Victim

Toby Carmen

First let me say this. This story I'm sharing with you is what I went through. I remember it so well, I sometimes have nightmares about it, but I get through it. I feel as if it helps me when I share it, so here I am, sharing it with you. It's been about a year now since this happened. So, please, don't worry about it now. Yes, it still keeps a burden on me, but not as much as it used to.

I first met Adam when I went to my high school. I was a sophomore. We had met through a friend, in which we became friends, but it soon turned into a gigantic crush for me. I had told my friend that I thought I was falling for him, but I wasn't gay at that time. I wasn't sure if it was okay for me. About a week later he came up to me and said he needed to talk, and of course, knowing me, I didn't think anything of it. We went to the outside area near our art class and he asked if what Samantha had told him was true. I was shocked that she had actually told him, but he laughed when he saw my reaction. He shoved me to the side a little and asked if I'd like to go out with him, and of course I said yes. A few weeks went by, and we had our first.. You know. After that we didn't mind doing it at all, but I started noticing a change in him a couple of months later.

He was being distant, not as loving, ignoring me at times. I confronted him about it and he had said that it was fine, he was just going through a phase of some sort. He started to pay attention to me more, but I kept seeing him around a girl named Lucy. She was pretty, yeah, but I thought it was wrong. He even acted different with me around her. Then he started to get more distant again. I was going to confront him about it, but I just thought it would stop after a while. Well I waited about another week, and still no change, it got worse. After about a month, he started to get rough with me. He basically forced himself upon me. When I started to fight back, he threatened me with all sorts of things. So, I let him do it, but the more the did it, the less he started to care if I liked it or not.

That's when I realized he was actually.. Basically raping me.. He didn't care if he was hurting me anymore. Even if I begged him to stop, he covered my mouth or put something in it to keep me from crying out. The worst thing was, I never went to anyone. I was too scared to because of everything he kept telling me he would do to me. I was in school and his friends came up to me and told me that Adam wanted to speak to me after school, so drive to his house. I did, when I came in no one answered at first. Then he called for me to go down to the basement, which was where his room was. He was sitting on his bed, so I walked in and the door shut behind me. His friends were with him, and he told me his parents would be gone for the entire week. When one of his friends shoved me over to him, it dawned on me. Was he really going to do this?

He only did at first. He didn't care that everyone was watching me, he just kept on going. After he was done with me, he let them. They did this for two days. I stayed over the entire weekend, the third day was for me to catch up my strength, from what he told me. He again threatened me. He said he'd do it all over again, but worse. So I didn't tell my mom, or my sister, or my brother or friends when I got home. I stayed in my room for basically the whole week after it happened, I still kind of do.

I started to cut myself, but that's when I realized I didn't need to harm myself, just draw and paint. I didn't need to show anyone my drawings, I could keep them to myself, which I did. But, after a about two weeks. He called me and asked me to come over again, this time it would be fun. I was scared and I didn't want to go through it anymore. I told him sorry and hung up.

I told the school about it, but asked them to not do anything but to keep him away from me. I still loved him.. I still kind of do, he was so kind to me at first, and I really feel bad for myself for not trying to do something about it. They told him to stop, and they gave me counseling when I needed it.
When we were in football practice, I was asked to go in early and leave, someone told them I had looked sick that day. And they had agreed to let me go early. I wasn't so I wondered why, but just did as the coach asked me to. When I went in, I found myself surrounded by Adam and his friends. They assaulted me, yelled, called me names, beat me up. Then, they left me there. When on of the other players came in he found me on the floor and asked if I was ok, and then got the coach.

Two days or so later, can't remember, he was kicked out of the school, again no charges pressed. I was fine after I had healed, but I still felt bad. I couldn't believe he had done that even after I hadn't put charges against him. I see him sometimes. We kind of talk now, but barely. Just when we pass each other in the mall or something. It's like he doesn't even remember all the things he did to me. But, I still am okay. Just like normal, just that no one knows what I went through, until now.
~ The names in this story are not the real names of the people.