Forever on my mind

Catherine

Hi, I'm Catherine and my story is about my ex and friend. So two years ago, I was new at a public middle school and I was going into 7th grade. This was the happiest year of my life so far even though I'm currently a freshman in high school right now. But that's not what this is about.

So I met my first love and his name was Simon. I had the happiest times with him and he smashed my heart into millions of pieces when he dumped me. It took me a while but I got over him even though he is currently my best friend. A few months after my breakup with him, I met his friend, John, who was very sweet but a bit of a loose cannon and socially awkward to a lot of people. I kind of thought I liked John since he wasn't all that bad looking and incredibly smart and sweet. John ended up asking me out on our field trip and I said yes. I remember that day like it was only yesterday.

Unfortunately, I did the worst thing to him which was break up with him after a few days. I found him a bit too clingy and people were talking about us too much for me to handle. I felt awful after that. Luckily, we were able to stay friends even though we didn't talk too much after that. That summer after 7th grade I found out I was moving to Turkey and I was leaving my happy life and amazing friends. I remember the last day of school I said goodbye to all my friends including John and I went home. Little did I know that that would be the last day I ever saw John.

A few months later on February 27th, 2012, I was in Turkey, being myself on a snow day shortly after I turned 14 that month. That day, I received the worst possible news from my friends on Facebook. John had committed suicide. I cried out in agony, my mind whirling in a hurricane of shock. I cried so much thinking, why?!?!?? I felt so guilty and scared for his worth which was taken away so terribly. I kept thinking I must've had something to do with it. I tried to piece the reasons of his suicide together (personal reasons), and unfortunately, it made all too much sense. I also remember later that night, I watched an old horror movie to take my mind somewhere else but it only made it worse. I barely slept at all that night.

To this day, I think of John everyday, wishing I could have been there before this happened and feeling awful every time I think about it. I think about what I could have done better and how I could have prevented this from happening. I even wanted to commit suicide and was cutting myself a little bit simply so I wouldn't have to live with this but I couldn't go through with it because I have a loving family and after everything they've done for me, it wouldn't be right.

John, I'm missing you and you were wonderful no matter what people put you through and even they miss you too now. If only it wasn't too late to save you, but when I die, I will join you and stick by you no matter what anyone thinks. You're perfect and we all love you. Your presence forever lurks in my heart. RIP my dear friend.