Damaged.

Kay

It was 2011. I was in 8th grade and I had just left a dreadful summer. The bell rang and school was out. Now going to sonic after school was a cool thing to do and so I did it. I saw you sitting there. Wondering if you noticed me or even recognized me from summer. We sat there. As awkward as two people can be. Had a few chuckles here and there. Then we exchanged numbers and went on our way.

Starting that day I had a new texting buddy. You were such an amazing texter. Keeping our conversation going and bringing life to them. We started hanging out at the Amphitheater and slowly I grew onto you like a vine twisting and hooking it's self to a rail or wall. Now I didn't have any intentions on letting you become the biggest thing in my life but you did. You some how made everything feel real and exciting.

That day. The day I decided I wanted to kiss you. I knew everything would change but I hoped for the good, and it did don't get me wrong. I will admit you did at one point make me the happiest person in the world. As we were adventuring and finding new places to hangout closer to my house so I would be home on time. We came upon this abandoned house. In great shape. At first we hung out, outside. That's the day we had our first kiss. That bright sun-shining day. With little butterflies fluttering everywhere. That's when you started calling me butterfly. We had our perfect first kiss. And that's when I became infatuated with you and you meant everything to me. After a while and a couple of times of being around out-back we decided to go inside.

Room 1. Our first room together. We were bored and laughing together and decided to get some old greeting cards we found on fire. That's how that big hole in the carpet came to. The day we gave each others to each other was in that room. I was wearing my bulldog basketball shorts and my hair up. It happened to the left under the window on the carpet. Room 2. We knew we were the only ones who knew about the house, and we called it ours. Everyday beginning in September the month I told you I loved you. The month you said it back. We went to the house. We brought blankets when it got cold and did unspeakable things almost everyday. Some days we just laid there holding each other. I still remember your long shaggy brown hair. You big goofy smile with your braces that were green which were your favorite color.

We thought the room needed some lighting up so we decided to spray paint it during February. By then you've seen me laugh, cry, scream, yell. So we we're as inseparable then ever. You wrote our initials and said you loved me. If a boy spray painting it in big letters didn't mean love then I don't know what did. Days went on and we saw each other everyday. One night when you were working at Brahms we decided for you to sneak over and we would cuddle and watch TV together. Criminal minds to be exact but we got caught and you left before we could finish it. But you put forth the effort to walk over a mile in the dark to see me. I truly thought I was everything to you. But that one day in May halted me and made me devastated and wrecked. It was sunny and you could see everything. Laying the naked wrapped in sheets with my head on you shoulder and my hand on your chest you looked at me. That look where you know the next thing that was going to be said was bad. You asked me "What are you going to do?" I hate those words. I crying at the thought of ever hearing them. I looked at you with confusing. I thought we had just got done making incredible love and everything was amazing in my little mind and going perfect. But you asked again. I answer "I don't know..." Knowing what the question was about. About you going to visit your ex girlfriend ( Or it was complicated relationship) and your son. I couldn't talk. I hadn't wanted summer to come at all. I knew you would have to leave. Not for long but the thought of you being with her tore my heart in half.

That summer went by and you posted pictures of you and her and ya'lls little family. I didn't bother texting or calling. No need for her to know about us. No need for anyone really. Come to think of it I hadn't told anyone that year about my first love. In fact I felt that we weren't going to be the type of couple that puts everything out there. Well we never did and soon our secret relationship was fading away. My summer started out with allot of long nights of crying and torturous days of heat. That summer my self esteem and out look on life had changed drastically. I became more in closed and wants to grow up faster. Or atleast become of age to move out and not have other people controlling me. 2012 Freshman year came around and I knew I was going to be in the same school as you. During the first two months of school we didn't say anything to each other. We'd see each other and I would look away as soon. The 31st of October was the night we had talked in a while. I was sitting at sonic with my friends around 8 at night getting drinks and you were driving by with some friends and I had felt so amazing I could have such a great thing about me that had you make them stop just so you could come talk to me.

