My Life Story

Zak Keller

My life never was too good or easy or what you have. When I was 4 years old I lived on long island, had friends that actually gave a crap about me. But it wasn't always sunshine, that was when I watched my mother be abused day after day. Then in less than a year me and my mom moved to Pennsylvania I was glad I never had to watch it again but I was so depressed coz I lost all my friends. I guess you can say I moved on but I still miss them.

After we moved here I joined school, it was kindergarten and I was starting to make friends. I was happy, but I didn't notice how cruel I was being to kids who were my friends. I would bully them and now I feel horrible but there's nothing I can do you know? In first grade I was put in this program called A.C.R.P. what that is, is a program for angry and troubled children from ages 5 to 17. I was in the angry category. So all that year I was kind of transitioning I guess you can say. From a bully to a nicer person. However it didn't matter what I did because people held me in my past. So most people avoided me except my very good friend Daniel. He made sure I keep my anger in check he was my best friend.

In second grade was when my Hell started. This kid Brandon moved to our school. I don't know why but he pick me to hate. Part of me felt I deserved it for what I did to others. But he never stopped he would pin my friends against me and just treat me horribly. It eventually got to the point where I would get off the bus crying my eyes out as I ran to my house. But the next year it got even worse.

Third grade now, I was still being bullied relentlessly. But I thought I could start to handle it. Then, Christmas day 2002 was the last time I ever saw my real father. My parents have been divorced since I was an infant. But he would visit every weekend. The first week he called and said he had to work so I didn't think too much of it, he promised he would get me the next weekend. He never showed up and never called that weekend. I lied to myself "maybe he didn't get a chance" but after the next week of no calls or visits I couldn't lie anymore. I knew what was happening I was too smart for my own good. So I did what any 8 year old would, I shut down and dreamed. It was at the point where if I heard the word "dad" I would break down.

But that was just the start of my depression. It got a lot worse the main thing between 4th and 5th grades was one morning on a Saturday I slept on the couch the night before, when I opened my eyes I could have swore I saw him sitting by my feet, he smiled I jumped at him to hug him but I fell through him. I just sat there and cried what else could I do? I was roughly 9. That memory always stays in my head.

In 6th grade I started wanting to date girls. I only had one crush her name was Bailey. I finally got the nerve to ask her out so I made a necklace for her. I gave it to her and asked her. She laughed in my face. I cried all night that night. I kinda stay to myself and really only talked to my friend Daniel. But that year alone I hurt him. I snapped for no reason and threw him across the room twice. I felt so bad I just ran out of the room. My only thought was "I just hurt my only friend" he still forgave me I will never understand why.

In 7th grade I was still being bullied by Brandon and it got so bad that my mom pulled me out and sent me to a christian school. In those years of 8th grade and half of 9th grade I realized my true anger and strength. I was in fights constantly. And half way through 9th grade I was expelled and I went back to my normal school. When I went back I kept getting girlfriends. But it wasn't what I thought. I was being dated for money I was cheated on cheated with used for personal gain and shot down more times than I can count. There were two good relationships I had in school one I was forced away by the military when I was trying to join. The other I completely messed up and now she's with my best friend Matt.

After all this my self esteem lowered drastically. I got to the point where I cut myself every night. One night I was going to end it all. I wrote the note had the knife to my throat but just as I was going to do it, my cell phone went off. It was Matt. The text said "I woke up with a bad feeling about you talk to me dude" so I talked from roughly 3:30 am until we went to school. That's why he is my best friend, because he saved my life. It made me realize that some one actually cares. No matter how mad I get at him I remember why we are friends and I'm instantly done being mad.

When I would cut I was in and out of the psych ward 5 times. The doctor at my last hospitalization told me if I am sent back again I'm being sent to an insane asylum. Knowing this makes me scared to ask for help when I need it most.

Right now I have stopped cutting I'm with a girl named Sami but every day she refuse to text me for hours at a time and tells me things that lead to me thinking she's cheating on me. My family makes it clear they don't care if I die. And I've lost most of my friends. The only reason I have friends is either pity or they are more lonely than me.

Don't get this story twisted it all truly happened to me but I'm am not saying I have the worst life possible I'm only saying my life was and is hard. Think what you will I just needed to say my story.