Make it stop
puresage29
03 Nov, 2012 09:51 AM
I am no stranger to pain. It's an endless struggle, like walking on an endless path with no known destination. I used to be optimistic. I used to always love myself and all of the people important to me. But...
5 years ago a great evil ruined my life. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. It doesn't matter how optimistic I want to be or how much I want to just enjoy my day and be with my friends or family. Depression, caused by a chemical imbalance took hold of me. It all started on my 18th birthday. My mother set up a party at a Japanese hibachi grill: my favorite restaurant. Not only that, but I was surprised by five of my best friends! They were there waiting for me! I was having the best time of my life!
And then I was sad. I don't know why I was sad, but I was sad. I was confused beyond belief. How am I sad when all of my friends are here celebrating with me?! The sadness felt like the result of one of my family members dying. But everything is perfect! Why?!
My life was ruined. It was like someone was and is playing a sick joke on me. I was sent to multiple psychiatrist, and tried over 13 antidepressants. The side effects were hell. The withdrawals after coming off of the antidepressants were hell. One of them that I started about 4 years ago was a drug called Lamictal. It seemed to make my life better at first, but after a year it stopped working. I decided to get off of it, but every time I tried I became irritable and stupid. Literally stupid. Cognitive damage that may take many years to heal. If it does. Doctors say that it will. I asked them for proof. A case where it has. Nothing. I'm stuck, addicted to a drug that the only reason I am taking is to prevent its sinister withdrawal symptoms. All this crap on top of my depression caused by my depression.
I have no idea what to do. No one does. I have no one to relate to, which has caused the worst definition of loneliness imaginable. I want to die. I want to end this. But I can't because I have a loving family and friends. So why am I sad??? Why make a happy individual who wants to help the world mind numbingly for no reason? I only want to make the world a happier place. So why am I being punished for it???
I'm tired of this. I'm so very tired. Somebody please save me.
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Comments
Post a Comment31 Jan, 2013 05:08 AM
Dear presage 29,
I understand how you feel - I get very sad sometimes too for absolutely no reason or worse I start to think of what it'd be like to be a sick kid in a hospital staring at the same walls and tv.... Or an old lady who looks back at her life and realizes all of her chances and all of her moments they are lost. Forever. We all go down into an abyss someday... These thoughts make me feel hurried they make me feel like I'm at the surface somewhere half gargling half breathing. I'm sorry you're on horrible antidepressants - it sounds bad - I honestly think the western world must be suffering from a subconscious guilt of exploitation and consumerism - also we are taught too much about focusing on our individual selves which gives us the message that we are indeed alone if we are so unique. Sometimes I love the world on a foggy evening and then when I come home I have unfathomable hate for my own mother. Nothing ever makes sense in this life the confusion is endless and maybe us hopelessly depressed dopes can someday learn to laugh at it all like the normal people.
08 Feb, 2013 06:35 AM
Think of someone you love, when you get sad think of that person.
Think of everything you've done with him/her and use that as a excuse
to get up in the morning. Think if I get sad I'll make other people sad
Hope this helps! And best of luck hope you get better!
~Delaney
21 Feb, 2013 04:38 PM
hey, I mean.. This is really frusturating. I feel this way sometimes. People bully me and I have ADHD. But being addictid to this thing that the stupid docters gave you? That's just not right. What if they slowly ease you off the pill by, like, replacing part of what you take by something else until you are taking something tottally new and they can take you off there. It's worth a try... Don't worry. I will pray for you.