The People Who Know

Jessica

I grew up with friends that you would always remember. The good ones who would always be there for you. But I can never forget how they were always broken somehow. One of my friends was Jordan. Her father worked extremely late hours, her mom drank every night and smoked every day. Her older sister had every tattoo and piercing possible, her brother made her feel like an idiot and she had to care for her younger sister who was a toddler. Then of course her dad got repositioned and moved to another state. I think I was her only friend to, that person who would always listen no matter how crazy. Then there was Courtny and Samantha. They lived in a 3 bedroom house with 4 older brothers and dad. I'm not sure about their mother though sometimes it sounded like a divorce other times an accident. Their dad worked non stop to pay bills and only 1 brother had a job. People made fun of them because it looked like they never took showers. But they didn't know that they taught me to be creative. Because I bet teachers take pride in forcing to think inside the box. So that we could never truly be ourselves. Eventually I didn't understand at the time but their house was foreclosed and they had to move back with their grandmother, I never even got to say goodbye. Then came Kevin. I meet him the year after C & S moved away. He was thoughtful, creative, sporty, smart and understanding. We became friends very easily and quickly even though we were both shy people. Eventually it got to the time were people did everything they could to hurt you or embarrass you. Well, apparently he liked me so of course it made things very awkward. He wouldn't talk to me anymore and we were best friends so I got scared. That's when I knew they were right about him liking me but the thing is. I wouldn't have believed them. I would ignore what they said till he wanted to tell me.

Eventually he all out avoided me. It hurt me so much, I never thought that a person could ever be in that much pain... The year went by and I thought about all the times we meet up, every little thing we talked about. i knew that i loved him too, but i didn't realize it, till it was to late. Sometimes I lie awake crying. Other times I scream awake from nightmares. I even tried to kill myself... I felt so ashamed and then I started to think about why he would have left me, the pain that maybe he went through. Then I felt god awful. about everything. I have to see him everyday. Though I never get the chance to talk to him. It looks like he's fine now, so I'm glad he got over it. but i can't help but think if i really meant something to him at all then. I hope he gets everything he wants in life; if I had to, I'd give my life up for him. Every time my heart beats it feels more like it's throbbing. Every tear I ever cried is just another lake. Every brick I put up adds to the wall I make around myself. Everything, means nothing to me now.I don't trust my friends but they can trust me.I know I have to be strong that I have to be their for my friends no matter what cost I have to pay. I just can only hope that I can be strong enough. For their pain, their problems. I won't let them have to deal with mine ever.