Playing with FIRE

Unannymous

I was 18 and he was 25. It just started off as a thing. Nothing more then a random person on facebook. We talked, we laughed and we shared things about each other. I will admit if I had based him on a first impression if I had seen him on the street, he would definitely be on of the people that I would not even glance at him because I would believe he just wasn't "my type". As got to know him, things turned out different. He asked me if I would hang out with him and I was like, sure, why not. In my head, I always wanted to have the guy that would first be my friend before anything else, someone who knew my family and loved them as much as I did. Someone who my mother wouuld take to be her son before he became my 'boyfriend'. But he was different. At first I saw it as a positive thing. We would sneak out, have fun. We would always go for walks near the river. We would talk on the phone for hours, well actually just sit on the phone, cause neither of us had to say anything. Just knowing that he was on the other side was enough. But, there was always this feeling that there was something wrong. When we first broke up, it was out of pure fear that it was going too fast, that I wasn't ready for this. I was still growing up while he was already there. I still wanted to do so many things. He told me that he couldn't live without me and that if I left he would rather die then face another day. I thought he was being melodramatic and told him to stop being stupid.I txted him the next morning asking if he were ok. No reply. I was thinking "obviously he is still mad." Then I txted him a couple days later and still no reply. I kept this up for a few more days and thats when I got worried. Then I didn't hear from him, but from his cousin. She was asking who I was. At first I was like I'm just a friend. "Why, what is he to you?" She replies saying I'm his cousin. Do you know he has two kids, and I knew that. But then she continues, he lives with his girlfriend in Fairfield and she is pregnant with his kid. At first, I was in shock because I didn't know whether to believe this stranger, I didn't even know her.

A week went by and I hear from him. Some of his family had been in the Chile earthquake and unfortunately had died. In felt sorrow for him and told him if he needed anything that I would be here for him.

A couple of weeks pass, and we mend things. But there was always that uncertainty of the other girl. I didn't say anything about it because he talked and looked at me like there was nothing he was hiding. I took this as, well his cousin must be lying. One day he needed money, if he didn't get it then he would be facing jail time. Of course I didn't want that to happen as I was thinking of his two lil girls who wouldn't have a father. After I gave him the money, I told him straight up, I think we need a break. This isn't working. Because I couldn't get rid of that feeling that would always haunt my thoughts when I was with him. He flipped out again and this is when I confronted him.

I asked, " Is there something that your not telling me?" He said no. Then I told him, maybe you need to talk to your cousin. He asked "what did she tell you?" and thats when he told me like this....

"When I asked you out I was with my girlfriend. But I fell for you. I love you. When I was going to break up with her, she told me she was pregnant and I flipped out. I didn't know what to do so I stayed with her. But I love you."

That was what hurt the most was him admitting to the accusation. At first I couldn't breathe, I only cried once. Then I plastered a fake smile on my face so that my family didn't know. I walked around without much thought. Everything I did was mechanical for that week. He called and txted. He even tried to come to my house but I told him its no use, lying to him and telling him I wasn't home. After a couple of weeks I got better and started to be myself again. He messaged me and asked if I was ok and what I had been doing. By then I had moved away to get away from that place and told him that i was ok. He had the nerve to say after I told him this that I never cared about him. No matter how I tried to tell him that I loved him he never believed me. So I cut all contact with him.

I cried for weeks and no one knew except one. He helped me alot. Now I'm finally over him, but I still think of him often and the things he did to me. He said he loved me, wanted me, he proposed to me and I changed for him. I use to see us growing old together. But now I don't know anything anymore. I wish I knew if he was al right. But I will never know.....