So Much For My Happy Ending

AsIfItEvenMatters

As I sit here, I'm still in shock about everything. It's taking every ounce of strength out of me to type this, and talking about it will take a lot out of me emotionally.

First, I suppose I should tell a bit about myself. My name is Sabrina, and I am currently a freshman in high school, soon to be a sophomore. I love animals, art, and am a singer. I have long blonde hair and hazel eyes.

His name is Gary. He is a year above me, so he's going to be a junior. He is about the sweetest person I know. Everything about him makes me fall for him. His big brown eyes, his voice, his warm skin, even his scent. He's one of those remarkable people that love all, even those who bully him, just because he's a little different. I don't know for sure that he's on meds or has been diagnosed or anything, but I think he may be autistic. But it never mattered to me.

I guess it would have to start with the voice recital. I remember that day; December 8, 2011. I wore a beautiful white dress, and was told numerous times that I looked like an angel. Not the point. I sang the Christmas song "O Come Emmanuel." Afterwards, Gary came to me and told me what an amazing voice I had and that I was pretty. I said thank you, trying to be polite. But to be honest, I'd heard rumors about him that made me weary of being his friend. I'd heard from a lot of people how weird he was, and a friend of mine at that time told me that he had been suspended in middle school for touching a girl's breast. But I didn't want to be rude. He hadn't done anything to me.

When I got home, I saw that he had sent me a friend request on Facebook. I accepted it. Not two minutes later, he messages me and we start talking. It's just simple conversation, "Hi, how are you?" and whatnot. Gary and I continued to talk everyday at school until Christmas break. We still talked on Facebook over the break. I found I actually enjoyed talking to him. My friends even told me not to talk to him, but I secretly continued to. Until my friend Briana (the same one that told me about him being suspended) told me that Gary had been stalking her and saying things such as "Won't you give me a chance?" and other stuff trying to be romantic with her.

That actually freaked me out. I stopped responding to his messages on Facebook, I tried to avoid him at school. It wasn't long until I felt guilty. But by that point he had given up on talking to me. So for about two months, we just waved at each other in the hallways during passing period. It was during this time that I realized I loved him. Then on Valentines Day, I found out one of Briana's friends, Abbie, was planning to date him for a week, just for the heck of it (she actually hated him). It honestly made me so angry. Yes, I admit there was a bit of jealousy, but more than anything, I felt so bad. How could she hurt him like that? I wanted to tell him, but what chance would I have to? He probably wouldn't believe me anyway. So living with my own guilt, I let it go.

Gary and Abbie broke up (not that you could call it a real relationship). But this isn't when I cracked. It was a pep rally that confirmed my feelings. They called him down to announce something. He had spent all of summers 2010 and 2011 volunteering at the Salvation Army, helping kids. I realized then that he truly was a kind person. And it hurt me really bad when only a few people (out of about 2,000 kids) cheered for him. I cheered. Outside after school, I made sure to congratulate him. He said "thank you", and gave me one of his small hugs that may have been awkward, but were just him. I knew now. I loved him. At the least, I wanted him to know he had me to count on. I wanted to support him and be there for him, even as a friend. I knew I loved him as more than a friend, but I was afraid to fall in love. I was afraid of being hurt.

That night, I got on Facebook and sent Gary this message:
"I know this is going to seem really random, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I don't want you to take anybody's shit, because you're a very nice person and I think you're amazing. If ever need anything, I'm always here."

He responded, saying "Thank you, that was very sweet :-)"
I said "you're welcome, anytime." then he asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime the next day, and I said yes. I get lonely, considering I don't really have any close friends, other than Briana who had a tendency to ignore me. He was staying after school, and I was supposed to stay after for tutoring, which I skipped to hang out with him.

We just walked around for a while. But then I remember him constantly stopping to hug me, and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. He continued stopping to hug me every few seconds, and then he asked if he could kiss me. My anxiety got the best of me, and I said no. He then asked if I liked him. You know "like like." in my head I was saying yes, but I was scared. All I told him was that I was in shock. I didn't know what to do or say. It's like a thousand alarms were going off inside of me. He went on and on about how sorry he was. He began to get tears in his eyes, and my heart broke. I told him "it's okay, it's okay." numerous times, but for the most part we just sat there awkwardly looking at each other. But eventually I just explained to him that I was shocked and scared, I'd never had a boyfriend, and I didn't want to get hurt. And I remember his words "I wouldn't hurt you." It was soon 3:30, and my mom was picking me up. I told him I would talk to him on Facebook, and left.

I thought about him all spring break. I knew I had made a mistake. I was just afraid. I'd never had a boyfriend before, and had been hurt numerous times by friends. I didn't exactly have good luck with people. I thought things over, and I knew I had to make things right.

As soon as spring break was over, I stayed after school again. Gary was too. He once again said he was sorry about last time. We went inside the school, and sat down. He took my hand in his and said "So I think you do like me." All I could do is nod. His face lit up immediately and he put his arm around me.

I had my first kiss that day. I loved it. We stayed together for two hours, hugging and kissing. Then Gary got up and said now he was the one in shock. I was immediately worried. Did I do something? Was he having second thoughts? He said that I didn't do anything wrong, and that he needed time alone. I let him go and waited. He didn't come back. I was nervous now. Was he ditching me? Was I about to get my heart broken. I sort of knew then. I went looking for him and found him in a hallway.

He told me that he felt a definite connection between us, but that something didn't feel right. He said that he didn't think he was the right guy for me, and that there would be a lot of trouble with my friends, considering that they didn't like him. I wanted to protest, to say it didn't matter what they thought. But I knew that there was no point. I just walked away...again...

