Why have I always been alone?

S...

I haven't. In fact, I was never meant to be alone, but that changed when I was too young to remember. I lost my twin when I was about one year old. But I didn't know it. So this is how I was until a year or so ago: I developed a huge fear of losing a loved one, even though I wasn't aware of having ever lost anyone. that caused my OCD. So with those recurring anxieties, I was stressed, tired and afraid and always alone, even when I was with others. I was making it by, like other OCD sufferers, when I learned that I had lost my twin sister at a very early age. I overheard it, and after some dis belief, and digging around through my parents things, I found a few photos. I was forced to face my dead sister.

That day I became an insomniac. since I've been tired and lost, stressed and anxious, more afraid than ever. I have never talked to my parents, and I know I never will. They blame me - I think... they have never said, because they never told me I had a twin sister, but they have never seemed to love me as much as they love my other sister, who was born a few years after me, and my twin. They often seem to see more faults in me than most parents, who only ever see the good of their children. My parents always see what I could be, and should be doing better. Maybe they blame me for being alive, when my sister died. This is the one thing that seems to explain everything - my loneliness, my anxieties, the OCD, my parent's coldness, and distance. The question that I have been asking myself during my sleepless nights, and the answer that has been echoed back in the remaining nightmare infused, drug induced slumbers. Will I ever get over this, will it leave me, and will I not be afraid again? No (in the form of the night terrors that persist when I take narcotics to counter my insomnia.)

Insomnia itself is terrible. I get so tired but I cannot sleep, so i take narcotics, that trap me in nightmares about dying babies, and dead sisters, when I awake, I swear that I won't take the drugs again, but eventually give in to the temptation of sleep. Knowing what caused it... a thousand times worse. I'll never leave this. Would I have rather not known? yes, but its too late. Im never having children now. I'm too scared to be anything but alone for the rest of my life...