Trying to fight

Claire B

My story starts in 7th grade, even though I'm only in 8th, a lot has happened since then. I'm Claire by the way. 13 years old. don't read this if you judge but ok yeah anyways.

The first day I walked into a public school I was like "fuck yeah it's middle school yayy" but really no. It was hell, pure hell. I got called fat by 2 eighth graders and oh it gets better because that's the first week only. After three weeks I was getting called names by a lot of people I didn't even know... one of the eighth grade popular girls walked by me with all her friends and said "oh this one's really ugly." I looked at them and said "what?" and they said " oh and she's a dumb ass too! How nice, see you late caterpillar eyebrows" and I just ran in to the bathroom and started crying. That's when I started cutting . I had cut before but only once that was because I was getting made fun of in 6th grade. But anyways I hid it from my parents. How could I tell them that their precious little princess came home crying every single day? How could I l tell them that I was cutting myself with a razor blade and a kitchen knife.

It was getting bad. started wearing long sleeves all the time, at home and at school until one day after me and my parents got in to a huge fight and my dad hit me and I locked myself in the bathroom. Grabbed any sharp thing I could find and so I cut myself really bad I did it 3 times across my right arm. my mom knocked on the door and I didn't want her to think anything was wrong so I just let her in and I hid my right hand behind my back and she got really curious so she asked why I had my arm behind my back and I responded with "because I fucking want to" and then she's like "let me see " and I said "no fuck off" then she grabbed my arm and yanked it in front of me. I winced as she grabbed on one of the parts where I cut myself.

She first got mad at me. she called me sick, crazy, and asked how could I do that to myself and all that. After 2 days she finally was able to except it, my dad? not so much. All he cared about was how I could get a job with scars like that. 2 weeks later after my parents finally were able to calm down I still was getting bullied. That's when things got really bad
after about 2 and a half months of being in school my life changed in to a living hell. One time when I was in PE there was this kid that asked me out and he was in eighth grade and just because I said no he got really mad and started acting like an ass and he was in my PE class so it was fantastic. We were playing field hockey and while I was running he trips me with his stick then laughs. he's like "take that you fucking bitch" trying to hide my tears I got up tried cussing him out then he punted the ball right in to my shin. I just ran in to the PE locker room and stood there until it was time to change. Some of the popular girls were in my pe period so when I was changing one girl walked by me and snapped my bra on my back and laughed. I just got changed then ran out of that place. I only had a couple friends. They weren't the best out there because my best friend was kind of out of control with boys. But I didn't do anything people just assumed I did so she dragged me down along with her. so I got called a slut a lot . people just walked by me and said ""haha hey slut" and then whisper and laugh at my behind my back.

That's when I finally told my mom what I was going through and she actually was very comforting about it.
Finally it was spring break, I was so happy! Finally I could get away from all the shit Happening at school. But I should have said that. On a hike with 2 guides and I hate walks so I walked in front of everyone. there was the guide with me the second one was with my family. at first we were just talking about nature then he told me how old he was then asked me how old I was I just said "13" I mean he's just my walking guide. Then things got really weird. I started getting scared. When he saw a butterfly instead of pointing me to it he put his arm around me and held my hand and pointed my finger to it. that's when I started having my feelers up. I knew something was wrong. Why would he be doing this. I thought maybe they are more friendly in Nicaragua . so I just kept my distance as we walking and kind of walked slowly so my family could catch up . I saw a monkey so I tried taking a picture of it. all of a sudden I felt rough hands massaging my shoulders. I went cold. I started really freaking out and he started massaging around my neck . that's when my eyes teared. I kept on wondering what he was gonna do to me or if he would kill me or rape me or something . He started going underneath my clothes and I went stiff. I was scared if I ran he would hurt me. and I was scared if I screamed he would kill me. so I just let him, he continued down lower and started kissing my neck. I will never forget that feeling of his rough hands on my skin. I felt paralyzed . I felt like there was nothing I could do about it. He was unbuttoning my shorts when he heard my little brothers laugh so he jerked his hands off of me. I felt dizzy. scared. like I was going to die. When my mom came up he pretended he was showing me different flowers and he gave me that look to while the tears off my face. so I did. by the time my parents appeared I smiled and looked at them, they asked why I was crying and the Guide answered that I could have allergies. he was 27 and I was 13. I will never forget that. his cold eyes, his sick mind. He enjoyed when I stayed still because he knew that I know he was stronger then me. I didn't tell my parents until a while later.

When I got back to school there was a rumor spread about me that I had sex with some boy named Nathan, and I didn't even know who he was so every time I walked by the popular kids they would yell out slut or laugh at me or some shit like that. After two weeks of consecutive bullying and being called fat I tried cutting myself, making my self throw up. But I felt like nothing was working. So I did what I thought was the best option. One day my mom was downstairs and I was watching Tv. so I went in cabinets looking for pills. I took 8 Tylenols but that wasn't enough and my mom noticed an empty box so she slept with me that night to make sure I was ok. The next morning when she was downstairs I ran in to her room and took 9 gigantic NyQuil pill things that my dad uses to sleep on airplanes. I was about to take them all plus the extra 5 Tylenols until my mom suddenly opened the door and was going to tell me that breakfast was ready. Then she looked at me then saw all the pills and then after crying and after hugging she drove me to a mental hospital when I stayed there for a week for kids that want to kill themselves .

That's when I told her that I was molested. She burst in to tears and cried so hard I've never seen her cry that hard. She apologized multiple times then said she was going to report it. I had the guilt of living if I only cause people judgement and sadness. When I told my dad he didn't believe me. It took him 2 months to finally trust me. After I got out of the hospital things didn't get any better. But I didn't want to go back there so I just plastered my fake smile on and always pretended I was ok.

Now I'm in eighth grade and I transferred because I couldn't handle all of the bullying in my other school. I don't fit in my new school which sucks. I can't wait till high school. For those who get bullied or cyber bullied or feel suicidal please kik me claire760 I'm here for all of you:")