Almost Broken

Lily Vasilyeva

Standing at the edge of a precipice. Looking down into the bottomless abyss. No way out. A few more steps forward, and you teeter on the thin crumbling line. One more step forward and you'll fall, give in to the darkness, let it shroud your senses with blissful numbness. Just disappear from here...

If you go back, you'll break apart, shatter to pieces which then will dissolve to dust under the burning merciless glare of the sun. And it'll happen oh so very slowly. After you completely break down, after there's nothing left inside of you. After the emptiness takes over and your heart becomes hollow. After your eyes are blank and empty, glazed over. When every smile you make seems to be brimming with happiness, but in reality it's like a stake being driven through your soul. When every laugh is like another needle in the pincushion that your heart has become... It's all false, all of it, a mask firmly glued to your face betraying nothing of your true feelings.

Then the seemingly endless nights of crying, an already broken heart breaking even further. And all the while smiling, being entertaining, positive. Like a fucking ball of sunshine. And no one notices you silently screaming out in anguish. No one notices the pained eyes. And then comes the day when your heart lurches, dragging you down. The day when you understand you don't want, don't need anything here. You have no desire to do anything or listen to anything. You're tired of acting, playing the part of the "happy" person, and tears trickle down your face. Empty. Hollow.

Icy fingers grip your very core, stilling your heartbeat. They brush over your skin, a cold caressing touch, but on the inside you're burning in simmering flames. Icy stabs on your skin and the smoldering heat inside. Irregular heartbeat. It hurts so much. Just how much longer? On the verge of collapsing.

You walk past the people on the road. Empty holes instead of their eyes briefly pause on you for a moment, staring through you. Then the eyes move from your face and onto others. A daily routine. White masks on black faces. Black city on white sky. Empty eyes on empty features, illuminated by the grey light of the setting sun. Black, white, grey. Anywhere you look. Everywhere you turn. Grey, white, black. You are a shadowy silhouette on the roof of some tall building, curled in a corner, crystal tears leaking down your face.
On the verge of breaking.

A sudden thought skimming through your head. You're standing on the very edge of the banister.
Just one step, and it'll all be over. One more step, and the misery and hurt will end. One single step and a stab of pain, and the tears will stop. And you will no longer be tormented by the anguish ripping your bleeding heart open.

Only one step...
And you'll be free