Can't Let Go

Maya

It all started during my second year of high school, I started dating my good friend, Nicolas. Nicolas was a very quiet person, but certain topics could make him talk non stop. I liked that about him. He didn't smile much, but whenever I was with him, he’d show me his adorable smile, I’d feel like hugging him tightly from his cuteness.
I wasn't quite sure how we ended up together, we’re complete opposite, in our taste in Music, Style, Personality.. But maybe, just maybe, that’s what made us come together? ..I’m still not sure why I love Nicolas.

The first time I met Nicolas was in the last year of middle school, he used to sit on the first bench on the right with John, while I used to sit in the middle row in the second bench with my friend Nora. That’s when I noticed, Nicolas used to always stare at us, and I was sure he wasn't staring at me since I had a boyfriend at that time, so I immediately thought that he has a crush on my friend, Nora! It’s actually a happy feeling when you see a person in love with another.. But it’s heartbreaking, when there is not mutual feelings.. But..

We were already in the same class in high school, and as usual, I sat with Nora, and he sat with a random kid in class, behind me was another friend of mine, her name was Tamara, who sat with her friend. And as the days passed on, I broke up with my first love, over something he took very personal, and there was still no improvement with Nora and Nicolas. And yet, I could hear Tamara saying that Nicolas is staring at our bench for too long. I smiled, hoping for some improvement, but that didn't happen, things got worse. I tried to help him with Nora, but nothing could work, she was the type who didn't want to be with anyone yet, and even if she did, she wants him from the same country as herself. I understood that quite a bit, cause that’s what I've thought for so long, even my first love was from the same country as myself. But, then I realized, that type of thinking was wrong, I wouldn't mind being with an Asian, or a western guy. As long as he’s kind hearted and is ready to do anything for our relationship, isn't that enough?

Ever since Nicolas became a friend of mine, Nora and me weren't as close as before, she didn't like the fact that I helped him out. At a moment, I knew she was right, cause if I was in her spot, I’d be annoyed too. But again, isn't that the reason for us to be together? I loved him, for caring about me, for fixing my heart after my break up..

The first time I realized I’m in love with Nicolas is when we were choosing our second year classes, and I made up my mind that I want to take commerce, where I took Economics, Accountancy, English, Informatics and Business Studies. But Nicolas took my opposite.. Science, which included Chemistry, Physics, Biology, Informatics and English. The only period we could see each other was informatics, It was quite sad, cause most of my friends went to science. Being in different classes, I didn't like the idea, but I had to keep my mouth shut, this was his first decision by himself for his own future, I shouldn't ruin it for him, should I? But thinking again.. He’d be with Nora in Science.. How would I take it? Not very well..

After submitting our choices to the teacher, we had a month to change our mind if we had to. I kind of forgot about it, and spent good time with Nicolas, until one day, he held my hand tight, my heart was pounding so fast, he held it for the whole day, not leaving it. That was during our last week of our first year of High School...That day, as we were leaving the school premises, heading home to start preparing for our exams. Everyone was hugging each other and saying they’d miss them.. That’s when it hit me, how much I’ll miss him if he went to another class, even if Tamara, Kaley and Hannah were with me, without him, I felt very lonely. I was few meters away from him, seeing him talking to his friends, I tried to hold my tears, but when he got closer, I couldn't, I cried and then he hugged me tightly and said, “ I’m always going to be there for you, I don’t want to see your tears ever again, Maya.”


In February 27th, Nicolas called me while I was jogging.. Our conversation went on for about an hour, until he said this.. “ If I asked you out, do you plan on staying with me forever..?”
“ Of course.. “ was what I said in a very low tone.. I knew I wouldn't break up with him unless it was serious..

Exams passed, and it was 29th March, it was our first official date. We went to the beach, had dinner and it was fun. I had so much fun that I ended up sick the next day. Time passed quite fast, we saw each other quite often when we didn't have school. Everything went smoothly, until summer.. Who knew I’d want to break up with him? Everything was okay, nothing went bad between us, we never fought, or caused each other any trouble. I felt I needed some space, I wanted to take a rest for a while, so I told him I want to break up. The expression on his face, was sad, made me feel very bad, and depressed. The way he was begging me not to let go, made it feel worse. If I have to be frank, it didn't make me feel bad at that time, unlike now, remembering it, just feels my eyes with tears and sad memories.

I never wanted to hurt Nicolas. He was a great person, with a caring heart. But, he changed in the end, coming back that summer to school, I was asked out by him again. I had to say no without a second thought. My issues were worse, cutting myself was the issue I suffered from. But we made a deal.. He said He’ll talk to me only if I stop hurting myself. And so I did stop, he spoke to me, but then stopped after couple of days, for no special reason. I would understand, it is his full right to stop talking to a person who have rejected him.

