Why would you do this to me?

Evie

It all started early in my eleventh year in school. I was attending Creekside High School alongside my two best friends Josh and Jack. Josh was the kind of kid who had a lot of mistakes in his past but was working on it and trying to become a better person. He was there for me and stuck up for me. But Jack was more than that. I fell for him really quickly and things were different between he and I. He had a girlfriend and I could tell they were in love but I don’t know. I can’t describe it. He and I can go months without talking or without seeing each other but when we finally reunite, we talk and laugh like no time has past since the last time we spoke to each other.

I remember one night I was so upset about something that had happened at school and I called Josh in tears but he didn’t answer. Then I called Jack and he and I spoke on the phone for hours. At first it was about what had happened at school that day but then, after he calmed me down, we just talked and laughed and I completely forgot about what had happened at school that day.

Do you ever have that one person you search for in crowds? Or you hope you see that one person every time you’re out of the house? That’s who Jack is for me. We haven’t really hung out since the summer after the eleventh grade and that was the last time he and I ever really saw each other. But I don’t know, I dreamt about him the other night and now I can’t get him off my mind.

But things started changing in my freshman year of college when he texted me and told me to come see him for a little bit. I went over to his house and when I got there, we hugged. It was surreal. I felt like he wasn’t the person I had fallen in love with in the eleventh grade. He was different. Sweeter, kinder, more gentle when we touched. As soon as our bodies touched I felt my face become flush and the butterflies in my stomach start to go crazy. But when I pulled back from our hug, I could tell something was wrong. There were tears in his eyes and I grabbed his hand and said,

“Jack, what’s wrong?”
“Katie and I broke up a few days ago.” He said, his voice deeper than I remember.
“Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“Rachel?”
“Yeah?” I ask.
“I want to ask you something and it might make things a little weird. But I want to know.”
“Okay, go for it. Ask away.” I say, smiling.
“In junior year, when Katie and I were still dating, did you ever have feelings for me?”
“Do I have to answer?” I say then laugh.
“Please? For me?”
“Okay.” I smile. “I did. I had feelings for you stronger than I had for anyone. Ever.”
“Do you still have feelings for me?”
“Do I have to answer that one?” I laugh.
“Rachel.”
I exhale. “Yes. Now I have a question for you. Do you have that one person you search for in a crowd? Even though you know they’re not gonna be there?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have that person that no matter when, or where, if someone says the word love your mind jumps to that person?”
“Yeah. What are you getting at?”
“I search for your face in crowds and my mind jumps to you.” I can feel the tears start to fall down my face. “And I know you’ll never see me in that way, and you never did see me in that way, but I wanted you to know since I tell you everything. Jack, I just. Even when we don’t talk for months or even sometimes a whole year, I’m still sitting here missing you like crazy. And sometimes, I’ll lay awake all night thinking about you and I cry because I know you’ll never be mine.” By now, I’m sobbing. “ You know, after senior year started, I thought I had lost you because we stopped talking and it broke my heart. And I’m still not completely healed.” I turn to walk to my car.
“Rachel, wait. Don’t go.” Jack reaches for my hand and grabs it.
I pull my arm away and wipe away some tears as I step into my car. As I’m about to close the door I hear, “I search for your face in crowds and my mind jumps to you.”
I look at him and say, “Are you mocking me?”

“No. I walk through crowds at concerts or at the mall looking for you, even though the odds of me seeing you are next to impossible. And when I saw you pull up today, I couldn’t help but get flash backs to junior year when you pulled up to the school and jumped out and tackled me. I couldn’t help but to remember how beautiful you looked. And the other night, I was watching a chick flick with my mom and the guy told the girl that he loved her and I thought of you for some reason. And guess what? I’ll be driving down the road listening to music and a song will come on that would make me think of you and I have to pull the stinkin car over because I can’t see through my tears. I will be looking through old pictures of us and I’ll start to get depressed because I want to relive those moments over and over again and it kills me because I can’t. There are times when I’ll start to think I want Katie back, but then I think, ‘I don’t want her back. I just want Rachel’. So please, stay.”

I get out of the car and hug him. I put my face in the crevice of his neck, crying and smelling him. He places his hand on the back of my head, and his hand starts to run down my arm and I get chills. He kisses my cheek and we go sit on the swing in his front yard. I lean into him and place my head on his shoulder and he has his arm around me.
We’re watching the sky fade from blue to black as I say, “Jack?”
“Yeah?” He asks in response.
“Did you ever really love Katie?”
“You know, she was the first girl I was ever with. And I thought I did, but sitting here with you, thinking about how our chemistry has been, I’m starting to think that I didn’t. Why?”
“I don’t know. Because I remember during junior year that you were my one true friend and thinking back on all those sleepless nights, I just can’t help but feel that you were my first love even though we never even dated.”

After that, we didn’t speak much. I was closer to Jack that night than I had ever been with any man before. He and I wanted to make love so badly, but he knew that I was saving myself for my husband. So we were intimate instead. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. I could feel him watching me, and he was running his hand up and down my arm. I was getting chills and goosebumps. He kissed my cheek and we fell asleep looking at the stars and falling into each other.
When I awoke in the morning, I was inside his house on his couch. He walked over and handed me a cup of coffee. “Good morning.”
“Didn’t we fall asleep outside on a swing?” I ask, then laugh.
“It got really cold so I brought you in here and I thought being on the couch together would be more comfortable than on the swing.” I smiled.
I pictured him carrying me through the doors and my face became flushed. I looked out the window on the other side of the room and said, “It’s such a beautiful day. Can we go for a picnic today?”

He slid next to me on the couch and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my head and whispered, “I’ll do anything as long as I’m with you.”
We had a picnic for lunch and we fell asleep in the grass in the sun. That was the happiest day of my life. After about 2 and a half years of dating, on Jack’s birthday, I decided to throw him a surprise party. When I got to our house to get ready for his party, I walked in and put the groceries on the counter. I heard something upstairs. I was certain no one was home and I grabbed a knife. I crept up the stairs and found the noises coming from our room. I opened the door to find Jack in bed with his ex-girlfriend Katie. I felt the tears welling in my eyes and I turned to run down the stairs.

I hear Jack yelling, “No, no, no. Come back. It meant nothing. I love you.” I turned around and cut his arm with the knife.
I screamed and cried, “Why? Why would you do this to me? I did nothing but love you unconditionally, Jack. I love you will all my heart and you did this to me? I’m through Jack.”
That night, and every night ever since, I’ve done nothing but cry myself to sleep and pray he’ll come back to me. But I know that’ll never happen. He never loved me. He only ever loved her.