The Outcast's Story
Lydia Jo
17 Dec, 2012 09:37 PM
High School, they say it is the best times of your life. They say you make friends and you find your own little place, and you walk on the path to the rest of your life. High School, they said it was such a glorious place. It looks so great on the television. They glamorize it and ignore those who are hurting. They ignore the outcasts.
High School is great if you know what you want to do for the rest of your life. Too bad that's not me. I'm the type of girl who hates it here. I look different, I listen to non-mainstream music. I get weird looks, and people whisper. To them I look like a psycho who lost it. But the sad reality, I'm just like those judgmental people. I keep to myself now-a-days. I try to think of the happier days, the days when I felt significant. The days when I thought I had a purpose. The days I had, with the in crowd.
I used to smile and laugh a lot, I used to be able to take a joke. I was getting over the grief of my boyfriends death and ready to take on moving forward in life. To be a journalist. However, October crept along. Then came December. The once happy me, turned into a little monster. Four months, I thought I found true love. He was a Junior in HS, and I was a freshmen. However, he never loved me. He raped me, then left me there feeling worthless then I had in my whole life. The relationship ended and I was not allowed to speak to him. In fact, I didn't wanna speak to anyone.
I found silence to be quite comforting, I found the sight of my own blood to bring me peace. Yes, after I was raped, self-destruction became my hero. I was miserable, I was so lost. I didn't want to live. I almost committed suicide a month after the rape. If it wasn't for music, I wouldn't be here. But still, after that I tried to be happy. I found a girl who was raped too, we both became best friends. I loved her as if she were my own sister. We were friends, friends for the summer. then along came October. She dropped me. Claiming I lied about cutting and wanting to commit suicide. This girl, saw my scars when I wanted to die the most. She saved my life. Then she betrayed me. She left with no shame.
Then, my silence came back. I cried more and I started to self harm ever more. I lost her and the majority of my friends. I was alone. I felt incomplete. Its been 2 months since she and the others left, I smile a little now, not as much as I did back then. I'm not like the rest of my student body. I'm an outcast. A liar who doesn't tell people everything. I dress differently. Combat boots, and black cut up leggings and a baggy sweat shirt.
I hide my scars.
I hide my life behind this plastic wall.
I hope someday, I can just fade away..
away from a place, where children shout demonic things.
telling me I'm useless,
telling me that nobody loves me.
telling me that I need to kill myself.
Someday, I might just take their advice. They only see what they want too see. An "Emo Faggot" in there way. They don't know me, they will never know me, I'm just that one outcast, everyone wants to avoid.
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Comments
Post a Comment16 Mar, 2013 12:29 PM
I'm sorry you've been through so much. It must be really hard for you, but don't take yourself as a liar. It doesn't mean that you are lying if you don't tell people everything.
That guy didn't deserve you if he put you so much pain.
I hope your life gets better and that you find someone who really loves you, someone who would treat you like a human.
20 Mar, 2013 06:15 AM
Life has difficult challenges and everyone has problems they have to face. Whether the problems are minor or major, people have to battle out. Keep fighting and don't let others put you down. One day when their mindset changes they will regret what they are doing now. Take it from someone who was born with a difficult life and continues to fight everyday for a better future. Learn to cherish the positive moments of life. At least you are smiling a little more, keep up with that and be the warrior you are meant to be.
22 Mar, 2013 08:03 PM
made me cry.. just want to give you a big hug and let you cry in my arms..i wish you lived here in my town
28 Mar, 2013 09:32 PM
This is how I feel at my school.... Like a total outcast.... People are always telling me that I just need to die and that it would make their lives so much easier and less complicated.... I've thought about it several times and I'm a cutter/Emo. No one wants to talk to me anymore. They say I need to suicide... Or be shipped to the moon... I have a best friend, been friends since 1st grade, he became my friend the first day I arrived at my new school which I've went to for seven long years. He is okay with how I am, doesn't judge or make fun of me. He is Seth Watson. The guy I am secretly in love with... I'm afraid if I tell him I will lose him, and then have nothing else to do but die. I want to die so badly because of the people here. My other friend, Steffon, almost committed suicide. I haven't seen him in almost 3 months... I know how y'all feel.... The world is really messed up...
06 Apr, 2013 06:19 AM
I feel like an outcast as well. Yea, I have a lot of "friends" but only 4 or 5 of them I consider my actual friends. I feel like a target at my school and I'm bullied and made fun of almost everyday. I hate. I've attempted suicide three times in the past year and a half but could never go through with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy person but I have a lot of days where I feel worthless and no one cares about me. I get through it though. I also love to help people and a few of my close friends are ones I've helped and was there for when no one else was. I'd be glad to help you and talk to you if you want. You can email me at kalebbercik02@gmail.com text me at 1-931-450-3036. I'm here for you. I understand a lot in this world and I know what true pain is. I'd be more than happy to talk to you about the things that bother you or if you just want to talk to someone. I'm here for you.
09 Apr, 2013 06:26 PM
im sorry that you went throufh that you just got to keep strong cuz thats what i did and i know that if im 14 and your in high school that you can do it too peace and love and much huggs