Trying

Logan

I'm hurt.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm frustrated.
I'm distressed.
Unlike a lot of people, I have some friends that love and care about me and I have a somewhat amazing family. I guess the reason I feel like this is that its not enough for me. I have 2 TRUE friends that I know care about me and would be there for me if I really needed them. Is that enough? It could be. I have an amazing mom, who gives the most amazing hugs. Two brothers and a sister, who love me even if they don't show it.

The reason that I am now 4 hours away from my favorite people is because of the stupid teenage drama, my stupid father and stupid liars. Drama is the friends who pretend to like you because you have a license. Drama is when people start fights over things that don't matter. Drama is your friends getting pregnant. Drama is break ups. Drama is cheating boys. Drama is lying boys. Drama is stupid. In the past 5 months, all I wanted was for a guy to notice me for something other than my boobs or body, and one does. What do I do? I push him away because I thought that it wasn't what I wanted. Now in that 5 months I slept with many guys, because I wanted to feel the love all my friends had with their boyfriends. I WAS THE ONLY SINGLE ONE. I thought I was okay with it, but I wasn't.

My father. He had a heart attack last year. Seven days before my 17th birthday. He hated me after that. He quit smoking and caffeine. He truly took out his anger on me. We fought all the time, even before the attack. I can't remember a Christmas that we liked each other. Maybe this one he will. Now that I have moved away he succumbs to my every need. Maybe trying to get back lost time. I still hold a grudge over his slapping, yelling, name calling and crude comments. I'm a teenage girl. You can't call me a slut and kick me out or say I'm a bitch and shake me till I cry without me holding this over you. What did I do to deserve it? I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I stood up for myself and was stubborn. He didn't like that.

I fell for a guy. He turns 21 today. I like him a lot. He told me he liked me on my birthday which was a month ago, when my depressing thoughts started. He told me I was his girl. This has happened on and off for a while now. He told me he missed me, he told me he cared about me too much to let me go and that I was his rock and we'd figure things out when I got home again. What happened to that? Oh yeah, he's now in a relationship with another girl. He used me. I feel used. I feel betrayed. Sad fact: I still wish I was here. I'm not relationship material. I like sports. I like being outside. I like being an idiot. I like drinking casually. I like trucks. I looooove camping.
I love all the things a girl shouldn't love. But I do. So why do my best girls get guys and their the same as me and I'm all alone. What is wrong with me?

Why can't I be accepted?
Why am I rejected?
I feel fat.
I feel tired.
I now have insomnia.
I have been sick.
I'm sick of myself.
I want my moms hugs.
I want things to change.
I can't take things anymore.
I feel alone.
I feel like no one cares or notices.
I want to be able to not give a shit like I could in the summer.
Am I depressed?
I'm TRYING to fix myself. But how?