Everything

deeanna braaten

All I could ever want, I had it at one point in my life, but I just cant remember when. I don't know if my mom was just telling stories, or the truth. I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better by telling me that my life was great once. I had good grades then. I didn't lie, or steal, or hurt those I loved. My mom calls it being innocent. I call it a wish, a dream, something that I wish I could be.

When I was 12 I loved someone every much, but he didn't love me. He loved my auntie,and my best friend in the hole world. He tried to lie to me every day by telling me things like how he would merry me when I was old enough, and even give me the gift of bearing his child. I believed him, I believed the lie to make me feel better, but soon it got to be too much. He stole my virginity in most cruelest of ways, but I still loved him. I still cared. I took it each time in hope that he would see that it was hurting me, but he just smiled each time. I know I had let it go on for far to long when it just got worse. My little sister Becky was so young and had no idea. She got too close and he started to treat her the same way he did me. I stopped him in hope of saving her, but I was too late he had left his mark.

I began to hate him. Every day I began to lie to him. I began to get back at him. He hated it when I would tell him I slept with guys from school. He hated to know that he was not the only one, but I never really did, because I was too scared to. The day came when it all stopped and life was one big mix up. He passed away in his sleep. I was free or so I thought. As the years went by I began to trust guys again. It was always the same mistake. They never wanted anything more then sex, but I gave it to them anyway with out a single thought in my head. I hated my self so much. I always tried to find a new way to hurt my self. I had blades that used to cut into my skin and make marks of how I truly felt about what and who I was doing at the time. When I got into high school it started to become a habit. I couldn't stop cutting and each day they got deeper and longer.

My soft-more year I meat the man of my dreams, Joseph Andrew Grudt, he had a big afro for hair. His eyes were the most amazing shade of brown I had ever seen. On the day I was to announce my feelings for him. My sister Becky stepped in she asked him first. I was hurt, but glad that my sister would be happy. She never really know what she had though. She would lie, and cheat on him, and make excuses. They broke up finally after the 3rd time, But I was still sick. I still cut, and I never thought twice. Joe started to talk to me after he saw my cuts he wanted to help me and I still don't know why. That summer I told him I loved him but right in the middle of that summer me and my family moved leaving him behind I would go and visit him and he would come and visit me, everything was just going wonderfully. I started to cut again. I was having night mares and flash backs that would make Steven King jump out of his skin. Joe still stayed with me anyway and I still don't know why. Now after 7 years of pain and back and forth false hopes and dreams. I am still with Joe.I am having a little girl and life is the way it is supposed to be for now. I worry every day that i will mess up, and Joe will leave me, but he promises to stay always and forever.I know that to be true because he is the first guy that has ever truly loved me.