Going,Going..Gone

goingsoon

Well I guess it all started off last year when my friend committed suicide. No one knew why and I blame myself completely as her best friend, I should have noticed but I didn't.

Soon after my parents got divorced. For years the only thing I'd asked them is "will you ever get divorced" because I couldn't bear the thought of losing a family life and they always said "no" but I realize now that the answer was yes, they were just waiting until I was older. People say the older you are the more it affects you because you get so used to living as 1 family in that lifestyle. My mum says that they didn't divorce earlier because they thought it would hurt us more (us being my brother and I). My mum was wrong.

I don't love my parents for the way they treat me, as a start my dad says I shouldn't be in this world. I hate him so much and my mum is somewhat similar. Somehow I can sense it hurts my brother although he says it doesn't. I wish he'd just admit it. They say it hits some people later though and so I guess it will hit him later. I also wish I’d developed a better relationship with him in the first place. We are never mean to each other and we love each other we just never talk. And I so need someone to talk to.

I have no one to talk to about it, I don’t want to talk to my parents for obvious reasons such as they won’t listen but I can’t talk to a friend because they wouldn't understand and I don’t have the courage to talk to a helpline or a school councellor as I can only express my feelings in words. I get bullied at school and I don't even know why. There’s nowhere I’m safe and I can't and therefore don't trust anyone. I have no where I’m safe. Nowhere to be free. I’m so ugly as well and no guys like me at school, everyone has a guy but I don’t. I wish I could have someone to trust.

I cut nearly every night now and I have attempted suicide once before. I think about suicide every night and I just don't know how much longer I can stand this, how much longer I can go on pretending I’m happy, how much longer I can take this and how much longer I can live.
If this is my note then so be it. I hate you mum and dad and I don’t know why you never cared, you haven’t been there when I needed you the most and I’m sorry but I can’t take it anymore.