Soulmates never die

ForeverAlone

I'm now a 16 years girl, who lives in a small town in a small country ..Being in a small town, it's worse than you people can imagine...This is a small story of my life...I was born on December after my two sisters,the fact that I was born a girl didn't liked to my family coz they wanted a boy,so when they see me they said : 'just like the others'(just like my sisters,a girl)...this fact made my life a hell..the fact that my family cried when I was born,made my heart broken and I always felt like I disappointed them for what I was...From this fact,when I was 10-14 years old I tried to be a boy by wearing my brother's clothes(the brother who was finally born)and have the behavior of a boy by doing rude things listening to rap like crazy (things that here in my town isn't normal for a girl)...So when I hang out with my friends(which all of them were boys)they always looked at me like I was a boy, so when I liked someone I had no chance on them coz I knew that they will never see me like a girlfriend...

While growing up I understood that being like a boy didn't change the fact that I was the one whom my family wanted to change, deep inside I still was a girl so I gave up on trying and more and more I was becoming a like a 'true girl'..Anyway before three years I knew my first love,the one that still have the power to make my heart beat so fast only when I see him even if I'm not with him anymore...he was on my school (not in my class),the first day I talked to him was like I found the one, I felt that I would fall in love with him, I knew that it wont last coz every one sooner or later get disappointed by me but I wanted to talk to him so bad...we talked like for hours in the internet and more I talked to him more I loved him...but I could not meet him coz people in the town judge a lot and here its like a unwritten rule that its a shame to be in a relationship before 18 years old or something like that.I remember the day when he told me that he loved me, I has so happy, it looked like a dream came true that someone finally loved me for what I am.. I said yes to him even if I knew that people would talk, even if I knew that if my family knew about that I would be dead...

In school we watched each other like all the time and when there were few people he always touched my hair,look to me deep in the eyes and said : your my cutie, I love you...and I stand there always speechless just smiling like a fool, smiling happily...But this lasted for few...I had his e-mail password and one day I opened his e-mails and saw that he was flirting with one of my neighbors...I don't remember how much I cried that day, I don't even know how many hours I stood with tears in my eyes but I knew that I felt so empty, so sad that I could feel my heart breaking in pieces...I had no power to do nothing...our relationship was over, maybe it was over because I had no chance on meeting(hanging out with) him because I felt so afraid what people would say, I was so afraid on disappointing again my family..I wished for a kiss that never came and now never will...

After some days that we broke up he send to me a msg, the most wonderful msg in my life...he said that he wanted me to know that I was the only girl he truly loved, the only one that made his heart beating for love, he told me that I would always be a part of his heart...but I didn't believe him, then it was too hard to believe...now I'm in high school and he is in my class, every morning when I see him my heart aches, it hurts, I swear it hurts so much watching him and not being watched back...I know that now he is in a relationship with another girl, he's happy, they love each other, I'm happy about him that he found a girl that he loves...but me, even after three years I love him more than every guy I met and when I talk to him even just a 'hi', my body shakes and I feel that strange ache on my heart.. but maybe it was my fault,maybe I didn't made him happy...at least I never made a person happy...never...

Now I cut myself not that I'm an Emo, but I cut myself to feel another type of ache, I cut myself thinking that I will only focus on the pain and forget about him, but its too hard, I see him sometimes in my dreams holding his hands and when I wake up I have the desire to talk with him just for some minutes, just to know that he didn't forget about me...and every night I fall asleep I pray to see him in my dreams because its the only place where he is mine...I'm still in love with you,but its not like you want me too...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0AUwKTD1is the song which remind me of him ( hush,dry your eyes...soul mate dry your eyes...coz soul mates never die)...:'(