My Story

Confidential

This is the story of an 18 year old man (I use the term man because in light of the circumstances you could hardly attribute these feelings to a boy) who has dug himself into a situation in which it does not matter where he goes or what he decides to do, he will be forever haunted by the fact that he messed up possibly the only thing he ever wanted before he was even aware that he wanted it. That man, as I'm sure you are aware is me. Sadly, I cannot release names. The situation is far too delicate to do so. My story is a story of love. It is a story of feeling and passion that will leave many saddened, some strengthened, and many others baffles by its sheer emotion. My story may not be long, but please read it. It would help me greatly. My story begins in my 5th grade year of school. I was young. I was shy, and I had no clue of what love was. I was surrounded by children I didn't know, nor did I care to know. There was one person who showed interest in me however. A young girl. As I mentioned earlier, I cannot disclose names. However, I will, for the sake of ease, refer to her as Ashley. Ashley was a year older than me, and in the same grade. She followed me around like a lost puppy. Which meant nothing to me at the time, but everything to me now. We attended the same school as each other all the way through our 8th grade year, sharing both good and bad moments all the while. We even tried dating each other on 3 separate occasions, none of which turned out particularly well. She had many different problems, ranging from multiple health problems to being in and out of foster homes her whole life. Needless to say it was stressful to date her.

At the end of our 8th grade year she vanished. Most likely due to health issues but I'm still not positive. Still being young, I didn't really dwell on it for too long. I moved on, as did she. A year went by, and we found each other through MySpace. We talked for a while, never actually seeing each other face to face, and she confessed that she loved me. Again, I was still young. Love meant nothing to me, however I was shocked to see her admit that. We stopped talking shortly after, for reasons still unknown to me. I'd talk to her from time to time but only for brief moments. I graduated high school, and went on to do nothing, as quickly as I could (humor might help break the tension a bit). About month ago, Ashley sent me a message on Facebook, saying that she was getting married and she would love for me to attend. I agreed of course. Before I get too far ahead of myself, I've been dating the a girl for roughly 2 years now. I fell in love with her instantly, and we've been happily together ever since. Ashley asked if it was Ok if she brought me an invitation to her wedding and I said yes. The same day she brought me the invitation, I spent the day with her and her fiance and her mother. I had a great time, but I had a feeling I couldn't quite explain at the time. I know now what it is, but I'll get to that later. Ashley and I continued spending time together for a few more days. One day, she sat me down and told me all of her feelings about her marriage, about me, about everything. She asked me if I wanted her to get married. I said yes. Her happiness was all that mattered, and she was happy. So of course, I was happy. The following day, she took me to a park, and talked with me again. Just a general conversation, and she kissed me. I don't need anyone saying it was wrong of her. This story is not an argument about morals. She apologized immediately after, and once again, confessed her love for me. I was astounded quite honestly. I had no idea what to do or say. So I told her it was ok, and left it at that. The following night, I sat up all night, smoking cigarette after cigarette, and I finally realized what I would've realized sooner. I loved her. I still do love her even as I typing this story. I had no idea how to grasp the situation so I, foolishly I might add, bottled up my emotions and told her to go through with the wedding as she had planned. She did so because she thought it was what I wanted. The following day at the reception, I spent all day sitting by myself, thinking. Which got me absolutely nowhere.

So here I am. Typing this long story that I'm almost positive not a single person took the time out of their busy days to read. Torn between a girl I don't love, and a girl I love. One of which I already have, and the other I couldn't have even if I wasn't being torn in two. I have terrible insomnia at night, and every day, all that is on my mind is Ashley. How bad I feel for not speaking up sooner. Now, as I type, it takes every ounce of my willpower to refrain from showing emotion... Then, when I'm positive the situation could not possibly get worse, Ashley is admitted to the hospital as a result of one of her chronic illnesses. Ill be spending every day with her, worrying, and thinking, and not knowing what to do. This entire story is probably missing some pretty important parts all over, but to be honest, with as much on my mind as their is, I'm surprised I've even managed to get this far without making absolutely no sense. This is my story. I would prefer no one use my age as an argument against me. I would also prefer no one use morals as an argument against me. My story is far from over, but as of right now, this is where it stops. If you've read this far, thank you.