The One True Person

alicia

We can all say we have had one true person in our life. The one that listens,cares, and loves us. Mine was my grandpa, He was always there for me. When I was younger and I felt like no one cared, he always did. He never told me his heart was failing and he was in pain most of the time. Never told me, never showed it, never complained. He was always happy and tried his best to get me everything I wanted and to make me happy. I could tell him anything and everything he never judged me. I always thought he would be there and I never thought he would pass away.

The day my parents told me he died I felt like my heart shattered. I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying I put my head in my knees and cried on my parents floor I didn't' want their comfort so I went to my room and cried until I had the sniffles and I was so tired I fell asleep. Everyone tried comforting me and telling me how sorry they were. I didn't care, Me and my family were distant and did not get along and now that he is dead they want to pay attention to me. I wanted to be by myself and distanced myself even more from everyone. He died a month before my birthday April 3. I wanted to commit suicide for many years since his death. I tried 3 times but each time someone would walk in and stop me and take whatever I had. I had no one to talk to because my family ALWAYS judged me.

I started messing up after his funeral. The last time I saw him I got mad he was drinking again so I stayed outside and ran in the car when my parents came to get me I didn't say goodbye didn't give him a hug didn't tell him I loved him, this sticks with me I feel guilty. Seeing him laying in the coffin motionless and cold. I cried and cried and I hugged him and told him sorry and bye but it wasn't the same he couldn't hear me, he was gone. I wanted to believe this wasn't him it couldn't be that day I stopped believing in god. I was crying so much my auntie made me sit down. I wanted to switch with my grandpa he was a good man he did not deserve to go.

After this, I started doing drugs and drinking and cutting myself. When I put the razor to my arm and cut deep as soon as I saw the blood run down my arm it relaxed me. I never was sober for 4 years after he died I didn't care anymore I didn't care for myself or anyone. I pushed my family, friends, relationships away, I never wanted to feel the pain I felt when he died. I cried myself to sleep every night for 2 year. Just this last year I got sober I do not drink or do any of the other drugs I used to do. I try to have relationships with my family, friends and significant other. I am becoming happy again and being to trust people and instead of pushing my dad away I try not to. I stopped cutting myself. Sometimes I still cry about my grandpa I always will, the pain does not go away it just gets bearable.