Greater Love, Greater Pain

Christian Fire

My story starts back at December 2008 when I was in 9th grade. I was out with some friends when one of my friends called 3 girls from his class (2 of them I already knew) and said to come hang with us. I didn't knew the 3rd person (I only knew her by face) and the other friend usually opens his mouth about anything and he said: "Hey did you know that she has a boyfriend?" Deep in me I felt a little disappointed, then i said to myself "What do I care." Then she came with the 2 girls I already knew and so we met.

After awhile we started hanging out, we talked a lot and one day she asked for my Skype. And so we were chatting every day, up until late and little by little I was starting to like her(she was still with her boyfriend).

April 2009 we were talking about her home city (which is about 10km from my city) and I was joking about me going in her town like a tourist when suddenly she said "you know, that's not a bad idea. Why don't you come? I'll show you around town." I knew it was a bad idea but I wanted so much to spend one day with her. So I went there, we talked a lot, learned stuff about each other, she spoke of her boyfriend and said "I would like to meet you someday with him."
May 2009 I was just leaving school when in front of the main gate was one of her friends (one of the 2 friends from the beginning) and she was talking to some guy and a girl. I don't know how but I felt that he was her boyfriend and believe me, he looked nothing like how she described him. I told myself "that's bullsh*t. No way can she be with this guy." Few minutes later I had to return back to school and while I was in the building I saw my crush with the guy from the gate. "I want you to meet my boyfriend." I have never felt such pain as it was new to me. Summer we kinda got distant (or I got distant from her) and my feelings to her were cooling down. Well, until she invited me to hang out for her birthday. I went because I thought that it was all over but when I saw her... I felt how the time had stopped for a while, my heart was beating so strong that I simply forgot to breathe. Let me ask you something - have you seen an angel? Because on that day I saw the most beautiful angel that can ever exist. I was insanely in love with her. We started to talk more often and so our friendship was restored.

August 2009 one of her 2 friends made a party at her place. On that day I saw the two of them kiss. I felt like a steel knife went through my heart repeatedly. I was able to hide the pain eventually but...

...on September 2009 her friend was having a birthday. We were almost the same group as we were at the party. we slept there and I needed to get a blanket from a room and in that room I saw them cuddled together in a small bed asleep. I wanted to die so that the pain would go away.
I couldn't take it anymore so I told her the truth.

29th October 2009 - the day I told her everything. Later that day we went to a park and set there on a bench. When I told her how I feel she said that she had something to tell me too. She told me that she and her boyfriend weren't together for a month now. I could not believe my years. I thought it was a dream. At one time we both were quiet for a sec and she was looking in the ground and said "Why can't you boys tell a girl "I love you" in the eyes?" And I replied "oh yeah?" I waited for her to look me in the eyes and when she did I said "I love you" She then hugged me and we were like that about half an hour. I felt her heart beating towards my chest, then after awhile she said "I'll miss my train..." I let her go but she was still holding me few more seconds, she couldn't let me go... On the way to the train she said that she didn't want to rush things and doesn't wanna hurt me.

December 2009. So time passed by, we were together everyday, we talked, we laughed, when one day I asked her "What exactly do you feel towards me?" She replied "When we talk sincerely I really want you to be with me, to hug you.. but then there are doubts in me, but when those doubts passes by I want to tell you those 3 words you told me that night." And she kinda told me that I was still little (she's an year older).
With sadness in my heart and sorrow in my eyes I decided to move on, so I pushed her away from me, I changed into someone I'm not. I became a different person just so I could stop loving her.
After a one month trying to forget the love of your life I realized that it was hopeless so I went to her and said that I'm sorry, that I only did it so i could forget you. She said that it's ok and that she already had forgotten about it. From that day nothing was the same...

April 2010 our school organized a mask party as every other year and on that party I told the DJ to play one song (our song Red - Pieces) I went to her and said "May I have this dance?" She smiled and replied "Of course" While we were dancing I spoke quietly to her ear "I love you! And I will always love you no matter what! I'm ready to wait as long as it takes to be with you!" She said back to me "Why do you keep doing this?" I said "Don't you want me to?" and she replied "Of course not! Please stop tormenting yourself."

I just got a whole new meaning for "pain". That kind of pain that can't be compered with broken bones or burns from fire burns third-degree. It was something unbearable... My life became meaningless, I became cold, empty, dead...

And here you think that my life can't get any worse! Well, wait until you hear this one:
My best friend who studies in a different country said that this summer's coming home (my city) and that he wanted to tell me something important. He told me that he was in love with her from the beginning (2009 - they chatted in skype, a lot) I still had a little faith that I'll be one day with her but that faith soon became dead. She was really glad to see him. Actually nothing happened then. He went back to the other country and he said that the next time when he comes he's gonna tell her how he feels and I was like (yeah good luck with that).

December 2010 he told her how he felt, she felt the same way. So they started dating. I was dying from the inside, now with no hope left I sat beside them and watched how my best friend was with the love of my life. And there was nothing I could do about it. Long story short:
He left again in January 2011 and came back again in April for 2 weeks. December 2011 he came again but this time for permanent. He said that he would propose to her. So he did... Now my best friend is engaged to this girl. Right now I can't really say that I love her anymore, but every time when I see them together I feel like there's no reason for me to live anymore. Don't think that I hate my best friend for this. On the contrary - I helped him establish the relationship, it's just that he doesn't know how I really feel and I don't want him to know because right know he is the world's luckiest man and I don't want him to think about me, how I'll do and how I really feel when she's around.

"When people get hurt, they learn to hate!"

P.S. Sorry for the grammar, this is not my language.
P.S.2 There are a lot of details that I didn't write because I wanted to be as short as possible.
Thank you for reading my story.