Specialist

Evan

I met her exactly 2 and a half years ago. I was going through a rough time. I was addicted to drugs and on top of that I was drinking heavily. I met this girl, we talked once in a while. I didn't pay much attention to her till we talked a lot more often. Something made me smile, she never judged me in any way. I remember her and I just started to talk about each others problems in everyday life. She seemed to care for me when I vented to her. I started to smile whenever I caught myself thinking about her. We started sending texts to each other more often. Although on my own time I was having more problems happening around me due to my addictions. I couldn't handle it anymore. During the time she moved to her dads which was down in the states. (I lived in Canada)

I had to focus on fixing myself first. Her and I didn't text as often, by then I checked myself into detox and a rehab program which was residential. I started to sober up and my self esteem was getting a lot better. A couple months went by and I decided to send an e mail to her because we weren't allowed to have cellphones. The week after I had received from her saying how much she missed me. I've never felt so happy before to hear from her. This long distance was killing me, but I survived. The e-mails started to get longer and longer. I remember the night she brought up how she wanted me to ask "the question". No hesitation and it was cheesy because I did it on the spot. We were video chatting every weekends. Even though this long distance relationship was new to me, I was still happy as ever. I've never had someone like this in my life, she made me feel so comfortable with myself, like I could say anything and everything and she would support me. I would return the favor to her by being understanding, supportive and compromising whenever we had conflicts. We would try to talk to each over every time I had weekend visits with my mother. We would sleep on the phone or send texts all night.

Two months after I moved back into my mothers and had told her. She was very excited. All we did was text 24/7. We would have conflicts once in a while, just minor stuff. Then one night I went and hung out with some old friends (people who are trying to be sober can't really hang out with people who use drugs and alcohol) I relapsed again, I was able to hide it for a while till I got caught and sent to a homeless shelter. When I told her about it she was hurt. This was my own fault, She was still by my side and it made me happy. It took me a while to get back up on my feet. Rehab again. Instead of handing my cellphone in I kept it on me so I could talk to my girlfriend. I haven't gotten caught with it through out the whole visit. This time I was sure to stay sober. She told me that I could talk to her about my cravings and things.

We fell hard for each other. I remember she would call me baby, that felt so good to hear. As time went by her and I still had the occasional arguments couples have. Either of us weren't mad at each other for very long. I was able to keep my sobriety and even got a job as a cashier. My girlfriend missed me so much at times because I was going to school and working part time. I finally saved enough money to go see her. She managed to go stay at a friends place so I wouldn't have to pay for a hotel. We talked on the phone during flight stops and I have never felt so content.

Finally, I'm around. She gave me so many kisses and I held her for a few hours. During the visit I asked the big question when her and I were alone. "Will you marry me?". She had a big smile on her face, the term "ear to ear" would be more like it. She made me feel like the top of the world. I remember I would kiss her ring finger a lot. She would giggle and give me hugs, we wouldn't leave the sight of each other. Then the end of the two week visit came. I had to go back home, go back to work. We weren't looking forward to it, we had to bus it back to the airport. I held her before I went to go check in, I haven't cried for years until that day. I could tell she held her tears back, she told me "please don't cry". I couldn't help it. Our last kiss and hug then I had to go onto the plane back to Canada.

I felt so empty during the whole plane ride. I kept thinking about how much I miss her already. She made me feel so complete. She was my specialist. She's been so strong when I felt down and under the weather. I finally got home, still feeling empty. I talked to her on the phone and she was so sad. The next day or so I had to carry on with going back to school. I didn't go back to work because I felt so lost and couldn't maintain anything. After a while I stopped going to school but still talking to my fiance, she felt like she was "lost". She stopped taking medication and had gotten kicked out to go live with her grandparents. She settled in and I could tell her self esteem was low. The month after the visit, she wouldn't tell me that she loved me. She would talk less to me. My own fiance wouldn't even tell me that she loved me. My heart ached, my heart sank so low. The love of my life doesn't want to be my fiance anymore. I had received a text; "I wish you didn't love me anymore". My heartache hurt so much. "This was it" I said. My depression came back. I learned that I couldn't trust anyone. She broke her promise. Every night I kept saying to myself, I'm done, I'm gonna commit suicide. I barely slept and kept checking my phone for messages to see if she sent me anything. Nothing, not even a sorry or anything. A few hours later I grabbed a bunch of iron medication. I swallowed at least 30 of them. My mom could hear me vomiting and immediately called 911. I remember waking up and her crying by the hospital bed. She told me to move out. She had suggested that I go to an intensive care unit for suicidal and unstable people. I did go, the first night I had received a text. "I'm so sorry for breaking up for this engagement I was in a mess". She broke up the engagement because she wasn't taking her medication. She told me in an e mail she sent me a long time ago. I still have a heart ache whenever I think about it.