We both were selfish ...

Sarah

I used to think about you for 2 years since I saw you for the first time. You were always there, staring at me & have special behavior; and it made my friends derided you & think about that what is wrong with you. Were you really in love with me????? My friends thought so. Every where in our school was a debate about you & I ; because you were very special. But I just thought, How can you love me when I'm a religious person & you don’t seem so ; and also I had no wonderful beauty &attract ? …..

We never talked or contacted since the first for 3 month. The day after “new year’s holidays” at school, suddenly 2 of my friends came to me and called me with excited voice. I asked them what is wrong and they conducted me by themselves. When we reached, I looked around and found YOU there! You became more striking and had a RING on your finger!!!!! I was shocked. At the first moment, I just told my friends that “ it doesn't belong to me; “P” never loved me, and it was just a big misconception. “ to make them go. And then, when I was thinking with myself about what I saw, I found my other friends talking about u & cheating on me. I didn't think so, but I had some feelings like that. I was confused and couldn't realize why your are acting so. If you never loved me what was that behavior? And if you were in love, who is the girl that you want to marry her???

Your gf was not there that day, but after some, I saw her with you you and realized that she isn't from our school; but, WHY?? It was my question for ever….
You changed your behavior with me after that day and it made me more confused…. In this 2 years I thought about you ; and one day (16.12.2011) my fortitude ended! I decided to call you and ask what we wanted to know. I WAS JUST INQUIRING, NOT ANYTHING MORE! I didn't want you to know that its me, so I delegate this to an outdoor girl. She called you and became sure that this number is yours yet. After 2 days, on some reasons, you were shunted to myself, unpredictably! I was surprised and didn’t know how to talk &what to say. Anyway, we started the conversation and you insisted on knowing my name. When I told you with some indications, YOU were shocked! You impulsively told that you were thinking about me in this 2 years & always wished to have someone like me to marry and share your life with, till the end. I was surprised and asked for your gf, who I thought that you were married & maybe have a child! You answered that you'd broken up in exactly those days. Everything was giving me shocks! WHY? “I loved her so much, but we couldn't continue anymore” you said. You asked me for marriage in that first conversation and I didn't know what to say, I never thought about these moments. I was thinking about you & how to live with you & if it can be possible or not; then you told me “if you want to be mine, you should come to my home to have sex” I was shocked for umpteenth frequency. I never guessed that you are so. You said: “I want to find a true love for my whole life and if you do that for me, I promise you to stay yours for ever.” I rejected your suggestion but after seeing you insisting on your request, and because I didn't want to lose you after 2 years in wrench, I finally accepted in 21.12.2011 ; but I really didn't know what I'm doing...

I was at our position before the time, and when you reached, I saw you with my entire existence. I reviewed all our memories during 2 seconds. When you removed your sunglasses from your eyes & smiled at me, I really relived…I was in a bad depression mood for some years and you with that nice gaze, cheered me!
You get me to your home and we had fun & indescribable times! After 2 hours I realized that I'm getting delay so asked you to shepherd me. You detained me for some minutes to do again, and then we moved. But, in the way, you had a call from your dad. You were made to leave me and go to your dad’s house. You –seemingly- were ashamed to be forced to go and when you stopped for my dismount, you asked me to keep on the relationship. I was so happy because I was attained you & I thought we’ll be together for ever….
I took a taxi for a while, then I preferred to walk. I was thinking about my past. I was so religious & I was reputed to be so; but now, I'm a SINNER. I had sex & I want to continue the relation. I had really guilt and I was blaming myself for treading so. I didn't have any way but repent & talking with you. I sent a message to you asking to call me whenever you had time. But you never answered & never called me during several days. I was so anxious and I wanted to kill myself because of doing a sin on a liar guy. I called you & sent you many messages but NO ANSWER. I texted that you are twister. You promised me to stay. You wanted me to continue and now you are silent. Just tell a word. Let me be calm. You cant leave so easily….

And no reply again….I was becoming crestfallen of your coming back, till after a while, 1 night u texted me & made some derisory excuses. I found that you aren't in love with me in anyway. But I kept on going; because I “had to”…. You continued being with me just by few messages but after a while we started a real dating. We fell in love!! We had great times with each other. We were on the phone all the night, sharing our feelings, laughing or tearing. Oh, he was so sweet to me…I recently learned the exact meaning of love. I became happy & sanguine and “YOU” made me so; even though you didn't believe… Everything was going so great till the hell days started… You were so kind & a real lover for me and also so jealous & skeptical. You left me because of so worthless & baseless reasons. YOU never believed me & my honest love. You suddenly broke up after 2 month because of no reason! I told you that I loved you and never cheated on u, but u didn't believe. I was so upset. I couldn't do anything because u turned your cell phone off! I could just cry & cry & cry & cutting myself & pray for your return…. I spent all my feelings, all my love, all my time and all my property on u; and, u, … ! Is this the meaning of “your special love”? Wasn't I great for u? Wasn't I enough? What do u want from your life partner? What could I do & never did? Were u scared about my unlimited love? What is your logical reason for the jilt? I was getting really crazy! Answer me! Don’t be silent! Just a word! Plz! My darling…..