But I keep wondering, is it right to make a girl feel this bad? Is it right to make her go through all this crap just to make her feel as bad as you felt few month ago? I’m sorry, I don’t approve of that. Honestly, from personal experience, Ian and me went through a lot, we caused trouble to each other, spoke behind each other’s back, but still, till now, he gives me the biggest smile anyone would give me. For a 2year girlfriend, and breaking up, it’s only normal for a guy to really not talk to that girl. Comparing Ian to Nicolas after what happened.. I could notice the bad points about Nicolas, how childish he is.

Waiting for him, October passed, and then November, and then December came, and I am still hoping there is a chance of me and Nicolas being friends, but this is when, he started treating me like non-existent.. Which hurt so bad, I've never been ignored this much in my life, and I couldn’t take it at all. I tried provoking him and making him talk to me. It didn't work, until I made Kaley let him sit with her and I was near by too. But that didn't even work, but what happened then was very heartbreaking.. It broke my heart so bad that he basically said “ I don’t see anyone here to talk to.”

It’s like this, my hatred for that guy increases, but at the end of the day, I tell myself that I like him. My heart can’t be mean, I’m sure I’m sweet. I changed that kid, to be a great guy. But it didn't go as expected. He started liking another girl, and his attitude changed. Changed to the worse. It got me worried.. I couldn't believe that Nicolas is not himself anymore. Being talkative, being a bully and being very non-caring about other people. It was utterly shocking. Hannah understood exactly how I felt and she agreed with everything I thought was different.

I took a break, from this crappy life, I tried not to think too much. And it did work. Hannah, Tamara and Kaley were there for me. They kept me occupied, and so, January and February went very smooth. No depression, no sadness, that’s how I liked it, thinking I’m moving on slowly, and everyone was glad.
And so, our exams started, and we were all promoted to our third year of high school, or rather, our last year in the school.


I wanted my last year in my school to be peaceful, cheerful, with no worries and no enemies. So I basically made up with everyone, beside Nicolas, he was a hopeless case. I couldn't get him to talk to me at all. All I was told that, his hatred towards me was only increasing day by day. This is when I realized how much I care about him, no matter what happened to him, I still cared. No matter how much he pushes me away, I’m a side viewer of what’s happening in his life.

I really don’t want to see him with anyone else. Even though there is no way I can be with him forever, that would be only a fairy tale. I wouldn't like it if he gave that girl what he has only given me.

One time, we had informatics, but our teacher was not present, so I sat with Hannah at the front bench, and I was in a position where I could see everyone, and what they were up to. This is when I saw him, giving Jane that one smile, that smile that he only showed me when he caressed my cheeks. Ever since that day, I get hurt by just looking at him, there is this feeling in my chest, it’s like my chest feels heavy, and whenever I swallow it’s like I’m going to cry. But all I do is, cry in silence. I don’t want my friends to know how much I’m in love with Nicolas, even though it was me who broke up with him over something personal. I don’t want him to give other people what he gave me.

I have this certain song I love listening to. It makes me feels warm inside, even though it’s a feeling filled with sadness, it just reminds me of myself and the condition I’m in. But I’d have to be glad because I used to hurt myself when I’m sad and depressed. And I think, the only reason why I am keeping myself from hurting myself is because Hannah was supporting me and helping me to get through my issues.


But till now, I’ll have to admit, I’m stuck in this phrase of my life, and I do not expect
myself to be moving on anytime soon either. I was wondering the other day what was the feeling in my chest, which made me move to this solution of telling him how I feel. So I called him up… and this is how the conversation went..
“Hey, whats up? Are you busy?”
“ Nuh, I’m out.”
“ Would you spare one minute of your time?”
“ Yeah, speak up.”
“ Uhm.. I know you love Jane, but if I didn't say how I feel to you now, I doubt I can feel relieved, and I won’t empty my heart”
“ What? “
“ I know you like Jane !! And I wanted to tell you that I still love you…” was what I said in a loud tone. But what he said didn't go as expected.
“ Yeh..”
“uh.. Well have fun then..”
“Yeh..”
“Take care.. Later..”
“Yeh.. Thank y--” I hung up.

My chest pained even more after having that conversation on the phone. I walked slowly to the stair steps which I usually sat with him on. Took a deep breath, and looked at my phone, and my nose started turning red. I called Hannah, she wasn’t picking up. I had to talk to someone, so I called Tamara, she answered. I could hear her happy tone. It didn't do any good.. I went silent on phone.. “What’s wrong Mai?” Tamara asked, but I kept silent, and she asked me again and I was still silent.. “ You gotta tell me what’s wrong!” I cried. I was crying like a baby with a phone in my hand all alone on that step which me and Nicolas always shared.
It was a horrible feeling.. I love Nicolas, but I now have to let go of him.

My memory of him holding my hand and begging me not to leave is not leaving my mind. It’s the only thing that keeps me burst into tears. Cause now, every dream I have, is me doing the same for him…