whyy..

abbey

his name is jacob. and he is love. i can't see anyone else besides him. 7 months of holding a secret relationship behind everyone's back. he made me feel. after my uncle and best friend committed suicide, i was numb. and when he came into my life, it was like i was reborn again. i was literally a different person, all my friends said so. he broke off what we had on march 25. i gave him everything that i could. and i mean everything; he held my innocents in his palms.. but he has crushed them. i'm not saying that HE is THE REASON i am so utterly, pathetically, insanely depressed.. he's just the main cause. so much hope was stored in what we had, and he was my everything. he still is my everything. now, he won't even look at me. going from crazy hot make out sessions, to absolute nothing. is there a song for this? because i've been looking.. i cannot fit my pain into a poem or into words because they are so hard to detect/grasp and so hard to pin point or try to understand. i don't know why i am this chronically depressed, but i know that him acting like a complete ass isn't helping. looking up into his gorgeous green eyes, passed his blonde hair that was long enough just to barely kiss the tips of his eyelashes, he was all i felt. in that seven months, i held a frown for no longer than a minute and i cried not once. i was truly happy. i don't know why this was ruined the way it was by inconsiderate, sick beings.. but it's honestly unfair.. rumors are hard, but when they take away pretty much your life? that's just wrong. my life; my friends; my reputation; my love; my sanity.. gone.. because of one boy, one rumor. now, everything hits me 20x harder.. and don't say you're sorry, because you aren't. you can't say you're sorry, when you haven't experienced this pain, this mental abuse i'm abused with every single day. laying in my bed, trying to sleep, my sheet still smell of him and his body pressed against them still flash through my mind. with every toss and turn of my almost unconscious mind, my eyes flicker open as i am forced to remember something else of him. the vending machines; the bathrooms; my sheets; the teddy bear; his text messages; the orchestra hall; the dumpsters; the gym.. i can't stand this level of complete, utter, chilling.. loneliness.. and i can't talk to anyone about it, isn't that great? my family wouldn't approve; what friends?; writing doesn't work.. i just need my uncle.. trying to squeeze these words from my mind, is like trying to wring peanut butter from a dishrag: impossible... </3