My Life.

Kay

It's 5'O clock. 5.2.13. I'm 16 years old sitting here thinking about my life.I have a bad self esteem issue. You and other might not think it's such a huge deal. But it is. To me it's a big deal. Yeah some adults might say it's a phase you go through but this started when I was little and has been going on and on forever. I found a solution. Might not be the best but it helps. Without my smoking I'm scared to see what would happen I feel like it keeps me sane. So I have less then a month of school left and I feel like its going by so slow. I'm failing all my math class yet I don't care. I know that's bad so why do I do it?

About two months ago I moved out of my dad's. Why? Well he seems to love A LOT of drama and if there isn't any then he sure as hell will make some. He is also stingy. Try taking his money and he yells like a little baby you took a bottle away from. I haven't talked to him since I moved. Why should I? It's not like he tries to talk to me. I mean come'on grow up. Frankly I don't have any interest in speaking to him. My sister is the one person who tries to be my role model. What she doesn't know is that I don't want to. I don't want to have anyone to look up to. I wanna be myself and go on through life without anyone telling me how. Now shes 30 and it's like shes my mom but she also has two kids of her own and a boyfriend/husband. ( she has yet to marry him but they've been together for 14 years ) But she does understand how I feel about anything. I really don't want her to anyways.

My brother Chris is 31 and a pot head and works as a mechanic and lives with my dad. Sounds great huh??. My other brother whose 22 is also living with my dad but he works and went to school and saves his money up. I'm not very close to either of them but I'd say I'm closer to Chris then Bobby. Now living in this small town I see my other brother who is Chris's twin. Justin is 31. He's a Carpenter and just had a beautiful baby with his unfriendly/stubborn wife Kayla. I'm closer to just them any of my siblings yet I only talk to him maybe five times out of a month. I'm not close to any of my aunts and uncles here nor am I with my fathers parents. My mom is someone I love so much. I worry about her because she told me she has suicidal thoughts. So all of my issues and problems I keep to myself so I don't stress her. She's married to jack. My seventy-three year old step-dad. He is very nice and kind, But I will always have that feeling of "He's not my parent" But he keeps his mouth shut considering her doesn't want to stress my mom either.

I feel like my life is to much to handle for me and damaging my body somewhat helps I'm a wreck. I need a cig. Later.