Grass will never be green enough for me

kathryn

Let me start off by saying, i am a 17 year old girl who has had struggles ever since birth. My mother is mentally ill, and i haven't seen her for more then 15 minutes since i was 10. She was taken away from me since birth because my parents got a divorce. My two older brothers have memories of her only because her hormones got screwed up when she had me. they say the third times a charm, but completely not true in this case. So i got to see her every other weekend. Whenever i would be with her, i acted like a complete brat. i cried, yelled, threw hissy fits. She would punish me by giving me a 5 minute time out, but then when i got home, my step mother,would put me in the corner for a good hour or so, i was around 6 then. My step mom married my dad when i was 2, and at the time i liked her. Eventually things went bad. i peed the bed every night, i didn't stop until i was 16, and she punished me for doing when i got around 10. i never wanted to get punished so i started hiding my peed clothes in my room. she would find them and ground me even more and make me sit downstairs in the laundry room until all of my clothes were done. She always asked me why i hid my clothes, and i told her it was because she punished for peeing. She replies by saying she never once punished me for peeing only when i hid my bedclothes did she punish me. That was the beginning. My dad never played the discipline parent roll, so she was the one in control. One day i remember i was in 8th grade, and i was in my room, she came into my room and started yelling at me because i had towels in my room. She would say "how making fucking times to i have to tell you to keep the god damn towels out of your room?" i would reply, "i'm going to take them out, i have to get dressed first." she would keep yelling at me and i couldn't take it anymore and i started yelling at her and told her to get out of my room. she back handed me, and that day i went to basketball practice. My teammates saw my bloodied lip and told my school counselor. My school counselor then told children services about the incident. children services got involved and helped us try to come up with a better way of communicating. Eventually children services left the picture, and my step mom took control. children services taught my parents this punishment called "the oatmeal diet" this is basically a punishment consisting of, if i talked back to my parents, they would lock up the cupboards and they would give me three packets of plain oatmeal for 24 hours. This didn't work. cops were called at least8 times in my life time because my step mom didn't want to deal with me, or my attitude, which i don't blame her, i wouldn't want a defiant child either, but she could have tried more things with me, but she didn't want to. i went to juvy for 1 week when i was a freshman. i came back, and things were still the same. about a year later, i got in trouble for drinking. i got a probation officer because of it. Things started getting worse, and my dad would throw me on the floor and choke me until i gagged. My step mom would stand there and smile, and say "your not going to talk back again now are you?" At that point things would go good, and then go bad, things never stayed good for long. My step mom had to find anything to yell at me for. If i didn't put my stuff in my room, she would throw it away. In January 2009, my dad told me he was moving to Indiana for work, and my heart stopped. I did everything i could to violate my probation, because i didn't want to live with my step mom. i was late for school more then 7 times and that was a probation violation, so i went to juvy for that. my probation officer asked me what i wanted to do because she knew about my home life. i told her i didn't want to go back, that i wanted to go to a group home. she told me she will see what she can do. i spent 2 weeks in a juvenile facility, and then my court date came up and i went before the judge and told him i didn't want to go back, i would do anything not to go back there. He let me go to the group home. February 12, i entered the group home. 9 other girls lived with me, and i wasn't used to living with catty girls, i have only lived with my two older brothers. i got grounded a lot there, but for some reason, i didn't mind. i took my grounding respectfully and learned. i think i did this because i felt love there. i say that now, but when i was living there, i wanted to get out so bad. You will never ever have any idea what it feels like to be locked up in a house for ten months without any other contact other than your family, and i didn't want to have contact with my parents, so all i had were my grandparents. November 19 i got "released". i use those quotation marks because technically i didn't get released. the juvenile center needed a place to put girls because it was shutting down, so the group home just let me go. i was on probation again, and was put on house arrest for 1 month. I didn't get off probation until march, and even then i didn't earn it. My probation officer said he didn't want anything more to do with me because i know the system and i know how everything works, and that i am the way i am, that there was no use in wasting the tax payers money on me. Me and my parents got along after the group home for a good month, but then it went bad, that's why my probation officer did what he did, because he was sick of getting calls everyday from my step mom that kathryn didn't do her chore today. I'm getting along with my parents really good right now because i just stay out of the way and suck things up. i tell my step mom i love her, even though when i do it i cringe so bad. i do play the system. i do play life, because if i didn't then i would still be labeled defiant. i would have never been soon unruly if people didn't give up on me. one time at the group home, me and my favorite staff were having an argument, and i told her i wasn't coming downstairs to do the dishes, that i rather just lay her in my bed and get grounded. she told me that was fine, but you have 5 minutes to get down there or else i will ground you. My thoughts going through my mind were "I'm not going to let you win, i don't want to get down off my bed unless your downstairs and you don't see the defeat i have on my face" she went downstairs, and i sat there in my bed thinking about what time it was, just testing myself and the time. Of course i pushed to far and she came up stairs and told me i was grounded, i begged her and pleaded with her and just when i was about to stop, she gave me a second chance, and ms, Susan never gives people second chances, once her mind is set, its law. So i got down and did what i was supposed to. That's just one example from the group home. that same staff told me one night when i was to my boiling point and i cursed everybody out that day, she came upstairs when she wasn't even supposed to be working, she came up and told me she loved me. i knew she meant it to. i get emotionally to this day when i think of her. when i got out i called the group home everyday, but now a days i call them rarely. I am almost 18 and i think i mentally mature for my age, in fact, I'm more mature then what I'm supposed to be. sometimes its good, for example, when people argue and cuss at each-other, i tell good things about themselves, and that you shouldn't hurt others, but help them. other times though its bad being mature, because i dont act like other teenagers my age, i see through there excuses and lies. i see them being not real, and trying to impress everybody... by being like everyone else. i don't have many friends because of it, i don't want to be friends with someone acting fake. so its a struggle everyday for me to just choose how to react to certain situations. by the way, i didn't read any of this, so if its horrible I'm sorry lol i just want to know if i will ever be happy, that if someday the grass will ever be green enough for me.