My Broken Heart's Letter

ila

(This was the letter I wrote to my older brother the day after the love of my life broke up with me)

Big brother,
How are you doing? I am horrible. He broke up with me yesterday!! I feel lost, broken, and helpless. After 6 years he decided that after the end of his 9 months of house arrest he is moving back with his family in Europe, and he doesn’t want me to be a part of his new beginning, his new life. As he puts it he wants to start “fresh.” Yet he tells me he does still love me but that he HAS to do this. He said he isn’t ok with losing me forever, that he knows he is throwing something perfect away but he made up his mind!

It tears me apart! I’ve never felt so deserted, so broken. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying so hard to be strong and move forward, after all it's his loss, I’ve done nothing but love him and he threw it all way. But I feel like there is nothing left for me! All my hopes and dreams involved him in the picture and it’s all gone, I have nothing left to look forward to. I know I have you and mom and the all the family but I’m not going to have that love from the one person that I wanted it from. I can’t function right. I’m in class and memories rush in and all I want to do is cry. All I want to do is lay in bed pretend it’s all a dream that I’ll wake up tomorrow and we’ll still be together, happy, laughing, hugging, just enjoying each other’s company.

But I know it’s not a dream, its reality, and what hurts me the most is that he doesn’t want me in his future period not even as a friend. So I’ll never see him, never be able to hug him, or tell him I love him, it’s like he’s dead. And what else hurts is that we had future plans together, HE wanted to marry me, HE wanted to have kids, live together, and all that. I don’t know what changed. He says it’s not me at all that I’ve done nothing wrong, that this is a decision that he HAS to do! I don’t understand it, and mom is trying so hard to keep me going, giving me strength, but the only time I don’t think of him is when I’m sleeping. It’s so hard to move forward!

Thinking about the future without him hurts. I think about him all the time, before I fall asleep he’s in my head, when I wake up he is in my head, when I’m in class he’s all I think about, when I’m at work it’s the same. I can’t stop thinking about him, life without him, him moving on without me, him getting married with someone else and having kids with that person, being happy with someone else. Don’t get me wrong I do want him to be happy but I wanted him to share that happiness with me. But he has chosen to keep me out.

I was good in not looking for a guy, I worried about school and my family, I waited for love to come and find me and it did, now I don’t know what I did wrong, or how I angered God for him to punish me and take him away from me. I don’t know if I could move forward meaning finding someone else, because what if he comes back and I’ve moved on? Mom tells me that I will find someone else, but I don’t want someone else I only want him. I feel like the world is crumbling beneath me and I can’t escape. I can’t erase everything from my heart or my memory. It’s there forever, haunting my very existence. Not letting me move forward, holding me back, and locking me up from hope that one day maybe it will be ok. I don’t see myself with no one else and I feel like I’m walking around like a zombie, like I’m living but dying and rotting inside! Everyone is telling me that it just going to take time and I know that but this will hurt for years to come! Years not days, or months but years! I feel like I have no one, even with the family right next to me I feel like I have no one. He was that one person, the first person I would call when something good or bad would happen. I told him everything; he was my best friend not just my boyfriend and now I don’t have either. I lost two all at once. Our beautiful love has been taken away, ripped out of my hands, ripped out of my soul, heart and life….