Diary of a growing boy

Nathan Jacobs

The only story I'll ever tell will be my own, the way I felt and never could tell..............(this is written right out of my brother journal, my brother always wanted to publish his life story)

If only one second I could take back it could have changed my life and I would have changed it a million times over. the day when I realized its to late. I start this story at the age of 10, I didn't want to go to school like always but only for the soul purpose to not get into some sort of trouble with teachers and students alike. My mom couldn't handle me and my step dad only knew to beat me when nothing else he could do would help.

My grandparents took me away and said not another day will I live with all my family again. Not realizing what I had just done I rejoiced. Taking the easy way out and leaving my family only to my grandparents would take the opportunities of happiness away. Years later my parents divorced and my mother was living on the streets and my older brother supporting her, while she abandons her daughter on the streets, leaving to a easier place for her just as I had done. She left to a man she never met but online to another state and never returned.

My sister was adopted by an incredible family that is always too busy for me to stop by. She lives only 7 miles away from my house passing her house at least twice a day and still hasn't seen her for over a year. My brother grew up and learned to live on his own with a job and only him to really rely on. Now over what feels like years but only a few have past, I crave for the affection of others.
I'm 15 know and want attention, moved to a new school, craving attention from anyone told everyone what I wanted them to think I am. What I said not too important at the time but over time I learned these were my actual friends and i should not lie to them. I told only a few that I never had sex it was a lie I've never done drugs and that what I said to them was a lie and nothing but a lie.

Now only my self know's what I've done and the lives I ruined both mine and my family. Feeling so lonely I give into drugs falling deep made me happy with new experiences and friends only their for the drugs made me feel ok. Now wanting out really cant leave and no girl approves of me out of the private school I go to. I want to do die like a fly does when hitting the wind shield, not anyone would care or think twice about what has past. I would to think someone out their would be sad or notice I'm gone but no one would. Only a faint memory would lie off me as a boy destroying everything in his life including his own.

Change will never come soon enough I've changed my life on to clean plate grades through the roof my health at its peak, no more slaking this was it my time to be happy or so I thought everything should just come together like a puzzle piece. Not a day I didn't wait for a friend or family call to ask how I am doing or ask for a favor. Asking god if I hadn't been forgiven or have I not repented enough, realizing maybe there is no god and that eternal life is a way to say I'm scared to die.
I'm perfect in societies eyes. No one Knows why craving for someone to give me a hug or at least a hand shake.

Asking the girl off my dreams out, no confidence in my self she'll say yes she does. The next day ready to plane the date she says she knows what I've said and I've done I told her they where lies and that was an act for help. Depression sinks in as I see how my life has been, supposed to never see my sisters or mother again to never meet my younger brother or my real dad. I gave up said,"screw it" God turned his back on me why don't I give up on my self. Know sitting with a gun in my hand saying good bye to the god I knew and the love I never had, The one second of selflessness of not a day of school had taken me a journey of wickedness......

In memory of my brother god rest his soul.
to never known his words until the day he dies is always a day to late..
To not be able to speak the truth as my little brother said is to die each day on the inside. I will never let a kid again go down a path so horrible that it drives him or her to kill themselves or blame everything on themselves.

"Messing up is apart of growing up" - I wish I could have helped him and told him this....