Breathe

Jatemme

Love is such a big word, yet used in such various ways. Its a word someone can abuse or can be used to give life. Its waking you every morning and knowing that the beautiful sun will kiss you in the face and the birds will orchestrate the most beautiful song that I deserve. When love hits you, you don't see it coming yet you don't feel it coming. It comes to move you and shake the very essence of existence you hold dear.
Can you breathe under water, probably not. Can you fly without wings? You cant.... Now, can you feel pain in love? That's the question i ask myself everyday.


My roommate Pauline was my high school best friend. We went to college together and shared an apartment together. She was my sister that i have always wanted. For 2 years, my life became an song on repeat. Waiting for the song to end and starting over again, i lived life by going to school, eating, and sleeping. Summer of 2008, i have me a young fellow. His name was Daniel. We became the best of friends and i didnt know what it felt to have a crush.. I've never had a boyfriend before. I was twenty years old with the mind set that one day God would send me a wonderful man to sweep me off my feat.

I wasn't ugly, i wasn't poor and i wasn't stupid. Yet i always thought that no man would ever want me. Daniel became my best friend. Him and Pauline became friends too. I sang, so everyday he would come over with his guitar to go over songs with me. Without me realizing it, i began to develop feelings for him. His big blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. I started vocal lessons, and became better. That meant that i wasnt home when Daniel came over with Pauline.

Daniel told me one day that he liked me. He asked me if i saw us in the future together. i didnt reply. I was too tired. Weve been talking for hours. I fell asleep on my couch, he put a blanket on me :) We went everywhere together. He became everything i wanted in a man, yet i couldnt say anything because i was scared to..

i had to go home for the winter, which was a month. i left, gave Daniel a kiss in the cheek and told him to watch Pauline for me. I left, and hr told me he was going to wait for me. I smiled and walked in the plane. I wasnt gone for a month. I was gone for three months. I missed him so much.... A longing that even the ones with darkness in their hearts would feel. I was getting ready to go back to Pauline and to my Daniel....

when i arrived, i noticed that they started talking more than usual. I softly let it go... But shouldnt have thinking they were just being friends. I woke up one morning and got ready for school. A new text message from daniel. "Meet me after school". School went by quickly and had curiosity eating at me the whole day. I drove to a cafe, waiting for Daniel... There he was.

"Hey whats up?". Nothing he would say, silent most of the time. We started to engage into a conversation yet it would die out before it even started. This Daniel isnt the same i met a year ago. Are you ok? I asked. "i like you very much and i want our relationship to be more than just being friends". I smiled. "Yes".

The past two weeks became one of the bests of my life....... You're probably thinking, whats the sad part about this story...... The sad part is, he didnt say that to me.... he asked me if i would be okay with him dating pauline.... My reply, "Yes".

Over the next seasons of my life, were the hardest. Can you imagine a constant ripping of my heart. The constant hurting. And feeling numb and feeling nothing and feeling ........ an emptiness. I would cry every night, silently so they wouldnt hear me. Breathe. Just breathe.


They're engaged. They're Together. They're what i wanted to be.