My Feet Drag On…

The_Real_97'

It was January 5th, 2013 the day that changed my life. New Years was over and it was the first weekend after returning to school. I had been talking to this girl for a few months, and it was never flirtatious, just great friends. It was in school that we got the idea of watching Monsters Inc., or at least we were joking around about it cause it was such a great movie. (We both like animated films, she loves them though) But that Saturday I remember being on the bus and not having anything to do till 6:00 p.m. where I had to go house sit, and her name came across my phone. So I called her up and made the plans, we were going to go catch the afternoon show and it turned out to be one of the best days of my life.

I remember walking past her house and we joked about that, it was the first time I took the light rail, I remember spilling M&Ms in the theater and joking about that, some special ed guy joked about me taking her to prom (it was ironic cause she’s a junior and I’m a sophomore so she would really have to take me), she took me to Hoboken for the first time and we walked the Waterfront. All of this still as friends, and it wasn’t till later that it happened. It started when we stopped by a local mall: Newport. We were in the food court and an old friend of hers recognized her and came over. What was funny was that the friends were acting kind of awkward, as if they didn’t know whether or not to leave us alone. So when they left for the bathroom I remember leaning across the table and saying, “you know they think we’re dating right?”
“What? You think so?” she asked.
“Yeah, why do you think they’re acting so weird right now?” I said.
And it was true, when they came back from the bathroom, I remember her and I just laughing cause we knew the tension that they were dealing with and in fact it wasn’t a date.

Unfortunately it was pushing 6:00 p.m. and I had a job to do, so I had to call it a wrap and we started to head back to the light rail. The whole time listening to Mambo #5 with these headphones she had where you could connect another pair. I remember she had her arm around mine to stay close and not break the headphone connection. Well we get to our stop and when you get out you need to take an elevator. We were still “connected” through the headphones and we were heading into the elevator. She turned back cause she thought she heard her name being called but someone was trying to get in so I gently pulled her in. She was caught off balance and fell onto me with her hand on the elevator wall and we locked eyes… It was beautiful, perfect, an innocent connection that awoke passion in both of us. Time stretched, lips quivered, but a kiss was forbidden. She had a boyfriend. You could see the realization strike her when she looked down and away. I knew I wasn’t going to break her relationship either so I didn’t push it. I tried to make it into a joke by kneeling slightly trying to get eye level so she’d look at me.

We finally got to the street and we walked out just recapping the day. I got to the bus stop and it arrived right on cue. We hugged each other, quite awkwardly (we both kind of went in the same direction and messed up like derps), just the way to end the night and I was gone. She had a boyfriend, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Next time I talked to her she told me to get a Skype and that’s how it started with the video calls. I told her over a Skype call how I felt, and she told me she had a boyfriend so it couldn’t happen, but later in the same convo we kept talking about “what-ifs” and “director’s cuts” if our life was a movie. They had been hitting a rough patch cause this guy was down in Florida and he was starting to care less and less, barely calling or anything. Meanwhile I was using all my free time talking to her. Finally I got my shot. She left him and she got with me, and I thought that I could fix everything and show her how to love.

I remember getting my first kiss, the kiss, the one that was so forbidden, at Palisade Park. I remember taking her to see all of these amazing views of New York, sharing my heart, buying hot chocolate, listening to her and everything she’s gone through. I always wanted to be there, and every goodbye was hard. Meanwhile things never went that smoothly for long. For a long time she would want to break up over small reasons, and I would fight for her back. Then it came to a point where she wanted to go back to her ex-boyfriend, and she did but she ended telling me it was the wrong decision and I remember the security guard telling me that she was hurt by leaving me (For me it wasn't so easy to believe that I could actually mean something to someone else, or at least to her) so I fought her back and things went good for a long time. Her ex-boyfriend ended up not talking to her for about 3 months and in that time it was just she and I. We celebrated her birthday, which is a big deal cause of all the past tragedies on her B-day. I took her to prom and she looked absolutely… beautiful. The most amazing girl at prom, I couldn’t dance for my life and she just moved through the dance floor. She was amazing. The most I remember about that night was walking around and picking a bench by the Waterfront. She was telling me about how that night, her life lately had been too much like a movie. She was afraid that something bad was going to happen and I told her fairytale moments like these aren’t a lie. I told her that she didn’t have to be afraid of them anymore cause she was with me. I told her I loved her, she held me back and she told it to me too.

Unfortunately, she ended up fighting with me soon after that. We worked through a lot, but in the end I came up short. She told me that she loved me, but that she couldn’t get over her ex. He was going to fly up for the summer and he had begun to talk to her again. So, we broke up and ever since then things have been shaky. At first it was like we hadn’t even broken up, but then we argued and since then things have been on a slippery slope. For a long time I was emotionally and physically sick. I couldn’t function and I did my best to pull through. It wasn’t till I had a panic attack in class did I go and talk to the school nurse who ended up becoming one of my strongest allies and a deeply valued friend. She helped me through the abyss, and now looking back at my relationship a lot of things make sense. Even now they’re becoming clear.

I can’t regret anything I did though, and honestly I'd do it again. This girl was by far the best thing that happened in my life to date. She showed me a lot, made me do things I wouldn’t have, and she let me love her and she loved me back. I remember that a major point in the beginning in the relationship was to give me a “fair shot”. Give me a chance to prove myself rather than comparing me to this other guy. I think she wanted to give it to me, and for a while she did. It’s just that now she’s not capable. I used to reminisce so much about how amazing a future with her would be, but its not my choice anymore. Now my goals are just to remain her friend, to stay in her life as support, and to show her that people aren’t all that evil. I’m still in love with her as much as I did before we broke up and I crave her touch, her kiss but I’ve learned to control it. I had to. We had another fight and I wonder whether or not she’ll come back? I hope she does cause I can’t go fighting for it. I don’t go around anymore looking for plots, loopholes, or schemes on how to get her back. You can’t control people, or at least not love. So I just wait, looking onward towards the future. My feet dragging along the path just trying to find my way.