It hurts...

Peacegirl :)

This year of school brought me something, that I'll never forget...a wonder full feeling that I want to hold in for ever. A boy came to our school, in the same type of class as me, but in the different grade. I'm in the 10th grade, and he's in the 9th grade. I fell in love with him, when we first talked, and the whole thing was so magical. I was blind of happiness when he gave me a hug, or when he kissed me on the cheek, or anything that he did and was sweet. I never felt something so strong like this, even I had some boyfriends before, the feeling was never this strong, and the whole world went in a pink bubble, and I just went crazy every time he went to me, or talked to me. Of course outside I looked cool, but inside I shouted of happiness. Everything went well, and we get closer like friends, and for me this was enough for the moment, and everything just went well, until I noticed something...he was staring at my best girlfriend, and he was smiling at her and talking to her, like he never did to me. It was fine for the moment, I didn't want to be paranoid, and it didn't make me worry, or anything. Till one Monday when my girlfriend came to me and said that we had to talk. And I asked her what she wanted to talk to me about and she said that he felt in love with her. And when she heard how happy I am for her she stared at me with tears in her eye, and asked me why am I so happy if I know, and how scared she is that this will affect our friendship, and that she didn't do anything, and she won't do anything, because our friendship is more important and she continued talking and talking, and when she finished she already cried, and I just smiled and smiled and hugged her, and I said: 'Nothing will affect our friendship, and if you like him, go on, I won't stop you, I'll just be happy if you and him get together, because I love you too, and I want you to be happy.' And I really wanted. I don't care if I won't be okay, I want them to be together with each other. When I came home I burst-ed into tears, and I ate as much chocolate as I could, but didn't help me. It really hurts, but I can't blame anyone for this. No one is guilty, and no one should feel sorry about their feelings. I don't feel sorry. It was the most beautiful period of my life, and I'm happy that he and I are still friends...and that I can see him each day, and talk with him whenever I want. I just hate the feeling I have. I just hate that I can love. I don't want to. I don't want to love anyone, because when I care of people I care about their feelings, and I want them to be happy, not me. But if I'm in a such situation, why does it hurts? Why does it hurts so much and so cruel? How could I face them and act happy when we're all together...How could I just turn off my feelings...I really want to kill them, and I really want to escape from this situation...