Numb, Alive, and Falling

LittleWolf

When I was little, my mother told me that I was the happiest little girl in the world. Wrong. It was all wrong. I was always alone in this world. Never once have I've told to be myself. Sit up straight, be polite, talk to others when spoken to, don't stay up late, and what not. Rules, rules, rules, it's all I've ever known. Years pass by, and so many times we moved from state to state, house to house, and school to school. I was broken, shattered so many times that I'll never be that little girl again.

All of a sudden I'm in high school. The years always dragged, but I find myself as a freshmen too soon. Seven years have passed since I realized that no one really cared for me. Seven years I was alone, pretending to be happy, pretending to be someone's friend. I've been so many people's friend, and now I'm entering high school with a couple of "best friends." I rarely had and classes with my so called friends. They're good people and I'm lucky to have them, but I couldn't feel emotion, only act like I do, so I started to make friends.

One of my new senior friend convinced me to join the chess team. It was awhile since I played chess at the time and I didn't mind it because it cleared my mind of troublesome memories. That's where I met him. The guy who helped me remember how it was to be alive. All he did was tell me that he had a crush on me and that was it. I started to question myself. How can someone like me if I'm such a monster?....Maybe it's because I'm not?

I started to develop feelings for him and told him I liked him after two days. He was surprised and we started to hang out with each other. One day we went to the park and sat under my favorite tree. It was autumn and I was drawing the trees with there colorful leaves. He had this arm wrapped around me and watched me draw. He wanted to kiss me because he asked me, "Do you plan on kissing guys anytime soon?" I told him not yet. The next day he told me that he doesn't know what he feels. That he isn't good for me because he's such a screw up. I told him that I'll wait for him as long as it takes. Days pass by and he doesn't dare look at my face. I hear from one of his friends that he's flirting with another girl. For some reason it didn't hurt. I knew that he never really loved me and I just wanted to see if he'll prove me wrong. What a sick person I am, playing with one's feelings. Later on I start to hang out with one of his best friends. For some reason I felt like I could trust him. My brain told me no, you can't trust anyone but I always listen to my instincts when it comes to things like this.

I acted like a best friend for him. Soon it's late November. I keep on pressing him about who he likes because I told myself that if he likes someone I would force these feeling away. It took me a week to finally find out, and it was over video chat but his microphone didn't work so he sent me IMs. He asked me "You really want to know?" I told him of course I do. Such a clever thing he did,"Read the first word of the sentence." Me or I should say you but it was me. 23 days passed and he asks me out. I started to think that I could heal with his help- I was healing because of him. I was finally facing my past and letting it go. Two months and 2 days passed, on a Monday, we broke up......since that day I could never look at his face. It hurts because I know that there will be no more hugs, no more kisses, and that I could never hold his hand. We both didn't want it to end, but he was graduating and I was a freshmen. At first he saw that we could make it, that we will stay together. I just had to tell him that we were moving again.....I never cried so hard on that Monday. After nine years, I cried like a child.

I regret not telling him that same day that I love him and that I don't want to let him go, that I'll go through all the pain to be with him. I didn't and I lost him. That Monday I screamed his name, apologizing even though he can't hear me, saying his name. He was always there for me, he knew the real me, understood me, and still loved me.....I never heard from him since. I still love him after all these years.