You ended up walking me home. I tried so hard. Sooo hard no to give into you. But all I could think was " Could this be it? Could it actually happen now? We go to the same school and see each other during the day and were more socially active." School started the next day and we didn't really acknowledge each other and it went on like that because I decided not to be the one to talk first. The day we started talking again, I was wearing skinny jean and my favorite black shirt and white tank top and my hair was blonde and black. You would wear your "South Pole" pants all the time and a jacket that seemed all beat up. I was standing at the cafe doors staring out the windows and a break of laughter exploded behind me I turned and look and saw you sitting there with the reddest face and your friends laughing telling you they caught you staring at me hard core. We started texting and talking. You even started walking me to classes and waiting on me. We would hang out after school and it became a regular thing. All of it did. We occasionally made love in the locker room and would kiss in front of a couple kids that stayed after school. But never did we hold hands, become a public thing. Non of that. And sadly I was okay with it. All that I could think was I had you and everything was better.

By the end of December I started questioning you about why we couldn't hold hands and date. You pleaded with everything you had that it was because you were 2 and half years older and didn't want to get in trouble. So I believed you. I guess that's what you do when your in love. You believe anything the other person says. Slowly we communicated less and walking with each other and eventually stopped talking again. I was always upset about it. Till one day I met this guy named Dustin. He took my mind off things for a couple months but that ended and I was left there thinking about you still. Having dreams still and always having you on my mind. By April I found out you dating this girl. This girl that looks just like me. What I wished I looked like somewhat. Lilly. A short/average height for a girl, Hispanic, long black hair, glasses, and has this petite body with a cute/normal kind of look. Only thing different between me and her was our height and maybe a 15 lbs weight difference. Oh and by the way. We we're the same age.

I cried for the longest time. I laid awake thinking at night what was wrong with me, why wasn't I ever good enough. Why you weren't hurt about anything, why all the memories we had together and everything just disappear and you didn't have any pain in your body what so ever about any of it. You dropped all of it like it was nothing and didn't care one bit about me. And how I felt, how I turned out after ward. I spent my whole summer obsessing with my looks my everything. Now I feel I have a big issue with it and it can only become bigger. I had moved that summer with all the pain I was in, I was having family problems too. But you were the only thing on my mind.

I started my Sophomore year 2013 out at a school in a different town and had tried to forget everything. I still had dreams and nightmares. We were completely shut off from each other that if I wouldn't have poked you that one day on face book we probably would have went our separate ways. But that's when it began we poked each other back and forth having a poke war. The only way of us staying connected. I had learned that first few months of school that you had got with my best friend and were still talking to Lilly. In fact that you loved Lilly. I couldn't bare the thought of not meaning one thing to you the entire time we had together. By November me and you had met up and had sex and thinking it would give me closer it opened allot back up. You meant so much to me yet I didn't mean anything at all to you. It just doesn't make sense in my mind, I cant seem to wrap my fingers around it. I met my new best friend by the beginning of January and that's when i started smoking. Everyday in the morning, at lunch, after school whenever i could. It made me feel better. I was under the influence one night and texted you this message I wanted answers to but I told you not to text back hoping you could tell me it was all real and I didn't have to be in pain anymore. Yeah right, like that would ever happen. You didn't. Message me back you know? I was glad. It could have been something I didn't want to hear anyways. I had message you in February sometime just saying your name because I was thinking about you. you messaged back but I just deleted it and went on.

Easter came and I was walking home and I decided to message you again asking hows life and whats up. You replied back faster then I thought you would and we ended up meeting up and going to hang out like the old days in room 1. We smoked, took pictures, laughed. Had a great time. I did have the little thought in the back of my mind if that anything could happen I hope it would. It never did. You ignored me more unless you were bored and had no one else to hang out with. I was okay with it. Got free smoke and got to see you. But deep down it wasn't cool like that at all. I went off the walls cursing and putting myself down for not being good enough and I still do. I'm mentally messed up over all of it and all I can do it think about it day and night. I fear of being fat and never being loved by another partner. I believe I have serious problems and can't do anything but drown my self in smoke and inflict pain on myself till I'm good enough for even myself. I don't know if ill ever reach my standards. I currently have a boyfriend with law problems and isn't loving the way i want but does tell me everyday. and is caring just doesn't show the way I wish. He tells me he'll never be embarrassed of me but I feel like no one will ever truly care.