Love? Or just Gratitude?

D.K.M.D

Hello, my name's D. Koleen M. Dado, and I am going to go through a painful memory which I forced to stay hidden, admist all the other unwanted reveries.

It all started with a dog.
Ironic isn't it?
Everything starts with little things.... A kiss. A hug. A handshake. A smile.
As my brother,my mother and I had gone jogging in a park near our house when suddenly my mom cried out ''Look ! Isn't that Shaun's dog?''
At the mention of my crush's(he was my neighbor) name, my head snapped up.
Indeed it was, the dog that is.
So, my mom found a string and hooked it around the dog's leash. We walked it around for awhile and decided to go back.

On our way, I spotted his car and we caught their attention.
They were extremely grateful and my mom was chatting up with his mom.
And there he was.
Frankly, I would gladly like to rewind the past, just to see it again.
That LOOK, that look which makes my heart flutter.
That look where a lot of girls would die for.
That look of love.

HOWEVER, Now that I look back on it.... Was it JUST GRATITUDE? I would snort sometimes when I thought someone would actually like ME.
The stupid, fat, funny, huge boned girl (I inherited my dad's frame and frankly they are one of the biggest lot I have ever seen)
Anyway, I turned to look back to see if he was looking anywhere else. Or anyone else.
But no one was there.
He was looking AT ME the big, fat, big boned girl.
He was looking at me like I was something special.
I doubt I was. But that made me believe even more. Made me believe even more in love.
******

A few years had passed after that encounter.
Funny, is it? I love the boy who is my neighbor and yet I don't know a fink about them.
I don't really like using the word 'Love.' I have seen too many people used that word carelessly. Flinging it around like it was just something worthless.
But yes, he was my first love.
Anyways during those years of isolation from him, my aunt, who had worked in his place as a maid (I have very good connections) and she told my mom that maybe.....
I'm his type.

Honestly, I could've jumped for joy. I got squirmy and everything. How ridiculous is that?
A few more months had passed and I found him...
On Facebook.
Funny no? Internet can really put you down sometimes.
So I added him as a friend and waited....
Waited....
Waited....
For him to accept .... And he did.
I was happy.
I should've cherished that few days chatting with him. I thought that we were going to be best friends. I was careless.
So we did chat that few days, probably three, four,five. Only days. His internet was acting all stupid and I thought that it was because of ME he keeps on logging off. But he was like 'It's because of my shitty internet.'

So, I got albeit irritated when I chatted with him again. And I finally said ''You know you should really get you're shitty internet fixed.''
He logged out.
Frankly, I was crushed. I thought it was MY fault. My fault I have to be so stupid and shallow.
I know little thing but hey, wouldn't you do what I did?
What I did was sent a hundred sorry inboxes.
Like seriously. Alot.
And thank goodness he replied back ''Oh, it's okay it's just my internet''
And I was like ''Okay... Baby Face''
And that is when all Hell broke loose.
His....
His....
His....
His...
HIS GIRLFRIEND *cringes* logs on to his account and starts inboxing me ''Stay away from my boyfriend or I will go to you're house and shove a pipe up you're ass.''

Frankly, I got pissed and replied ''Bitch, fine,let's see you come to my house.''
I decided to see his pictures to see if it's true. And right there, was him and her.
HER, He was smiling at HER.
He was with HER.
Like he wouldn't be anywhere else but with HER.
And frankly, I was heartbroken.
That same night, he inboxed me saying I should stop inboxing him, because of his girlfriend. Hide, whatever.
I did use my other account(I didn't add him as a friend there)....for awhile.
I couldn't stay away from him.
So I opted not to hide and if this bitch wanted a war.... BRING IT ON.

But I'd forgotten that I was a stupid fat girl yearning for a love that didn't exist. That I thought was real.
Probably, it wasn't.
The girlfriend removed me as a friend using his account.
But yet again, I couldn't stay away...
I just...just couldn't .
So , I made this very long list of what I like, facts about me and that I loved him for 5 years, which took me 4 hours to do (using my other accounts)
So we could just be at least friends.
But I wanted to be more than just a 'friend'.
Oh, how I wanted to be.
She then inboxed me saying that I was pathetic and a stalker .
I retorted... Something not equally nice either.
Thanks to her however, I now have a pretty useful skill of word fighting in the internet.
I know how to hit where it hurts the most, hit the spots where it has yet to heal.
Like she had done to me.
It ended of me saying that she was wasting my time.
But.....
The only thing that hurts is...
What has HE been doing the whole time while I was being pounded into a pulp.

Nearly a year had passed after that dilemma.
Every time a sad song comes up... I always think of him.
What if?
What if I didn't send a hundred sorry messages?
What if I didn't inboxed that damned e-mail which took me four hours to do?
What if I hadn't add him as a Friend?
What if I had been smarter?I should've known it was gratitude that years back... Not love.
But was it?
I can't ask him anymore can I?
Thet'll be awkward ''Oh hello Shaun, I know you're a coward, watching get beaten into a bloody pulp doing nothing, when I had loved you for a gazillion years but can you remember a trillion years back, was it gratitude or love?''
F**K NO.
Sorry, I'm not into self -inflicted pain.
I had seen him recently. But I avoided him like a plague, same as him.
I'm not really open to people, I'm a listener, not a speaker.
I hate being vain, talking about myself.
I never really had a chance to speak up. Because usually I would hear other people ramble about their problems. I don't mind. Sometimes it makes him get out of my head... Sometimes... It doesn't.
The first time I had 'tried' to tell my close friends, they were talking about boys and their sad memories about them.

I tried to speak up.
But they just shunned me.
I am after all a listener.
Not a speaker.
The one time I did successfully told my friend, my bestest friend, who is like a girlfriend to me... She's not lesbian but yeah, anyway, she was those I-believe-in-love types and blah blah blah anyway the first time I did tell someone.... She laughed.

Am I that unbelievable? That I could experience that kind of pain?
The second time... Well , a guy friend he said ''OOOH this just keeps on getting better and better'' and kept on intruding during my tale telling.
They should at least have the decency to shut up and listen.
As of yet again, we don't see each other much anymore.

Did I tell you he skateboards?
Yes, he does. Now he doesn't
Did I tell you he loves the sound of the rain?
Did I tell you that he loved that dog so much that it still hurts him to talk about the dog (the one who started this story-The dog died a couple of years back?

I'm trying to move on.
Trying.
Struggling.
Whatever works.
I'm just a stupid fat 13 year old in love with a handsome perfect 16 year old. (I guess he's sixteen/fifteen... I didn't ask)
I'd better stop my ramble now, I bet you guys are all tired of me....
But I still couldn't help but wonder... Is it gratitude or something ....more?