letting go of my love

gonewild

my love story is just like others but i still wanted to share it though. i have a fantastic best friend since young, we're like sisters. we loved each other that we can't live a minute staying away with each others. when we are in college, we enrolled in the same university, one day while having a late dinner in our favorite restaurant i bumped to a guy, the first time i saw him i know at that very moment that i like him. just to make the story short after that incident we became friends, i found him Intelligent, handsome, talented and funny, i fell in love with him we became attached to each others until one day, the worst day of my life he asked my best friend for a date what hurts more is my best friend said yes. i felt like dying at that very moment, i wanted to scream and cry but i don't want to look stupid in front of them so i just pretend that nothings matter but deep inside i am dying. starting that day, Mark and Hannah became inseparable, Hannah said that he loved Mark and it kills me but i am happy for them. For i love my best friend and i love her boy friend. 2 years later, we graduated, have a stable job, they are still in love with each others and me dying inside.
for me i accepted the fact that Mark is for my best friend, and everyday is hell for me.. seeing them happy together while I'm bleeding inside, i kept the pain for so long because i dunno whom to turn to, every night i cried asking God to please take all the pain in me.

One evening while lying in my bed, Hannah went to our house crying, he and Mark Broke up. Mark broke up with her for no reason, in instance i got angry for him, for the first time i got mad at him for what he did to my best friend. for a week we never seen Mark, His brother said he went for a vacation to his aunt, while Hannah is grieving, almost dying for so much pain. we spent the night together, she crying for Mark broke up with her while me crying for seeing her in pain and crying for my love for him is now turned out to hatred.

December, i just got out from work i saw mark standing at the front of our house, i went out of my car ran to him and slapped him twice just to hurt after i saw the pain in his eyes. he turned and walked away, my heart said to run after him and hug him but i stop my self preventing to hurt my self again. after that happened i never saw Mark again for almost 2 weeks. Hannah still crying for him so as a best friend i make sure that i have time for her. i taught my self to buried my love for Mark even though its hard but that is the right thing to do. Christmas eve i went out to check my dog outside i saw a rose and a gift in our doorstep in my name, i rushed to my room open the gift, i almost cried when i saw that it's a bracelet with my name in it then i saw a note, with a shaking hand i open and read the note. i cried when i read it "My silence is just another word of pain, MARK" i dunno but i felt like my heart is broken pieces by pieces, i dunno what to feel, i cried all night.

Sunday i received a text from Mark. He wanted us to talk so i said yes. my family went to visit my grandparents, i chose to stay home for having the reason of not feeling well. at exactly 10 am Mark arrived, my heart start to beat so fast, i was shaking at that time. At the time we sat at the back of our house he started to confess his felling for me. he said he never intended to fall in love with me, he just woke up one day feeling it but unfortunately he's committed to my best friend and he doesn't want to ruined everything. His afraid to hurt Hannah for he knows i might get hurt to,and his not really sure if the feeling between us is mutual. So he kept his love for me for almost a year but then one day he woke up like can't stand it anymore so he broke up with Hannah and having the courage to confess everything to me, his crying. i dunno what to say at that moment, i cant even move, i just cried and cried. he hug me, i just let him. i cried harder, i calmed my self and said to him that i love him also for the first time we met but don't have courage to say for the sake of my best friend.

after that day, we explained everything to Hannah hoping that she would understand it but life it self is challenge. she got angry, he forsake me as her best friend and worst she cut her wrist almost brought her to death. guilt strikes me, i took all the blame, i can't even forgive my self, i her forgiveness but she said she can only forgave me if i gave up Mark for her, bring hi back for her. i love Hannah, his the only best friend i had, she's like a sister to me and probably because of the guilt is eating me inside i went to mark and begged him to love Hannah again but he said he can't. he can't fool his self again for the second time. he said that i was the one he love not Hannah. since then i avoided Mark, for how many times he tried to convinced me, begged to gave our love a chance but i refused for the sake of Hannah. after one month i received a mail in my yahoo acct from Mark telling that he went back to Canada to her parents to heal everything, but he promised that he will love me for the rest of his life. and if i have all the courage to fight for our love i just have to mail him back. his willing to wait even if takes forever. after reading it i almost die, i cried, asking God to take my life, im like a living dead. i am full of regret, i dunno what to do until now.

Mark is my life and my everything, such a regret that our love never had a chance. for how many times i tempted to mail him, tell him i love him but something always holding me back, maybe it's hannah or my guilt, or i am ashamed now to him, or my hate towards myself. hannah and i are doing okay now, we are trying to fix and bring back our friendship.

i wrote this to seek and ask for advice...
HELP ME to decide.