numb

cali

19 years old, an age where you are suppose to have so much to look back on. crushes, likes, loves, love losts. When i look back all i see is a blank page. nothing. no love. and that is the worst kind of pain. We all want to believe in love but to me it like magic.. just an illusion. my heart is frozen. i do not let any one in and it is beyond my control. i have this idea of perfect in my head which i am foolishly still searching for. fact is.. it doesn't exist. so how will i ever be loved if i am not capable of loving? i got close once.. this almost perfect boy that made me fall head over heels. my hearts still hurts for him. was it love? no.. love is not a 1 way thing.. to be in love.. two hearts have to be connected... two souls have to come together to create something as strong as the word love.. he didn't love me.. and it was something i didn't understand.. i hurt for him.. and i didn't understand how he couldn't feel as much for me as i did for him.. it didn't make sense in my world.. so until this day i am blank.. u ask me of the word love & i have no response.. for i do not know the meaning of the word.. & i really wonder if i ever will.. i know it exists.. for i am hopeful & i have seen it with my own eyes.. but maybe everyone is not lucky enough to feel such power. the worst part is.. when u are alone and alone.. meaning you have no one; but you are the only one who has no one.. you look around you and everywhere u turn there is people whos hearts are filled with love.. your friends are all in love.. some married..starting families and you are still alone.. not only do you not have love.. but not even friends.. from what i have experienced, love exceeds friendship.. so your friends will put you aside for their loved ones.. so in the end there is no one left for you.. no friends no soul mate.. just you.. sitting alone in your room hurting.. people cry when they have been heartbroken. when their relationships turn to dust.. but i envy every single one of them.. at least they experienced love.. and it is better to have love hurt you then to never feel it at all.. then you will become numb..frozen.. you will feel nothing & that is the worst kind of pain. the worst heartbreak..