I became so ill after breaking up. I only could madly cry & I had no control over it. In my room, at school, in the way, at night, and every moment I could! I couldn't stop…After 1 month & 28 days, I had a call from u, and no answer. U sent me several messages and then called me again. I replied, because I couldn't be so bad as u. U wanted me to forgive u. U were in a horrible situation and thought its because of me & my damnation. I told u that I couldn't. I was uncontrollably crying and complaining you but you couldn't understand me yet! U couldn't realize my feeling for being 2 month in lack of u. U insisted so much but I didn't forgive u. Though, I helped u to go out from your insurmountable problem, with no condescension!

U decided to stay with me & not leaving again; however u didn't love me yet! But u were sure that u wouldn't find anyone better & more enthusiastic than me. We started dating again, but it was my turn to become cold. After a while, on the suggestion of my friends, I decided to break up forever but you didn't accept & swore to stay and keep on dating. I didn't want it. I told u that I'm stale of your behavior and I want to cut the relationship (however it wasn't what my heart want). U didn't accept again but after 1 month struggling, u called me & told that u want to end the date and just be friends or something less than this!! U made me shocked typically! U wanted to show you're self a selfless person who “likes” me (offcourse not love!) and wants to see my happiness. U asked me if I had any questions on this last conversation but I didn't know what to say. I asked just 1 ”WHY” & u replied: “ I couldn't help u be happy & bliss. U'll find better cases. I really like “u” and “staying with u” but I cant. I have to go. Just forgive me & pray for me.” I asked “how can u let your self go? Weren't u a lover since 2 years ago?” U said: “NO!!! I loved you but not since 2 years ago! I never thought about you in anyway! I had someone for myself! I was interested in u, but not anything more! Not love! Not date! Not live! Nothing! ….” I said incredulously: “but u, your self, told me so! Did u lie???” U denied that sentences and insisted on your new lie! I was tearing smoothly so u couldn't realize. I wanted to tell u how much I want you & how much I'll miss u but I couldn't and you also didn't want heartily to end the call & the relationship. So u asked me with a special voice mood: ”it means that we will never see each other & never have a talk, for ever???” I just replied: “it seems so!”On that conversation, we had silences more than speech because both of us were waiting for the other to say: “ I love u. Plz don’t leave me!” but no one said; because WE BOTH WERE SELFISH….

U went & left no sign for me to find u. That night, you swore that 1 day you'll come back to me but I told u that I'll change my number because I didn't want to see my bad memories are repeating sadly… but now, I have that number yet! In hope of your return. However I'm really cold &loveless. I'm waiting for u to come back and answer my questions. WHY????? Thousands of whys are un-answered in my mind. Where are u now? Could u plz come back & rescue me from my confusing situation? I'm getting mad. Everything make me remember you & your memory. I hate this life, without u….I'd chosen u between a world and I trusted u and gave u my heart – no, my whole life, I sinned on u, I lost my everything on u…Now, I don’t know the meaning of love, life, happiness, smile, hope, wish, tomorrow, healthiness, and every positive word! And also the meaning of “positive”! Do u know them?! So tell me! Teach me! Enlighten me! Give me life again, my savior!....

Oh, what I'm saying?? U can never read this. U can never come back. U can never be mine…. So, leave me again and plz forget about me. May God forgive & help u! I hope!!!

p.s. : I wrote this, in June 2012; When we were recently broke up. Up to now, he called & texted me several times but I didn't answered. I killed him in my heart. I want to live my life; but nowadays I feel that I deeply miss him. I can never love anyone else. I had many cases but I didn't accept because I can't share my heart with anyone else. I'm so cold, depressed & hopeless. I have so many pains &problems and I'm suffering badly. My bf changed my life to a better style, but now I'm worse without him. I'm really alone now, but my haughtiness don’t let me to come back & start a new failure era.
I cant understand why boys are so flexible to change their feelings and they can never have a fixed & eternally sense. Sometime love and sometime hate somebody… And my ex, … He sometime loved and sometime liked me; and now, perhaps nothing!! Oh, nowadays I think that maybe he never loved me and all the story was a fond fancy and just an appalling lie & deceit…Perhaps hes with someone else now. Its so painful for me because I wasn't shoddy for him. I did everything I could to keep him glad, but now, he, …Who can fill my place for him? How can he go on???? It ails me.....