Everything time i mention his name my heart aches.. I really love and miss you Tou Vang </3 I wish there's always more TouDay<3 043010