Silent Love

Cat that loves a Dog

It was around the beginning of freshman year when there was a big rift about a boy, lets call him Will, liking a girl in Humanities class. I had always been good at reading people's body language, so I was pretty see this guy liked her. But still, i wanted to be sure, so one day, I decided to IM Will. I asked him if he liked this girl. She was a pretty and pleasant girl, so I would not have been surprised if he liked her. I have no idea why I had asked him. Maybe I wanted to make a friend then, being from a different district and all, or perhaps I had wanted to help this poor guy out, I really do not remember. The reason does not matter. What matters is that I eventually fall for him. I would have never thought that I would fall for some ordinary looking guy, with no apparent talent. He was not outgoing and really kept to himself, despite his tendency to attract attention. Although his build was moderately impressive for a 14 year old, that was not what I fell for. It was the mystery of his existence.

With my pathetic excuses to start a conversation online, we talked nightly for the rest of freshman. With us both being in the honors classes, I would get him to teach me stuff, even if I already knew the answers. Silly conversation starters would eventually merge into talks regarding deep topics like love, life and philosophies. With him being a sensitive guy, sometimes he would get angry about me convicting him of liking another girl in vain to start another conversation with him. He would then just log out and ignore me for a day or two. In the end I would be the one asking if he hated me, why he was mad at me, why he hadn't talk to me for so long. Oddly enough he would give me excuses irreverent to our quarrels.

So time goes on, and we talk through the summer before sophomore year. Will still talked to me on IM but his responses were now getting slower and slower, whilst I was stupidly waiting for his every message, ready to respond. When sophomore year actually started, I knew I was in love with him. In every class, we would somehow always be near each other, and we would make eye contact. I am certain he had liked me then. At least a little bit. So I play hard to get, doing nothing more than looking into his eyes. But soon, I felt that he had been getting too close to another girl. Let's call her Ann. Ann had everything going for her, she was popular, pretty, athletic and oh so very charismatic. She ha she advantage. She actually talked to him. Jealous to the point of rage, I convicted him of liking her to the point that he got so mad that he ignored me for almost a month.
I was devastated. Yes it was my fault, but inside, I knew he liked her. I needed for him to know I didn't like it without revealing my true feelings for him. I didn't want to face rejection. Soon , I broke, I needed him. He was the one I had asked to make major decisions for me. He was the one that had helped me reject other guys. He had been my first love and I was unable to function without him. So I sweetened him up via Facebook. I decided to make it clear that I was the one that liked him, thus I praised him for acts he does in school and flirted openly. Online of course. He talked to me as if nothing had ever happened. I was so thrilled. I had convinced myself that he had only gotten angry because he had loved ME. Not her. And he was too confused to admit it. So I waited. And pressured him into telling me who he liked. This time, he admitted it. And it was not me. It was her.
I had died a little inside. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to cry in front of him. Anything for him to see my pain. I stopped talking to him. Never once did he message me to ask what was wrong, Never once did he talk to me in person. He just stared a me. I really didn't understand. This guy, who notices everything I do in school, understands me more than myself, is not in love with me as I am with him?

Senior year started and I was again hurt when Will decides to only do partial IB, whilst I was stuck with the full deal. Thus i never got to see him in school at all. It was HE that had picked the majority of my courses. I changed a classes to higher level just to be with him. Thus I had more than required 'harder' courses.

I did all this just to see him. I mean, I had the power to sense when he was in the same room as me without turning around. And although we had barely spoken ten sentences in person as long as we have known each other, we knew the other's voice by sound. Back then, I would laugh and he would know it was me. I would stay up till three just to help him with homework. He would lecture me for hours about being to uptight about marks... Back then, I truly believed that this guy was right for me. Although I was young, I believed in true love, as my mother and father were about our age when they had first met. He was strong in the areas of which I lacked. I mean, what kind of guy knows how to cook, draw and speaks multiple languages. Languages that I spoke and more.

Presently we are still in senior year and are still not talking. It's pretty clear that he doesn't cherish me as I do him, but there is no way of forgetting him. I love him to a point that I am happy as long as I get to see the back of his head every day at the end of lunch. I don't understand how one guy is able to talk to me for twelve consecutive hours and had been willing to lend me his textbooks everyday, yet not say a word when we are alone in a room for an hour. Why?