My Best Friend, The Blade

Jenna

This is going to sound so cheesy and I don't really know how to explain it so I guess I will say it...I just feel so empty and lost inside myself and I don't know why. I mean I have a great group of friends and a family who loves me and I know that some people don't even have that but I don't know why I still feel so empty and alone. It started when I started to self-harm (which I have stopped) and like any other person I thought I could trust my best friend so I told her the truth and it felt good to finally tell someone and get it off my chest, but months later I found that you cannot always trust the people you love.

My so-called Best Friend had betrayed me and had told someone else my secret, but not just anyone, she told a teacher, the one teacher I disliked the most, and soon the word got around and the school nurse found out so did the principal and soon enough I was seeing a counselor every Friday about my 'problems'. Of course I told her nothing was wrong, I felt like it was none of her business. The one thing that I dreaded the most was my parents finding out but the counselor told me I had the choice of it being private, but little did I know that my 'best friend' had told her mother as well who then felt the need to tell my mother of my 'habit'.

For months I lied and I lied and I lied to keep everything quiet and for months I cried myself to sleep every night dreading the next day because of my fear that my secret would come floating to the surface and everyone would learn the truth about me. I loved going to sleep at night because I knew that for eight hours I would be happy and that nothing would matter and that nothing could hurt me. I hated waking up because when I did all the emotion and stress and anxiety from the last few months came rushing back to me all at once and at times it became too much and I needed the comfort of my old friend and the feeling it brought to me when I saw the blood break through my skin and slowly drip its way down my wrist, foot, thigh or stomach.

Eventually I had told enough lies for people to believe me and I no longer needed see the counselor and I no longer hurt myself. All of this did come with a price I lost my friend because after she hurt me that way I couldn't bring myself to forgive her, I lost a lot of my trust and I lost a lot of time where I could have been spending time having fun. I also gained some things from my experience, new friends, new lessons and new scars.

I do regret doing it but also in a way I don't because it helped me become who I am now and also it showed me who my real friends are, the ones that cared enough to help me and to listen to me when I needed someone to talk to and who stayed by my side through it all.