October 2nd

kellie

The first time I talked to you I was 13 years old, you were 11; it was December 2008. You were my cousin's girlfriend at the time, and we clicked instantly. It turned out that we had so much in common, and never stopped texting each other; it was a 24/7 conversation.

Though we never had met each other, we shared our deepest thoughts and secrets. I knew that I could trust you with anything and everything and that you would never judge me for it. You and I were best friends, instantaneously. To this day, I have yet to find anyone like you; nobody can ever be as amazing as you.

In about March of 2009, I was going through major issues in my life, but you were always there for me. I know I didn't tell you how much of an impact you had on my life during that specific time, but I ended up telling you a couple months later. During that time, I was depressed; suicidal. You had absolutely no idea that this was going on. The night when I was attempting, you texted me saying "Hi". I was half way through my plan to commit, but I stopped because you texted me. I don't know why but, I had a feeling that when I received that message. I had a feeling that I needed to be there for you; that I had to stay strong for you. This was the day that you saved my life. Yeah, this sounds really cliche to anyone reading this, but it is the truth.

2 years went by, and our relationship with each other became closer; we were on the phone almost every night, still constantly texting, and we started writing letters to one another. You and my cousin broke up, but that didn't affect us. I was a sophomore in high school and you were in 8th grade. This was the year both of us were struggling with a lot. I was there for you every step of the way, and you were there for me as well.

A lot of our phone conversations included pulling all-nighters, just to make sure that both of us were okay. I'll never forget the first time you attempted suicide. I tried to talk you out of it, I tried my best. You turned your phone off, and I called you about 50 times with tears streaming down my face. I needed to know that you were okay because without you, I know I would end up doing the same thing. After what seems like forever, you texted me. I called you immediately, and we stayed on the phone for maybe 4 hours. We didn't speak, we just cried on the phone together and listened to each other breathing.

I don't know what I would've done if I had lost you that night. You are my best friend, I can't ever think about losing you. The 2010-2011 year was filled with tears and meaningful phone calls and texts that I will never forget for as long as I live. I stopped you 7 more times that year and I know you were mad at me for it, but you are just such an amazing person that deserves a chance to prove how much you mean to the world. You are so young, so beautiful, so talented.

2 more years pass, I'm a senior and you are a sophomore. It's October 2nd, 2012 and I'm checking tumblr before I get dressed for school. I checked your blog, and on it was your suicide note. I immediately freaked out and started hyperventilating and called your friend. She called your father and made up an excuse for him to check on you. Thank god that you texted both her and I after he checked on you. You later told me that you tried to hang yourself but it didn't work.

October 2nd, 2012 was the last day that I spoke to you. You were sent to a rehab in California and then your family ended up moving there when you were in outpatient. As far as I know, you still are in outpatient and are doing fantastic. I see pictures of you on facebook once in a while; your smile shining so bright, life in your eyes, and what looks like true happiness to me. I miss you so much. I miss you so much it hurts. You are still one of my best friends, us not talking will never change that. You still mean so much to me. I tried calling you a couple months ago, and your number is no longer yours. I have no way in getting in contact with you at all. From talking to you every day for 4 years to nothing. It numbs me inside. Some days are better than others, but it hurts.

I just want to make sure that you are okay. That you're happy. You mean so much to me and I can't imagine ever losing you. I miss you so much. You kept me okay. We kept each other okay.

I want you to know that I'm doing well. I cry sometimes, but I'm sure you understand.

Just know that I love you no matter what happens. I'm always going to be here for you. Not being able to talk to you kills me inside.. I think about you every day. Maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe this happened so that we could both get better and then be in each others lives again in the future.

I miss you.

I love you.



For anyone reading this, thank you.
To protect her from anything, I'm just going to refer to her as M.

M and I lived 9 hours away from each other; M in the mid-west, and I live on the east coast.

We have never met in person.

The date is February 3rd, 2014.

It has been 1 year, 4 months, and 1 day since we have spoken.

To anyone who thinks that you can't be friends with someone you've never met, you are wrong. When you find a connection that strong with someone, that is precious. Don't ever let that slip away.

M, I love you so much.