Why?

Vee

I seriously am a lost little kitten. When I was young, my mother and father got a divorce. That didn't stop my father to keep tormenting my lovely hard working mother. He would call in the middle of the night, just to say "hi" and curse at my mother in all ways possible in our language, and in the English language too. Sometimes he came over too. I have bad memory, but one memory I remember clearly is when my mother and father were fighting in the bathroom, and my father broke his cologne bottle near my mother's feet, nearly cutting her feet up. I was in the corner peeking in, and was startled a lot. When my father stomped out of the house, my mother ran after him, pissed off (we live in an apartment, and were afraid of always getting kicked out cause of him.) I was left alone to cry, picking up those broken glass shards. I cut myself too, and although it was on accident, that was my first cutting experience.

Twice I've caught my father raping my mother. My mom is strong, but my dad is stronger still. When we moved to San Francisco for my mother's work, my father began to torment my mother again, because she was so close to him. He called 24/7, threatening us because we wouldn't tell him where we lived. My father went over the top and got a gun, and searched all of SF to kill our family. I was still young, and I just kept smiling through it all, bringing joy to my family as always (my brother and mother have always reminded me how I had the gift of laughter). My mother, frightened for her life as well as her children, she called the police, got a restraining order, and the police eventually caught my dad. Turns out, he really did have a weapon and was hunting us down.

We only lived there for a week, but even so, our family moved back to where we live now, and it took all our money out of the bank. Now my mom works two hard jobs, always going early and coming home late. I eat dinner by myself, and rarely with my mom. I feel so lonely at those times, and I've tasted my tears more than I care to count. Every day mom doesn't play with me, cause she's just so tired. I'm old enough now to understand that much, to not hate her for her actions. My brother went to join the Military, for no colleges accepted him (he is a smart student!). He is in South Korea now, fearing North Korea and his job, for he makes bombs. Because I'm alone so much, I'm starting to cut, burn, and bruise myself. I've become suicidal. I've once starved myself for a month and a half straight, not even bothering to touch anything that is edible, and more than countable cut too deep into bone.

Why do I have to live like this? My parent's are Christians, and I've learned that God loves everyone, even sinners. So why do I feel like God despises me; no one likes me. I'm tired of being the funny crazy girl among my friends; sometimes I just want to break down and cry too, you know? Why give life to something that doesn't wish for it?