I can't settle for a maybe

Brian

Well to start out, I'm 19 now and worked EMS and while I did I started to notice this girl more and more until the point we met up one night. When we met up everything had to be on the down low. But we sat and talked for hours upon hours laughing and having a good time. This girl was 20 years older than myself but age doesn't matter to me. So meeting up became pretty regular. Talking on the phone all the time texting, I was really starting to like her by now. We would drive out back roads and sit and talk and listen to the radio. When I'd look in her eyes I'd get lost and just the way she smiled, laughed, would tickle me and mess around I loved it. Being around her was starting to be a part of my routine. Now she had a "live in" but wasn't happy with him. She said I made her happy and this was a different kind of happy she felt safe with me and she could tell me anything and I would keep it secret. I kept wanting her to be with me and me only. I wanted her all to myself. To come home to her every night and cook her dinner and snuggle up on the couch with her and buy her everything she wanted.

At this time I was not making very much money and I would help her with the bills and was trying to help her get her house payment up to date while borrowing money from my parents. At this point I was falling head over heals in love with this girl. She had big curly brown hair, soft subtle face, big brown eyes, just the perfect girl! She couldn't decide who to pick weather it be me or her live in. Well he left her one night and I was there for her through it. But even after he left she still couldn't choose. She never did tell me she loved me although I had told her. My dad was skeptical and when he found out why I was borrowing all this money off of him he said I need to move back in with him along with some other things. So at 10 minutes till 8:00 on December 17th I was supposed to meet her after she got off of work. I sent her a text saying "you're better off with him I'm going into my hole" (my hole being a place where no one could get a hold of me) I left our meeting spot, when down to where I worked, quit my job, went to the place where I was living packed as much as I could get in my car and headed for my dad's. The whole way to my dads I was Across the yellow line doing 85 in my truck and not a single soul was on the road. Which pissed me off. Then I thought about running my truck off the road. I didn't know how to cope with this much hurt. From this point I proceeded to drink. From the time I woke up until the time I passed out from puking. Every day for 4 months. I changed my phone # deleted my face book, abandoned all my friends I had no ties to my former life.

I finally sobered up enough to go back to the place where I worked and gather some personal belongings. When I did Her friend told me that I was the only one she had ever loved and called her. Once I got on the phone with her we talked and were going to meet up. Then I asked her straight up if she loved me. She says maybe. The girl I loved with everything I had. I would have died for her in a heartbeat. She just didn't understand. My heart was cut out with a plastic knife and run over. Now I found another job around where I was previously at and see her a lot. My heart drops through my stomach and can't get her out of my head. I'm always wondering how she is and if she's okay and if she came up to me today and told me she loved me and Would never want another but me she'd have me. But I can't settle for a maybe....