For the next two weeks, I was heartbroken. The school has this program where they take about 10 kids out to a farm to work with horses, and coincidentally Gary was in it as well as me. So now I had to look at him all the time, while he ignored me and talked to the others. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was cutting myself. I lost it a few times and cried at school. Gary didn't talk to me anymore.

Over the weekend, I messages him again on Facebook. I said I was sorry for everything and that I still wanted to be friends. He said I had nothing to be sorry for. I was relieved. The next week, on Tuesday, I was sitting down on a bench after tutoring, waiting for the bus. It was only 4:00, and the bus didn't get there until 4:45. So I put my headphones in and played my music. I saw a flash of movement behind me, and I turned to face none other than Gary. I just looked at him. He then said "So you don't have anything to do. Wanna hang out with me?" I just got up and followed him. He took me to a back staircase again. I immediately jumped into his arms. After hugging me and kissing me again, he asked if I was okay with this. All I could say was yes. Maybe I shouldn't have. But I loved him, and he came back. That made me too happy to ask questions.

The next day, I got yelled at by the office lady for skipping tutoring. I'm sensitive, and was crying. My friend Amber was there to comfort me. She and I became good friends after that day. But that's another subject. The same day, Gary messages me on Facebook, since he saw me run out into the hallway crying. I said I'd been yelled at by the office lady, and he said he was sorry, and that he wanted to hang out again the next day. And we did. As usual, we hugged and kissed for about 10 minutes before the late bus got there.

Between then and the end of the school year, we got together after school, usually a couple of times a week, depending on whether or not I was with Amber, who I'd become really close to, even though she was supposedly Briana's best friend. On the last week of school for us, Amber wasn't there (she left a week earlier than us, because she's a senior), I held hands with Gary almost all the way home on the bus. I loved it.

I've missed everybody so much over the summer. All I've been doing is sitting around, daydreaming about how awesome things will be when school starts back up. I'd been talking to Amber, and we were going to hang out. I found out we had a lot in common. She was an only child, but she was adopted at age 14 because her biological mother killed herself when Amber was 10. She was in foster care for 4 years.

Now I can't beat that, but I'm an only child as well, never really had many friends. We both have depression, anxiety, and possibly bipolar(I've been diagnosed, but she's just convinced she has it). At the beginning of June, something happened. Briana and Serenity (a couple of my friends, Briana also being Amber's friend) began treating me like a nuisance and apparently didn't really want to be around me anymore. I told Amber, and I wasn't expecting her to do this, but she Facebook messages Serenity and told her that if she didn't want to be my friend, to stop hurting me. So then Serenity wasn't my friend anymore, and soon after Briana also deleted me. Amber found out about this, and told Briana she didn't want to be friends with her anymore. So I lost both Serenity and Briana, and was honestly kind of happy, since they didn't treat me well. And then Amber said that even though her and I hadn't been talking all that long, she considered me a new best friend. I felt the same way.

The next day, I noticed Amber wasn't on Facebook. Then she wasn't on for another week. Then I found out from Serenity's sister Sakia (who's still my friend) that Briana had called Amber's mom and told all of Amber's secrets, like that she had dated, and that she had a facebook when she wasn't supposed to. So now Amber is grounded for good.

But back to the main story. Gary and I hadn't talked for a while, but we began talking on Facebook about the middle of June. We just simply exchanged greetings and whatnot, but no matter what talking to him always made me happy. A few weeks ago, he called me, and said the three words I've been longing to hear; "I love you." and I said I loved him too. Finally my life was complete. We told each other how we couldn't wait to see each other at school. I felt so much happiness. He was all I needed. But then yesterday, July 25, 2012, I got the text message that I think we're all afraid of- "We need to talk." I said okay. Then I got the text message that shattered my heart. "I don't love you like that. I love somebody else. Please forgive me, don't be upset. You're a great friend."

I was crushed. I was half expecting it to be some kind of joke. I couldn't believe it! It was as if my heart had been ripped out right at that moment. I literally dropped my can of mountain dew on the ground. He told me he loved me! He couldn't just take it back. Love somebody else? How long had that been going on?

I decided I was going to commit suicide. I looked up methods. This was the last straw. While reading those, it said that there really is no sure, painless way to go. I realized that, and calmed down a bit. But I still couldn't take it.

It's the next day. My stomach hurts. I can't eat. My chest hurts. It hurts to breathe, to walk. I just lay in bed. I told my mom I was sick (she doesn't know about Gary). But I still keep crying. I thought I could count on him. I love him with all my heart, and I don't see how any other girl could love him as much as I do. Maybe he doesn't deserve me , maybe I shouldn't even try to be friends with him. But I know I can't stand not having him in my life at all. I know you may be thinking "you're too young to know what real love is." but I love him. I shouldn't but I do, and I always will. Everything reminds me of him. I could imagine marrying him, and having kids with him, and growing old with him. There's a part of me hoping he'll come back like last time, but I know I shouldn't take him back. Even though I know I would because I love him that much and I'm stupid.
And I know he loved me too...I saw the way he looked at me. Everyone did, even though they didn't know we were together.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. My chest hurts so badly. I know that if I have to see him with another girl, it'll kill me. I feel used, too. Did he just do all that because he felt sorry for me? The whole thing is pretty fucked up. But I can't help forgiving him. I have no real friends now. I can't live with this anymore. I've been hurt by people many times, but none as bad as this. I can't keep going now.

I love you, Gary. Always have, always will. But I want you to be happy, even if it kills me.