Part two, Twist in my story

Tina Adams

It’s been over three years since Jack and I were a thing. And I still miss him everyday. Some days are easier then the rest and others I feel as though a knife is ripping through my heart. When I think of him I feel sad, sometimes even angry at him and myself, and other times I just really feel empty. I’ve begun to regret ever being intimate with him though I know it was our intimacy that brought us so close together. Why is it what once felt so right feels so wrong now?

Three years, in those three years we’ve probably talked a handful of times. A few texts here and there at first but after a while even those stopped. Now the only time I hear his name is when I’m told by AJ the girl he once and probably still loves that he wishes me a happy birthday. But the truth is I don’t want to know he wishes me a happy birthday, I can’t stand knowing he remembers but can’t tell me himself. I feel as though it hurts more knowing that he remembers but doesn’t tell me himself than if he had just forgotten. It makes me so angry.

I continually still ask myself who’s to blame for this whole situation. Was it me for being naïve and believe a man who was in love with another could fall in love with me. Or him for knowing what we were getting ourselves into but still living under the false fabrications that no strings attached could actually be attainable in our case.

I remember leaving off my first story ( A twist in my story) explaining how I had written him a note that would set me free. But the truth is I will never be free of those memories even though I try so hard to keep them hidden. To show a smile behind those tears the fall so effortlessly. I never did receive a response from that letter and though I said I never wanted one apart of me wished for one. For an explanation as to where we went wrong and why we were being punished for such childish mistakes. But instead of responding to me he went and responded to AJ. I don’t know why, but maybe he had to explain himself to her like I had to him.

When AJ had told me the news about how he had wrote her a letter, a letter twice the length of mine, I sat there aimlessly looking at the wall, asking myself why he had done so. Was I not important enough to have my questions answered or did he know that she would let me read the pages of his words? I began to resent her for a while finding reason to distance myself from her though there wasn’t much she could really do for me. I remember one night she had told me that her and Jack had gotten into a fight and that he told her that he would break her like he broke me. I didn’t understand what the ment but I was so angry. To think I was just some challenge to him. I was even madder when she told me I couldn’t say anything. How could I not be allowed to confront the asshole that said he had broken me? I remember how angry and distant I felt from her and the world. Eventually one drunk night turned to a drunk call and the call turned into screaming at jack and tears falling to the ground asking what I had done to deserve being broken. Why he thought I needed to broken. I asked him why he didn’t realize he couldn’t break something that was already broken. I couldn’t believe what I had heard; I couldn’t believe someone I loved intentionally hurt me because my best friend had unintentionally hurt him. It wasn’t her fault even though I wanted to blame her so badly. A part of me wished she had liked him back so the pain and anger would feel more legitimate. But after a while I realized seeing me hurt, hurt her too. She had seen me at my worse when it came to jack. And I knew she wished just as much as me that things would be different. After awhile I separated my feelings about AJ who was my best friend and AJ who Jack was in love with.

Eventually I got better, pulled myself a way from such a dark place and began dating other guys. I tried to be happy and at times I really was. But at night the memories possessed my mind, no matter how much I tried forgetting something always made me think of him and when there was an “us”. For a while it wasn’t as hard. We hadn’t spoken for almost two years. Hadn’t run into each other for over a year. I hear he’s joined the military, I never did get a chance to say goodbye. But he does cross my mind from time to time. When I look at the stars I wonder if he’s staring back up at them and I wonder even if just for a second whether he thinks of me and misses me just like I miss him.

I know I said I could never regret what we were but a part of me is beginning to. He was the only one who knew the entirety of my past and my family history. Lately things a home weren’t good and I really needed and wanted to talk to him. But I didn’t want to intrude on his new life, I think he deserves better than me. But I think I deserve better than him too. We were right for each other, almost like a sickness for one another and maybe he realized that before I could. I’ve realized that I loved him but I never actually saw a future with him I guess I always thought I’d figure it out. I let my feelings and lust get in-between a friendship that could have saved both of us from our demons even though we were each other’s sins.

Lately those demons have been taking over my thoughts and dreams, I’ve began thinking about suicide again, I feel the urges to cut myself but I know I can’t because people will begin to notice. I’m trying to find strength in myself I know its in there somewhere, I’m trying to hold on. I’m just not sure for how long. For now I’ll continue to look at the stars and wish for my best friend to come back. I hope he needs me just as much as I still need him.

I’m not sure if this sounds pathetic of me but I don’t really care, I know he’s hurt me but his friendship saved my life. And sometimes I’m scared that I turned him into the monster he had become once. I’m just hoping that my best friend is still inside him and that one day hopefully soon, we run into each other and just forget the past and start anew. No more games, no more lust, no more dumb mistakes, just friendship, caring and forgiving. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t want any more twists in my story.