Heart break kid 'uncut'

HopeandPeace

I've written about this before, but I guess this is going to be the 'uncut' version.

I will bare my soul. I won't hold anything back. There is things I will say that I may not like, but I say them because they are the truth.

She's Beautiful. She's Gorgeous. She's Amazing. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me. She's just everything I have ever wanted and more.

But she's not in my life anymore. I'm not in her life anymore. She doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't want me in her life anymore. I don't know if she hates me, but that's how it feels. At times it's felt like she has been unbelievably cruel to me. I'm sure she would say the same about me. She's lied, I've lied, we've both lied. At times we've been as bad as one another.

What matters here though is I love her, but she doesn't love me anymore. I've tried to talk to her, but I don't think she wants to talk to me. I've tried to let go. I really have. I've tried to give her what she wants and the only way I can see that happening is if I don't live her anymore. I've tried not loving her. I don't want to love her anymore. But I do. My thoughts are filled with her always. My dreams are replaced by nightmares. To my knowledge she has moved on. She is with someone else now. And just knowing this. The thought of this. Just tears me apart. I know she's not mine anymore. I don't think she ever was. But it doesn't change the fact. I still love her. I hate it. I hate that I do. When I try to talk to her I think she just feels sorry for me. She's told me she still cares and nothing like this has ever hurt her so much. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm not with her anymore. It doesn't change the fact I don't fall asleep with her and wake up to her in the morning.

See the thing is - Whether it's my fault or whether it's her fault it doesn't change the fact that this has changed me forever. I loved her like I have never loved no other. I still do. I can't shake it. It's been over a year since we parted. But I still think about her and love her every waking moment of every single day. To the point where it's driving me insane. And she doesn't give a damn. She doesn't even give me a second thought. All I want is to sit down and talk. I just want to know why? It may sound crazy but I don't want her back. I think it would kill me. It's already destroyed me. I wish I could give her my pain for just one moment. Not to hurt her, but so she could finally understand how much she hurt me.

I wanted everything with this girl. I wanted to marry her. I wanted her to have my children. I still do. But it's NEVER going to happen. Maybe this is my punishment? Maybe I deserve this? Who knows? All I know is I'm never going to love anyone like this again. I'll never love anyone the way I love her. I don't want to love anyone that way. I feel like I would be cheating her. But at the same time it feels like she has taken that from me. I will never trust anyone, care for anyone, adore anyone, love anyone the way I did about her because of what happened between us. I'm not attacking her. I've nothing bad to say about her. I've said bad things about her but I only said them because of the pain and hurt I was feeling. I was trying to hurt her back. But that's no excuse. That just shows me to be weak and immature. And I'm sorry for my actions. I genuinely am.

Maybe this is my punishment? Maybe I deserve this? Maybe this is just the way things are meant to be?

All I know is I love her and she doesn't love me and there is no pain greater in the world than knowing this.

And there is nothing I can say or do to make her change her mind.

Nothing.

And I will keep waiting for her to talk to me but she won't. Not now. Not ever.

I'm so sorry for everything.

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you so much.