Realistic fantasy

Perlitha Azucena Torres Martin

A life that seems to only be a dream. Life, family, friends, everything so distant as if it was never there. Pretending to be happy, to be sad, to be angry, What are real emotions? How will I know when it's real? Is everything real at all? I don't know anymore, there's nothing to know in the first place. Everyone is laughing, joking, crying, and I'm there with them, but without feeling a thing, it doesn't seem real, at least not to me, they don't know what is in my head or they just ignore it, who would care anyway it's not like I'm really that important.

Mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends.... there so easy to forget, so easy to fade from existence. Everyone says that the eyes are like a portal to the soul, but that is a complete lie, no one knows my real soul nor they try to know it but how can they? I'm hiding everything beneath a world made of paper, of fragile paper that no one can break, they don't know it's paper.

I'm 16 years old, I've been living in this little world of mine since I remember, but these last few days (maybe months) I've been having more weird thoughts and I think that after all my little life I'm finally confusing my reality. To tell the truth I don't know why I started to hide behind a mask, I didn't ask for it, I have a loving family, with sins and faults, great friends, everything is fine, except me, I feel trapped or maybe I don't feel any of that, maybe it's just another part of my brain reacting, maybe there was nothing to begin with. It could be the beginning of nothing, of everything, does it matter if you can't love? I know I'm not devoid of emotions but they are so hard to feel, even if I cry I just feel numb, like someone else took my pain, my sadness, my life, who am I living for?

So alone, so cold, so dark in a place no one can reach, so far away from understanding, do YOU understand? there's no time in this lonely room, no light no walls, it looks just like a bottomless abyss, but I can't fall because I'm already at the bottom. I'm sure that when I was kid I had something in me that made me enjoy the little things of life, I'm sure that in one point I didn't have to pretend. It's real but it's not at the same time, I can't explain what I don't know, what I can't feel.